I know how it looks
Thanks everyone. I know how it looks. And I know I've been wrong about many things. But I do fear he is just hopeless and deranged. If he is scheming I think his schemes have been unsuccessful. It's a shame that his disregard for us and his inability to organise the proverbial in a brewery have combined with his feeling the need to live it up to a cartoonish extent have combined to make the perfect storm for me and the children just at the time when we are least able to cope. I fear I am really not able to cope. Even if we were to win the lottery now (and I'd have to buy a ticket) the damage (physical and emotional) is incalculable, as so many of us have found. Maybe I can build on this, learn and recover, even emerge in some ways stronger. Maybe one day I will be able to sleep and maybe my hair will grow back. Maybe after 20 years out of the workforce, and with crippling depression i will nonetheless find work and support myself and the children (someone has to). But the children! People say kids are resilient. No doubt. But I don't think they will ever recover from this. The pain of what their father has done to them, me and himself. The rejection by a much loved dad. The loss of material things they can cope with, no problem. But the extent of his betrayal and abandonment will have scarred them for a long time to come. Such a shame, and so unnecessary. As their mother it absolutely breaks my heart.