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How do I do that....

E Updated
"Let it go" A phrase I have heard umpteen times over the last year or so. But I cant. Bitterness is consuming me and its both stressful and unhealthy. I still need to take deep breaths to feel the tight chest relieve itself a little. I still have fitful nights of broken sleep running events over in my head. I still miss my family life terribly. I hate that people believe her lies (maybe I just think they do) and that I worry what they think and how they see me. I immerse myself in cosy evenings with my new GF or 2 years. I escape for quality time with my daughter now and then. I escape to the pub with some good friends once a week. but I get home and my head spins again! It's 4 years now since the lies and scheming started. A year since the process was completed divorce wise. There is one issue to resolve and that is a big financial issue where our families are entwined a bit. Maybe when that is resolved? We live not far apart and last fri after arriving at the village pub and joining friends I see her and the new man in the other bar... instantly my heart sinks and hackles are up. So much for a chilled evening. But they don't talk to me, bother me or anything... its just being that close! Next thing a tap on the shoulder and its her brother and wife who I haven't seen for 4 years... he who was full of threats and helped her weasel finances away before the separation. he thrust out his hand and before I realise what's happening mine is accepting the hand shake and a cordial conversation ensues. Pic's of their kids shown etc. Why did I do that.... In my head I was thinking "you think I am a liar... you think I was a b'std to your sister. She has admitted she was wrong... so apologise now!"... but instead "how are the kids.. how is your dad"!! FFS!! I hate him as he was my best mate as teenagers and in our twenties! Then rather than help us resolve things and at least try and work things out he went on the offensive. Why did I shake his hand! I don't doubt he believed his Sis 100% and that's why he did and said what he did but now... maybe like the Fonz he cant say sorry and the handshake was it? Who knows but I don't want to be in his company anymore. Now those events are in my head all the time! Why!! Grrr. Bitterness is chewing me up. My life is full of turmoil at present and I have far more important issues that I should devote my time to. So time to "let it all go".... but how do I do that! It's so frustrating to feel this way. I have a new GF who is truly lovely. I have a wonderful daughter who I now know believes me when I say that I didn't leave her and run away as she was lead to believe. I have a nice home and a good job (though I hate commuting!). But I cant shake the bitterness. "Better not Bitter" my counsellor said. Easier said than done!

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Esox,letting go is a tough nut to crack,and yes I think we have to make mistakes before we can finally let it go,to finally be free of those horrible feelings and emotions,but with work it can be done,and this will endeavour you to find your own peace.

None of us have reached our age without feeling pain and hurt,albeit divorce is a totally different pain,the trick is to master it,okay it's hard I know.

Couple of my pointers that worked for me,but it took work I can honestly tell you...
First thing I had to stop feeling the victim,it was constantly easier to blame him for everything that went wrong,for still blaming him lol,yes it was his fault he had the affair,but there was obviously something wrong between us,and maybe I buried my head on that one.Yes I am a statistic but No I am not a victim,victims have far worse to deal with in life.
I could have carried on with the "Woe is me" as many do,but you know me."Woe is NOT me",yes my marriage broke up,but my life is not over,I could and would not allow his actions determine how I was going to feel for the rest of my life.When I ruminated why it all went wrong,and blamed him,I omitted my blame,but I was to blame also,so after it happened,is he responsible for my sadness or happiness.?No he is not,just like your Ex is not,only you are responsible for your actions,your happiness,but reliving it all and hanging onto the anger,we allow them that control of our destiny.

Esox you have a good life now,so even though you revisit the past(as we all do)we don't have to unpack and stay there,we have to just visit,because this is our life now,so is it going to be a Happy one or a sad morose one?you decide....

Biggest obstacle of all for me was forgiveness,
I struggled with this more than anything else in my life,but the logic in me knew that I would never find peace until I forgave him,and also myself to a certain degree.
Yes he hurt me,his actions hurt me,but in his stupidity he hurt himself more,and because I want to remember the man I married and not the man he became,I could forgive him,(okay some days I struggle)but if I never forgave him I would never find peace.
None of us will ever know the reasons why,so there is no good pondering over it all,so maybe it's time to leave it there,to enable you the chance of a more enriched life now,but with lessons learned,things we would not possibly do or say again....

Esox I will not lie,this is hard,but I cannot,will not let his actions define who I am,and holding onto anger will define me as an angry person,which I am not.Every day I held that anger I denied myself happiness and peace,so the work had to be done.

You have people in your life who deserve to have the man who is free of anger,you deserve to be free of it,the anger does you no favours and serves no purpose,so make a concentrated effort and kick it's arse,it's no longer wanted and definatly not needed.

Take care,and get it done
Afon Xx
How is the question Afon. I just can't get it right!
Tough one to crack tbh.

Always appreciate you wise and kind words though 😉.

Concerted efforts now x
Esox,maybe when those financials are sorted you may feel differently.
Shaking her brothers hand?
Maybe because your the better person....

Your entitled to feel bitter,but only you are holding yourself back,your Ex is not bothered.Actually some of your life is really good...Your blessed with those 2 beautiful ladies who share your life,and new adventure s are waiting for you all.

Yes you have another massive happening in your life,that puts all of this into perspective,so yes try and Let it go....

Anger rips you up inside,and that's not what your friends and family want for you...

Massive cwtchs
Sand Xx