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Feeling down today

A Updated
Thought things would of got easier by now but they are still the same.Been without him now for 25 months divorced decree absolute since oct 06.I proberbly have guilt about my children , My children have been through so much last few years with their father's violent behaviour towards me.I had no choice but to leave all my friends and family behind and move 300 miles away early last yr as he was still abusive towards me after i asked him to leave . it was awful being in a womans refuge and a homeless unit.We were then given a house we had an inflatable mattress on bare floorboards the house had no heating hot water or downstairs lighting for over a week , we had no tv to begin with either.Seeing my ex in court last month stirred feelings i thought i had left behind , he was nice to me and said how he wanted us to be friends for the children's sake.I moved back to being nearer my friends and family for his and the children's sake rather then my own so contact could take place again as he had decided he did'nt want to see the children to begin with.This move was'nt so he could be my friend or for the benefit of the children it was to still control me.I feel more lonely now then , i ever have such feelings of hate towards him i'm stuck in this house it is a lovely house but he is now 7 miles away and i feel i'm going to be lynched if i go to the town centre.I feel trapped in the system being on benefits i can't see a future it's hard with children especially when 1 is disabled , he won't pay child support has dodge the CSA for such a long time, we are back in court in Nov about finances, i have read the children of the marriage are the priority i really feel in my children's case this is'nt so.He has a new g/f who has 3 children he makes sure her 3 don't go without but when it comes to our 2 he really does'nt care.I feel i have failed my kids i'm trying to be strong but i can't take the whole world on thats how i'm feeling today.

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It's time you put yourself first.It's obvious that you love your children and will always do the best for them.However,you're no good to them when you are so unhappy and fear going out or having a 'normal' post divorce life.Can the friends and family you moved back to be close to help you a bit with practical and emotional support? If not, there are organisations that will help you.I don't have a great knowledge of them first hand but you've come to the right place because the wealth of knowledge and experience on this site is vast and someone will advise you.
I hope things get better for you soon. Believe in yourself and don't be scared to admit your fears.
God Bless
H
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OK, firstly, YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR KIDS.

To have been through all you have and to have protected them in the way you have takes courage and strength.

Sorry, but I do not have time to write now but I suspect that you have done the best you could in a very difficult situation.

You are not the bad person, he is. Keep reminding yourself of that and have faith in yourself and you children. Take strength from that if you can.

Will write later when I can.
A