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I care too much

A Updated

No luck on the sleep front over the weekend. To be honest, my minds a bit blurred at the moment so some of this may be a bit jumbled.

Friday night X2B was out with her boyfriend (J). I went to bed as per usual but couldn't sleep. Must have nodded off and then woke at 3:00 with her not home. This is unusual as she normally comes in before 2 when the bars shut. So, as I worry about her, I agonised over texting her for half an hour then did so. She replied that she was having a fight with him and would be back soon. Couldn't get back to sleep after she came back so had about 3 hours sleep in total that night.

Saturday during the day was a really enjoyable (not quite the right word but you know what I mean) time. Our daughter was at a friends house during the day and X2B and I did "normal" things, shopping and stuff. We also talked about finances and although we haven't finalised the actual sums we have agreed on the formula to do so. After the small person had gone to bed we talked a bit more and agreed that we had both enjoyed the day. It was like old times but as friends not husband and wife. I am happy about that.

Saturday night X2B was out with a girl friend. Same thing again, went to bed but couldn't get to sleep. Again, eventually dozed off and woke at about 4:00 and her still not home. Texted her again and again she said she was having another fight with J. Eventually she came home at 5:30 in floods of tears and asked for a hug. She got one. We talked until about 6:30 and she is a real mess with the situation at the moment. She'd told J where she and girl friend were going to be. He'd turned up, got jealous of X2B dancing with another bloke and it exploded from there. Not only does she feel guilty over our split but also has all sorts of issues with her boyfriend. And then there is her bipolar.

She said that she thought the relationship with J was over because it had been a really bad fight. I had mixed emotions about that. I know how much having someone there for her means to her at the moment so I was sad. But I don't think he is the right person for her so I was happy. Overall though, to see her soooo upset was not good and I wanted to make it better for her. Not sure I managed but I think I helped.

Sunday she went shopping in Gibraltar but before she left she went to see J. It's not over, he went with her to Gibraltar and it's back to how it was again. I hope that she approaches the relationship with more demands as it appears that she had been doing whatever he wanted. I've reminded her that she's leaving me because she didn't get what she wanted / needed from our relationship so she mustn't settle for anything less with J. I think this is wishful thinking on my part because I think J is her transition boyfriend. She's months ahead of me with the splitting up process and I think she is using J to cleanse her of our relationship. She doesn't realise that, but that's what I think.

I think I think too much.......

Last night, Sunday, she says she wants to go out for a drive. She left at 9 and was not back by 10:30 when I flaked out. So went to bed but couldn't help texting her a supportive message, knowing what she is going through. Slept badly until 1 when she came back in. We talked for a bit but then she fell asleep. I couldn't.

I feel for her. I mean, all I have to deal with is the fact that I'm being left. She's got our situation, her situation with her bloke AND her bipolar. It can't be easy.

All this is stopping me getting sleep and that's not good. I don't want to take pills nor alcohol for sleep, I just don't believe in that approach. But I need to detach myself from this as I am caring too much. I still want to help her and I am glad that we talked on Saturday night / Sunday morning and I want that to continue if it helps her. I still want us to talk when she has problems but I have just got to find a way of dealing with it.

On the plus (!!) side, I rode my bike for 2 hours on Saturday and for 1 1/2 hours on Sunday which will be good for the weight loss (I've lost just over 10 lbs in 2 weeks so far). I'm bloody knackered now though both physically (due to over exercising and lack of sleep) and mentally because of the situation.

If you've read this rambling garbage all the way through you may have noticed a theme through it. That is, I care more about her than I do about me at the moment. This is what I do. I care. I care about other people. It's what I am. It's me.

That sounds very noble I'm sure but f*** it, I should be more interested in what I need to do to survive.

But I can't be. It's not how I work.

So, stupidly loud music is helping, distracts my mind away from things if I can't hear myself think. I think my nose will start bleeding if James Brown screams one more time.....




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