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Feeling foolish

E Updated
Just read Stemginger's post about feeling foolish for having tried for years to save her marriage. I know how she feels. So many people - everyone in fact - advised me that there was probably another involved when my husband left. I know perfectly well of course that it's usually the case. But I was convinced he was not seeing someone else. And maybe at first he wasn't. But that's one thing I feel foolish about. More than that though is that I believed all the lies about everything and trusted him. When he told me that the cost of his leaving was 'marginal', that the company was paying for all his meals transport and accommodation, I knew of course that it was unlikely but he had after all just secured a huge investment (apparently) and business was booming. And there was no money coming out of any of our accounts that I could see. So it's a bit galling that within days of his walking out and telling us that he wouldn't be seeing his children over Xmas but would be extending a business trip to Malaysia staying in a company owned property for free, he was ACTUALLY cashing in a £150k investment, emptying all our savings and chartering flights to a honeymoon resort in the Maldives at a cost of £25k. That Xmas we all sat home and wept and hoped he would come back. And FELT SORRY FOR HIM. So now I look at his credit card and bank statements and realise that he has been having the time of his life. Please bear in mind that at that time he had not actually been paid a penny for some months. He's been shopping in Louis Vuitton and spending £1200 a month in the gym. Seriously he's been staying in a £400 a night hotel in London and not even bothering to check out when he spent a week in the 4 seasons hotel in NY. Now he is asking me and the kids to pay half of all that. In return he is prepared to pay £0 spousal maintenance (previously he had said he would pay joint lives maintenance as well he should since he is a banker and I am a stay at home mum). And £0 child maintenance. He stood up in court (uninvited) and told the judge that the reason all of his businesses were going into liquidation just as he was getting divorced (!) was that his wife was forcing him to spend all of his time answering questions about his finances. NB he still has not answered the questions (deadline 6 November last year). And nb also as even the judge pointed out, his businesses had been failing since 2009. So his offer to me at the close of business the night before the fdr was 45% to me and the children (and no maintenance) and 55% to him. I had offered 70/30 for a clean break. He provided property details for a flat valued at about 8% of the FMH. His barrister wanted to know why the wife should get more than 50%. I would have thought it abundantly clear why. I represent 4/5 of the family and do all the parenting (time emotions and money). I have been out of the workforce for 20 years. The judge pointed out that this is a needs case. There isn't the money for a clean break. But there is also no hope that any of us will ever see a penny from him in the future. Even when he was earning, his tax return showed nothing at all.

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Eliza,a great step forwards for you in the realisation that your ex was a bad person.That you are Happy.Happy he has gone,woohoo you.
Now you stay on this path,do not veer left or right for a while. Do not look down keep your head up and keep looking forwards One step at a time you can do it.
I have to agree with Stumpy and we have to avoid stereotyping into 'men' are this and 'women' are that.

Of course there are some very selfish and greedy men out there just as there are women, which is just as devistating for the men involved.

If as Juliette says, women's control tends to be more emotional, then this also can be just as devistating on men, and vise versa.

Eliza, keep moving forward... You are doing well :)
Eliza, I am sorry you did not settle at the FDR and have to go to a Final Hearing. When I read your blog a second time, I get the impression that your ex (yes Stbx is too close) has had some kind of weird breakdown for he seems to have morphed into someone unrecognisable. After my FDA, my barrister expressed a strong desire to challenge my ex for she felt that he didn't want to give me anything. I said desperately, 'Tell me that it's not always like this at the end' as I didn't want my view of the world to be completely shattered. She remarked darkly that she only became involved where it had become like this and I suppose that is true. Well done for going Eliza - it must have been so hard confronting the reality of who he has become. I think these court cases definitely help us let go.
Stumpylad, it's mainly men because men are usually the earners, and exert control with money. As a woman, my control is usually more emotional, and i had the luxury of taking the moral higher ground more than once in the role of the dutiful wife.
Eliza, i am amazed how far you have come in the last few weeks, i can feel a bite in your posts, and i like it!
FoS now now, lets remember its not just men. People is more accurate. Though in all honesty I think there are some very selfish men out there who give the rest a really bad name.

The way I look at it is this.

Some people are either a friend for life or a lesson in life.

Sadly we seem to have got the latter.
Hi eliza,

I often wonder if these men would be 'let off' as lightly if they were tried in a criminal court and not a divorce court, for their selfishness, greed and downright lies in treating their families this way is quite shocking and they should be accountable!

We were fooled and as I say to myself and you will too, "I am a fool who loved you!"

Where is the justice in this world😡

Take care for now FoS x
[quote] If my husband could treat me this badly, I must be a terrible person, a bad wife, a bitch.[/quote]

This is what I struggle with all the time - I just can't get passed it. There must be something wrong with me......I am not worthy - don't try you will just be shot down - (I know I bring some of that from my up bringing too) but that lack of self worth - I still have not got over that one.
Whew Eliza, that took some writing and it sums up so succinctly what you've been bravely battling over the past few months and particularly in court this week. ((((()))))

It would be easy to dismiss him as a delusional fool, but he's far too calculating and deliberately dishonest for that label. He is in fact wicked to treat his own children and their mother(whatever the relationship had become) as though they no longer exist; no longer need care, food and protection and his love. Thank goodness they have you as their mother!

I have a PhD student studying the psychology of economics and he would be able to explain what has been going on in his head regarding the money, investments etc. They are like gamblers who won't admit to their losses and are addicted to continuing to gamble. Except he must have had some real cash stashed somewhere surely?

The treatment of his children and total disregard for their welfare and well-being I imagine can only be explained in your own words as 'because he is a bad person'. Put the two together and you have the man who stood before you in court.

This has been a very harsh lesson for you and you've been incredibly brave to get the children through the past year and to attend court the other day. ( With pebbles in your pocket and wikis by your side. ;))

That takes almost superhuman strength, but you did it. He may get his biggest shock yet when he realises what a formidable woman you have become now the blinkers are off. ((((()))))

Eliza I feel as though a little veil has lifted from you

You are finally seeing that he is in the wrong not you he is the bad person not you

Yes you are right to go on about money because this is what he has brought it down to its all he really understands he doesn't care about you or the kids feelings why should he you can't buy things with feelings little does he know that sometimes those precious moments with our kids are priceless and you can't ever get them back

But you have also seen that now you can be happy, happy without him so take that feeling and hold on to it and believe in yourself the judge saw through him he isn't going to win this one

It sounds like the judge has little sympathy for his tale of woe and has no doubt heard many of the same sob-stories from "broke" men staying in expensive hotels and holidaying in the Maldives. And if they get the gross unfairness of his past and present behaviour it should be better for you. I'm surprised he isn't pleading that he became temporarily manic under stress which led to the spending spree. THough maybe he still is, asking you to pay half!
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