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I know how it looks

Thanks everyone. I know how it looks. And I know I've been wrong about many things. But I do fear he is just hopeless and deranged. If he is scheming I think his schemes have been unsuccessful. It's a shame that his disregard for us and his inability to organise the proverbial in a brewery have combined with his feeling the need to live it up to a cartoonish extent have combined to make the perfect storm for me and the children just at the time when we are least able to cope. I fear I am really not able to cope. Even if we were to win the lottery now (and I'd have to buy a ticket) the damage (physical and emotional) is incalculable, as so many of us have found. Maybe I can build on this, learn and recover, even emerge in some ways stronger. Maybe one day I will be able to sleep and maybe my hair will grow back. Maybe after 20 years out of the workforce, and with crippling depression i will nonetheless find work and support myself and the children (someone has to). But the children! People say kids are resilient. No doubt. But I don't think they will ever recover from this. The pain of what their father has done to them, me and himself. The rejection by a much loved dad. The loss of material things they can cope with, no problem. But the extent of his betrayal and abandonment will have scarred them for a long time to come. Such a shame, and so unnecessary. As their mother it absolutely breaks my heart.

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Hi eliza,

Like many of us, you are trying to spin too many plates in the air at one time and it is hard. But, I think our own Royal ness (HRH), makes a fair point, you need to try, regardless of emotion, as emotion clouds our judgement, to prioritise as best you can. Food, shelter, clothing and warmth are where you have to direct your energies. Your STBX really has lost the plot, take him out of the equation now, he no longer exists!

Like any Mother Bear you will protect your Cubs and you will fight tooth and nail to do it, you will and yes you will survive, you absolutely have to survive. Once you have mastered the art of survival, basic survival, you will see this as an opportunity to readdress your life and put yourself into action, you will use this awful experience to catapult yourself into a much truer life, one where you will never be dependant on another living soul again (financially and emotionally).

Our own lovely Oprah (Nigella 19), standing ovation by the way Nige, that your X is a weasel, he will worm his way out, somehow and you will never know how, of every tricky situation he finds himself in, until such time as he crosses the path of a far more powerful potential enemy, goodness knows where he will find himself then. It will all eventually come back to haunt him! eliza, you have to be long gone by then.

Try and unravel the mysteries of his financial survival and Arthur Daily schemes as best you can, if it will guarantee an income for you, but if his mess continues to drag you down then you will be fighting a losing battle. Do what you can to escape him, walk away without a backward glance and protect what you can just to survive. You need to move on as quickly, efficiently and without emotion as soon as you can. You have to live and put him and his secrets and lies to rest with him. One day he will be tried for his appalling treatment of his family, one day he will meet his own destiny.

Good luck and you have our virtual support.

Take care for now FoS x
Whilst treading water this wiley fox has been investing in self. Whilst you have been losing your hair and your marbles (well you did say you were ga ga), he has been losing the weight of the fat cat, buying clothes befitting the successful man, acting the successful man, reinventing. He knows his stuff - he needs to stay sharp. look sharp, look professional - look in control, whilst paddling like mad under the surface. If he doesn't believe in himself and his 'economic downturn but on the upturn' story, no future investor will either. Because once this gets sorted and the heat's off, I suspect he will be off and running and creating wealth again. And till then, the more time he can spend away on holidays and uncontactable, taking 'a well deserved break' the fewer answers people can get out of him and the more time he can buy. Stay away, one of the best ploys used. It's another version of the no contact rule. And we know how effective that is. When the time's right, he won't miss a heartbeat when he steps back smiling into his version of the financial world. There are always new players and memories are short. Yes, you are only as good as your last deal. But if you've got the front and can get one good deal quickly, he knows how it works from there on in.They have a different view of the world to us, operate under a different code of practice, that's why we are all spending hours on wiki propping each other up and watching Dr Phil (Dr. Phil Life Code: How to Become Victim-Wise - take a squizz Liz).No foetal position for these dudes and dudesses. They are clever, strong, resilient and their behaviour often despicable - but the last is arguable, money makes the world go round and all that. What's not arguable is that they are often the perfect vessel through which the powers of darkness channel themselves into the world. But that's a whole different conversation.Now Eliza, of I've made all this up from stuff I have seen and heard. It's fiction and as such It won't fit exactly your experience. But I suspect there will be more than a little you can relate to - and, the world being what it is you may get some comfort in that with the improvement in the economy and financial services outlook generally, ex will be positioning himself to return with a vengeance aimed at recreating his lost wealth as quickly as possible. The position of you and the kids likely will improve alongside his, given he will be able to pay maintenance. But don't heave a sigh of relief yet, it's all pure speculation - the usual blue sky predictions.

