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Meeting my ex in my back garden

S Updated
The need to blog is upon me again. Two weeks ago I was woken up in the middle of the night by the dog barking in the garden with my ex. I could not believe I could hear his voice - I thought I was dreaming. Bear in mind that he left London two years ago and has been living with an old friend of mine ever since. Our only physical contact has been restricted to the court room otherwise we have communicated through solicitors. In February the Judgement came through and now like Angie P and Declan, I have got the house on the market. I have to say dear wikis that I am going to disappoint you now. Even though he was drunk and disorderly and it was 3am, I was pathetically pleased to hear his voice. I rushed downstairs and we hugged in the back garden. I invited him in, mad fool, and we spoke for a couple of hours. It was like being allowed the forbidden fruit. It turned out he had gone to a party, got drunk, and come over to mine because he had nowhere to go. The next day he was still in the house when I got back from work and we talked for another 3 hours. It was very emotional. I did have the opportunity to be amazed by his thinking. He had indeed rewritten our marriage into an almost unrecognisable form. The new woman is much better at understanding him apparently than I was. I asked him if he had not considered how I might feel if he just turned up to which he replied he had nowhere else to go. He also said (a bullshit classic I think) that he had had to go off with my friend because he had had no other choice. I suggested that rehab may have been more helpful or that another relationship was not always the solution but this fell on deaf ears. I realised though that we do share a lot of history and he is a charismatic man. He bends the truth to suit whoever he is speaking to and I could see this clearly after time apart. Hence his telling me repeatedly that he still cared about me (because I was in front of him) whilst being persecutory in the divorce process. I realise too that his visit meant rather more to me than it did to him. I think he really did need a bed, he really didn't have anywhere else to go (he is tight with money so no hotel) and in his madness he thought he could turn up. This brought back all the madness of our relationship; how his drinking drove me more mad than him and how there was always a third party in our relationship (booze/ computer). As he breezed out the door to travel back to his common in law wife, he left behind a veritable maelstrom of feelings in me ( as always) but you will be pleased to know dear wikis that the disturbance soon passed so maybe I really am getting over him.

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Gosh Stemginger what an experience you've had. I can understand why you gave him a bed for the night. He caught you unawares and it was probably the easiest option to let him stay. I think it's quite normal to have some left over feelings for the ex, I know I do. But there's no way I would ever want to live with him again and I'm now so glad I don't have to. You certainly got the opportunity to see he hasn't changed and he's not as happy as he expected to be. I think you'll put all of this into perspective and see that it's a sign that you've moved on to the extent that you can have a conversation with him without wanting him and his problems back in your life.

Emerald x
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Stem, this all sounds pretty traumatic. It must have been very weird to have encountered him in the garden suddenly after all this time, weird to talk to him, weird to have him in the house. I expect your mind will be churning with all of it.

Perhaps it has put some things to rest.

What struck me was your parenthesis "and I still secretly have feelings for him". I wondered about this in relation to you and also to me. Do I still have feelings for my x? I suppose I have feelings, but what are they? Certainly nothing like what I thought they were before. Maybe what is confusing me is reconciling an acknowledgement of previous feelings (while questioning whether they were deluded) with all the changes that have occurred since. I used to feel love (I think), now I feel hurt, angry, sad etc. It's just so much more momentous than simply e.g. rereading a book and marvelling at how you could ever have rated it, or finding you have lost your sweet tooth.

I ask myself, are those secret feelings you have love, or the desire to have him back, or rather perhaps a sort of nostalgia?

And how will these feelings change for us when we really have 'moved on' - moved home, no longer have to have contact etc. I am hoping I can look back on them as at holiday snaps, maybe reminisce about the good times, without remotely wishing to go back. Right now I can't imagine wanting to go back, but I am still too caught up in all the wrangling to be able to look back without the odd anguished pang, but I am getting there with glimpses of peaceful acceptance of what was and what is now.

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Vastra, I think it would have been much better if I hadn't let him in nor talked to him. He 'put me in a position' as ever - overwhelming my defences with a dilemma which goes a bit like this, He's drunk, he might kick off, it's better not to wake the neighbourhood...so I let him in (and I still secretly have feelings for him). I was thinking recently how he used to overwhelm his family forcing us into the rescuer position or he may do something terrible thus his sister took him in for a horrible year for her; his mother took him in for three difficult months; the new girlfriend left her husband and kids as she was in part worried he might commit suicide (her brother had in real life), and I...well so many difficult 'positions'; his female boss at work enabled him to keep his job and work from home. The drama triangle by Karpman I think is good at illustrating what can happen.
His visit did as Afon has suggested help me move on a little though. Afon, I love the sound of your merry home and the ex helping out but in his place. Interestingly my ex hasn't lifted one tiny finger to help me even though I have had to get the house ready for market. It was a surreal experience and the only trace of his visit was an empty beer can left in the garden
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What a strange encounter! I am glad you shared it with us, it's all part of following the journey and paints a picture of a man who seems to judge others according to how well they fulfil his needs at that time. Love the BS classic from him too - "she understands me", the flip side of "my wife doesn't understand me", which probably really means "my wife understands me and my addiction too well and I'm bored". I'm impressed that you managed to talk with him and let him stay, I doubt I could do that. Still can't do anything more than the occasional brief discussion about something neutral like politics, and wouldn't touch him with a bargepole!
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Actually maybe you are still hurting more that you have admitted to yourself,but seeing him and his subsequent behaviour will now endorse newer feelings,and hopefully those will be for the best to help you.When someone hurts us,betrays us,they show that our love and feelings mean not a jot to them,they are running their own life,sod everyone around them.So that is the time to say enough is enough,I will not let you hurt me anymore....
Coming to that time takes strength and courage,but maybe that is now where you are.Yes seeing him and your conversation with him,would have stirred up countless emotions inside of you,but reality is..
He simply does not care about anyone but himself....

Maybe there will be a next time,who knows,but protect yourself then.
Twonk comes here at times,and yes we talk also,not about us anymore though,I refuse to get drawn into that one,but luckily for me,any jobs I cannot do,he will help with.Although I have to say,when he is here,there is a look in his eyes which is his reality,the sadness that this was his home,this was his safe harbour from the trials of life..

Now what does he see?
A confidant Ex,who is constantly smiling,
New furniture and decoration,
He hears music and phones constantly going,
And 2 black tomcats who rule the roost,so the lighthouse is closed to him,open for business when the keeper allows :) :)

Take care hun,your definatly getting stronger....

Afon Xxx
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Thanks Angie P and Pixy. I almost didn't want to give him the space in my blogs but it was a happening and in a way part of my recovery. If there is a next time, my door will remain closed. I think my defenses were down as it was so unexpected. I think our relationship meant a lot more to me than him. I was easily replaceable. I'm not as moved on as I would like to be though
:(
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It was not a good idea to invite him in, but you got through it and the tsunami of emotions has passed - you really must be getting stronger, so we'll done you.
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Wow Stem ginger. That almost seems surreal. It is good that you can see things so clearly in amongst all the emotion and sounds like you are getting stronger and stronger. X
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