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Golf in the Sunshine

R Updated
Spending the weekend with my daughter at Uni. Its necessary for us to touch base and reconnect every once and a while. Beautiful sunshine and the chance to play a round of golf together. At almost 19 she can give me a real game! A wonderful way to share time together and for me to see first hand how she is doing. And she is doing very well. Later picking her up for dinner she just began to talk about her Mum and the times that have past. This too was a great result. We have this to share. Over four years after my divorce I still learn about things that have gone on. Its not so much that I want to know because I just want to know anymore. Instead it gives me more clarity on my daughter's path through it all and how she managed to cope. Not surprisingly there are issues she still has and particularly with the man she had no choice but to live with for a while. It seems you see he has many problems of his own, has been disrespectful to my ex and at times things have unfortunately got very ugly indeed on the other side. But away now at University, as so many of us do, she is able to process so much more and I can see that this is only accelerating her ability to find her own way. Tremendous. There is a confidence and charm and a wit that is always there trying out new jokes. Fantastic. Well done & such fun. Yet the residue of tough times is always inside and can also still move her to tears. She of course still likes to talk as much as I do when the subject comes up because she also learns something new from me. There are questions about why it was the way it was, what happened when this happened, what did you do or think when that happened. And then suddenly, as if we should still be surprised by it, the truth shines though. In our case, the truth about a persons deep unhappiness and personal struggles and how this pain is deflected onto others to try to somehow make it better. My daughter cannot understand what her Mum is doing with this man. There is at times a lot of alcohol abuse in my ex's house and personal rows and shouting and breakups and getting back togethers. But my daughter is out of it now at least for a time. We know that my ex suffered a breakdown of sorts. At the same time she was dealing with the "loss" of no more children, of trying to achieve whatever it was she felt she had not achieved at work or in some professional sense. There was the bereavement of loosing a parent, a personal friend. A close friend lost a child in tragic circumstances. There was early menopause. I'm mean too early, way too early & struggling with that for years. And so it went on. And now, well according to my daughter, its she and I that have moved on and its Mum that is now dwelling on the past for much of the time. Mum now knows that she tried to "manufacture" a family situation she never had in her own mind. My daughter recalled many times when at weekends she was dragged through "site seeing" tours of London with "his" children who also found it awkward. My girl of course wanted to see some of her school friends during these times but could not. Mum now knows that she cut herself off from friends, family and husband at the time. My daughter still feels its hard to deal with the breakup of her extended not just her immediate family. Mum pulled the ejector seat. She did it very fast. My girl recalled the time when with out warning she was told of Mum's new partner and how hard it was to then deal with the fact that he was suddenly under her roof. Her brand new roof! Kids you see remember this stuff. What we are doing shapes them. Yes this can and is +ve because it is their own path but it messes with the physical and emotional connections at a very deep level. Mum now knows that her new relationship was and is symptom of all her own personal struggles. Mum now knows that we should learn to be more trusting in life; that to swim against the current of life is in the end exhausting and cannot lead to happiness. So what does? Well, I think my girl is showing us all the way. Its about letting go. It about taking time to really know that whatever it is that is bothering us does in the end not matter one bit. Its created from loving and caring relationships not smothering relationships. We are all independent people but we need each other. It about focusing on the truths that we have, about caring for ourselves first and that leads to an inner happiness that rubs off on others. Enjoy the sunshine and if you think golf is boring, thats because you have not tried it I suspect. After a round with our nearest and dearest we completely know where they are at. We have taken the time to take their pulse and they completely love us for just that. There is chit chat, banter and time for questions and answers. There is no fast food involved! Its just the two of you together, in the warm glow of the sunshine. Priceless.

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Great post!
N
Comment
I must have read this blog well over ten times now. It's touched something deep in me mate. Maybe it's dads and their daughters? I don't know. What I do know is I hope that one day I can have the sort of relationship with my 2 little girls that you have with yours. Thank you.
H
Comment
You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter, I hope to be able to talk with my boys as openly as that when they are older. As for golf - not sure I have the patience but I love catching up with others while being active outdoors and that seems to be what you care about too.
V
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As we've come to expect from you, a beautifully written blog with just the right blend of emotion and sound common sense. You are justifiably proud of your girl and with Rock Steady as her Dad, she's going to be fine. That's not to diminish all she's been through, as it does seem to have been particularly stressful for her at times.

As for the golf...I always feel it's such a small ball to hit over such a long distance, to get it into such a small hole...but glad you had fun together and may you enjoy many more happy occasions. :)
M
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I'm glad you've had a nice time with your daughter. I'm sure you will have encouraged your daughter to discuss her feelings with her mother about her behaviour.
S
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Hi, long name :) Chin Up. As long as you know your boys are safe there is nothing immediate to worry about. Use the time away from them for YOU if you can. Easier said than done. Even when they are not with you you are connected to them. No one can break that. Do whatever it is you want to make yourself feel better at this time. And when they return, give them the space and a peaceful place to return to. No worries. I'm not sorry I made you cry;-) because in our circumstance it's a release and feels good afterwards.
R
Comment
Hi Rocksteady

Reading your post made me cry, especially the last paragraph. I am feeling fragile this morning as my boys spent the night at their dad's with OW and her child. I really hope my sons have this conversation with me when they older and I hope they feel able to. I want to know their perspective on what's happened to our family, only time will tell.

It sounds like you spent a lovely time with your daughter and it's great your daughter feels able to open up to you. Clearly you've done something right in your life :)
H