You had a part in all this, the 'pay off' for you in turning a blind eye to his dodginess was good living, the good times and to get the payoff, you lost yourself in his values. You know that, you've said it before. And the 'pay back' is the situation you have now - it was long in the making. You don't want that to happen again.

Your job Lizzydoolittle is to continue to doo more. You uncurled from the foetal position a while back. You have been gifted with a good brain. Grow your new life, reinvent yourself, work hard, walk out of your history - as Dr Phil urges us to do (chuckle). Start living in the truth and the light.

Lord, that all sounds too good dont it. Yeah well I'm talking it all up aren't I, it aint that easy groovers. But so worth it. And I'm not even there yet. Best wishes always, Nige.
I've seen lots of these types - who you aptly describe as very clever and they are - but also cunning in the extreme - they rise from the ashes, get back into business and rebuild their fortunes whilst the casualties who lost their money to them often don't ever recover. That's unpleasant, but again it's the truth and society shouts from the tabloids that it's not fair, he is living it large again and my little retirement nest egg got squandered leaving me in poverty. Two sad pensioners and one fat cat with cigar in mouth and no comment to make, purportedly living in an x million pound house are usually pictured. Ahhh we say, shame, then forget about it.

Keep your eye on this dude because if I know his type he aint on no wikivorce forum counselling the needy, no monetary value in that. He will be glued to his phone wheeling and a dealing and working on his resurrection right now as we speak - and when he gets that income again he can pay maintenance for the kids and you at least. He must be talented and creative financially, he kept the money rolling in under these house of cards schemes for many years - probably the global financial crisis combined with the increased regulator pressure that toppled him - otherwise he might still be going. The economy will pick up, and so will he and others of his ilk. I don't know how you may feel about that. It doesn't help you in your current circumstance but I suspect ex will want to get this sorted, keep as much as possible, cut his losses and start rebuilding wealth asap in a rising economy. As you have found out, it is often difficult to track down where they have got the money tucked, because entity after entity is fronted, all very young with no real financial assets or accounting records. The complicated loan structures provide a thick smoke screen. And he has also lit a good fire under your bum, one that started with a note on the mat and has created more useful smoke. 3 kids and no money to spend on accountants and solicitors renders you occupied, harmless and hairless (I know you still have your humour or I wouldn't say it). And, sends a message to the world of 'look everyone, I can't even provide for my own kids - I hear you, you want your money back but look (hands in air) I'm in the same boat, I've lost my family under the strain for goodness sake. If I had the money, I'd give it to you, it's not my fault, no-one saw it coming the whole world's in economic crisis'. It wouldn't make any sense for him to be there working with you against himself, clearing his own smoke and outting himself in the process. And then where would you all be, left paying back money to creditors and others who invested in him no doubt. He knows you would not understand this train of thought so best to keep you out of it.
So shoot me down with a pea gun, I admit it, I watch this day time tv stuff. I'm gonna write a long Nigellissima (LOL), do bear with me. And, as they say on TOWIE, the people in this may be real but what they get up to has been written by me purely for your entertainment.

