A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020
Mon/Fri 9am-8pm       Sat/Sun 2pm-8pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Everything is too much !

Wild bluebell
Updated
Everything is slowly deteriorating, the house is falling to bits, sbtx did everything when it came to DIY. Everything is overwhelming me at the minute. Washing is mounting up, washing line is broken, and I can't hang it out. The toilet is broken. I have a junk room I can't get into as I keep shoving everything in. I am totally exhausted and tired and alone. I lost 2stone when it first happened and at least a stone is back on so I feel big and frumpy even though I am lighter than I was. I was always called lazy by him, if things weren't spotless and that's how I feel now, I can't get motivated. I am just sick of cleaning and washing and cooking and shopping and working and the bloody hard slog. The kids don't see him and so I have no time off. I ferry the kids here there and everywhere and I just don't know how I am going to keep this up. Friends definitely have had enough of rallying. I just can't pull myself together. His solicitor is not responding to mine so after the judge threw out the Nisi I am no further forward. I know everyone says things get better, I am over two years now and I am just stuck in limbo. Sorry for this, but I feel worse than I did a year ago. WB

User comments

15 comments
View all user comments
Already have an account?
Comments
Comment
Wild Bluebell

Don't despair - I too am 2 years down the line - I have just had a bad evening too - I am due at my first court Hearing on Friday and stbx and solicitor have only just exchanged their questionaire/chronology tonight and I have just seen a copy earlier - it's just all lies and more lies and I just can't believe they are allowed to lie to the court. It is tiring and gets you down.... but hope it helps you to know there are more of us feeling similar! Hopefully we can get rid soon - I have my Decree Nisi and now just trying to sort the financial side out but of course my sbtx (police) wants all the police pension for himself and wants an order to sell the MH (not much equity).

You only have to do what you feel like doing in the house - it you feel like doing nothing then relax and you will feel better tomorrow.
Take care
xx
Comment
Thank you all, I made contact with a friend who has been and fixed the washing line, I have advertised for a plumber. I did some sorting out ( little ) and I have been out for a nice meal tonight, so I feel so much brighter and more positive. I will try and carry on with the good work.

Patrick, the judge wanted specific dates of the adultry even though ex had admitted it - I just get bad luck as everyone thinks this is crazy including my solicitor. So I feel I have achieved nothing on the divorce front.
Comment
On my worst days I do the lists too, even if it is stuff like "cook dinner", "grocery shopping", "book GP". It is surprisingly satisfying ticking off even mundane trivial chores like that, I usually end up doing more those days. Or aim to just tackle one dreaded task - e.g. clean the fridge out, with a reward after like a coffee or similar.
Don't be too hard on yourself, it is so exhausting being a sole parent, working and running a household. Saying no to the kids is not a crime, sometimes I have had to deny them things like movie nights at school because I was just too darn tired to take them there and desperately wanted some quiet time at home (as quiet as it can be with 2 adolescent boys). Carpooling has been a lifesaver for me too, if you have space to share lifts it can be good for you and other parents.
Comment
Prioritize:
- washing not done? do clean underwear for tomorrow, the rest can wait
- junk room? close the door.
- kids taxis: pool with one of the other parents, one week each. If not, cut back on activities.
- now sit back and look around you to make sure you capture it all. tomorrow, it will be gone and your children will be one day older and you'll have missed and occasion to hug them.
- the washing will still be there, the diy as well, so you can tackle a bit of it. or not. it's your house, your clothes, do what you want!
Comment
I read I little story the other day called the daffodils effect, not sure if you can google it but it's basically the story of a daughter who takes her mum to a high view point where a woman had spent 45 years planting daffodils bulbs one at a time. When she first started it would have looked nothing, but gradually after all those years she has created an awe inspiring sight of thousands of beautiful flowers and she did it alone, one woman, one bulb at a time. Make a start, maybe your start will be just to make a list of all the decorating jobs you need to do, maybe it's a list of all the things you want to achieve in your life maybe it's a list of all the things that make you happy, large and small. Then make a small step and start one of those jobs and then the next day do a little more and gradually you will complete that first job and imagine the achievement you will feel. Small steps. Xx
Comment
Write a list of what you want done and what you need done. Do what needs to be done. Do you HAVE to divorce, whats the imperative? Why was the Nisi thrown out is he contesting ? If its two years it desertion surely. The sh8t jobs are still going to be sh8t whether your sick of them or not so you may as well scream or shout or kick or whatever but get it out of your system and get on with it. Good luck.
Comment
Hi Wild Bluebell,

What you have written resonates with me all too well. I too am my own worst enemy, expecting to have everything ship shape and perfect, but doing this in a house that is falling to bits, whilst having no support at all with the kids, as well as working 12- 14 hours days is absolutely exhausting. You are so right, it is.

But, as Mothers (and Fathers),we are carrying out what we do without hesitation, we do it to love and protect our offspring, we are fulfilling the role that we signed up for when we took our kids into this world, we are being unconditional in our love for them.

Yes it is damn hard, but you have to dig deep, find an inner strength you never knew you had and carry on regardless.

Who cares if the cushions on the sofa ain't plumped up or there is a wee bit of dust on the skirting boards, who? Nobody but us, for we put ourselves through so much undue pressure that it is frightening. Just remember it is only bricks and mortar and will be here after we are long gone. Give yourself a break and break it down, break it down, into manageable bite sized chunks. Tomorrow is another day!

Take care for now FoS x
Comment
Thanks everyone, I just feel exhausted with it all. I will follow your advice though and I will try the list thing, and I will make sure one thing is ticked off by the end of tomorrow. I get so resentful, as he has NO responsibility at all, he is free to come and go as he pleases and I am left with everything! The positives I know are that I see my kids every day and I live in a nice house ( well apart from it coming apart at the seams) and I should be concentrating on my life, but it is infuriating at times.

I know I am my worst enemy when it comes to the kids, as I think I am trying to overcompensate with them, which isn't doing them any favours, but when I have so much on my plate, it is sometimes easier to take them where they need to go. I will work on this.

Nige - thanks maybe everyone has a 'twin' on wiki. I know at times I honestly didn't think I would be doing all this and coping ( just ).

Xxxxxxxxx
Comment
WB
I often sit looking at my piles of washing waiting for that magic wand moment. But it never happens and I have to try and get it done myself (or cry and leave it for another day).

Before you go to bed tonight think of one job you want to do tomorrow. Not a massive task, pick something manageable. Then try your hardest to achieve that task tomorrow. We will be sending you loads of love and moral support to help you get it done.

Good luck honey. Remember one task at a time and eventually it will seem less over whelming. You can do this.
Big hug
Sophie xx
Comment
WB (((()))), I really do understand where you are coming from, but what has helped me is just getting stuck in, I am selling on ebay, clearing the garage, doing car boot sales, if you start at the bottom clear the junk raise a few pounds you can then use that to pay people to do the things you can't manage, when you get those jobs done you will feel better trust me, we can do this xxxx
DR
View all user comments