Look at this one on utube Eliza. I think ole Phil makes some good points. Although the lady on the show is undoubtedly suffering over her husband lying about having a job when he didn't, she ought to get on wiki and read some of our stories. I think she might start to feel a little better and dry her eyes.

I wish I could offer you something other than sympathy and a Dr Phil episode. But it's better than posting nothing just because I am out of ideas. As Phil says, sometimes you have to face the truth and from reading your first posting to what you post today we have all witnessed your coping mechanisms develop on a steep learning curve. From head in the sand denial to where you stand facing the truth today. When you look back on this, you can be satisfied that during this most testing time of your life you conducted yourself well. That's the measure of the woman you are.

Now, turning attention to ex, given any maintenance for you and the kids is currently linked to his financial fortunes or lack thereof.

Doubtless ex will have his licences revoked and will be banned from managing companies for a while. But you must know as well as I do that won't stop him, he will structure new entities in his clever way that enables him to continue to take money, there are always others willing to act as front men for a price. He seems as ruthless and untrustworthy with handling the money of others as he is that of his own family. Not exactly welded to his fiduciary duty is he. But I think he will see this episode very differently to you - most likely an inconvenient but temporary cash flow problem brought about by economic conditions outside of his control. Either that or he will check out.
It will look something like, so, ok granted you and the kids are doing it tough for now but that's outside of his control and he can't be distracted by it if he is going to survive financially and rebuild for all your sakes. Emotions don't come into it. He has told you to live for the time being on your little sum you had put aside and you have. He thinks he will make it up to the kids when things improve. He is looking at this longer term when fortunes turn around.

So what's happening with the house sale. Is it on the market? Best to sell it yourself rather than have it repossessed and sold by the bank. And how or who has paid the kids private school fees?
Has the school kicked them out yet? what has the school said about them being in arrears?
That's two practical things you can concentrate on now and try and start handling two major factors that affect you and the kids.
There's really a time when you have to think feck this I have to do something about this so I know where me and the kids stand.
He does sound like a right devious xxxt. He obviously has a knack at generating money even if it is at other peoples expense.I know the type in business right dodgy feckers who'd sell their grandmother for a fiver and don't pay their bills.
You've benefitted from his dodgy dealings for twenty years but if you're out. You can bet he's an expert at fecking people over financially.So you're in for the same treatment that everyone else in business would have had. They have no shame and just don't pay. I'm always amazed that the bigger a xxxt a bloke is and untrustworthy the more money they make and how they somehow fecking attract the sales through the door.
You need to sell the house and pull the kids out the private school if things are as dire as you say.
All the best

Just hugs from me Eliza, you and your kids deserve so much better. ((( )))) V x
From what I can see all of his businesses are going bust having propped each other up with a lovely merry - go - round of money for years, duping investors and what not. Not a ponzi scheme, but maybe a similar house of cards.

He has reached the limit of his credit with cards, loans etc from official channels, has spent all our savings (and equity) and has over the years while appearing to be successful and fooling everyone possibly including himself borrowed vast sums from various colleagues and investors, also from suppliers. He will have told them as he told me for years that this that or the other mandate is about to close. Now he is borrowing from family members as far as I can tell. And lots and lots of people are wanting their money back.

He is not communicating with me, and in any case I don't believe a word he says. I have a lawyer who is financially savvy and pretty thorough. We also appointed a forensic accountant - at his insistence - but since he has refused to give her any information verified by a third party (businesses all too young to have filed accounts) we are not setting any store by anything. (Another waste of a good few thousand.)

His being an abject failure was what I feared over the years, but I was so in awe of his planet sized brain and my own stupidity that I was persuaded again and again. And now look. The sad thing is that he is really very clever, but he doesn't look too clever now. I feel sorry for the children, who thought the world of him.
Just these Eliza((()))sxxx
That's precisely my point actually. The money he has access to is extremely unlikely to be generated through credit of any kind since he has allegedly no income.
Whilst I agree with what you are saying Shoes if the house is close to repossession his credit rating will be shot to bits anyway?
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