Today the sun is shining. Recently I find my mood can be linked to how much vitamin D I manage to soak up.. So it is with a smile on my face that I am writing this entry.
Firstly I would like to say a huge thank you to all the Wiki's. Over the last week (or so) I have had so many responses / emails from people that I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I have spent 7 months floundering around talking to friend & family (who have been great) about what is happening. Yet none of them have experienced what it is that I am going through, they don't understand what a divorce is like, separations and breakups maybe but not a divorce. Then to find this site and to have so many people opening up and sharing their own experiences and out of the goodness of their heart trying to make it that bit easier on someone who is going through what they are going through... Well, like the sunshine, it puts a smile on my face. So thank you. I am truly humbled.
My Sunday was lovely. My intention was to go to my local park and take some pictures. But I pulled out one cupboard of misc items and like an addict I just couldn't stop clearing out all the clutter. I came across a box filled with memorabilia from my ex and I relationship. There was hundreds of receipts, pictures, love letters, wedding album, wedding register with kind words from friends / family and lots tokens that all made up the happiest times of our relationship. I shall keep it, that lovely box, stowed away where I can't see it. You should never throw away memories like that because they all make up who you are. So many happy times that I had completely forgotten about, wistfully remembered in the midst of my divorce. Whilst sorting I came across a letter from my ex telling me how much he loved me, how animated he gets when talking about me, how if ever we were to break up he would fall back into old habits: suffering from depressions, smoking / drinking too much and generally having the self destructive behaviours he had prior to meeting me. Funnily enough what he said back then, all those year ago, have transpired. He has fallen back into all the patterns of bad behaviour, he is depressed and things started falling apart for him. In my response to his letter I say that I can't believe how lucky I am to have him, that I don't understand why he is with me and that I never want to loose him.... the first thing my therapist picked up on after the break up: low self esteem. Its funny how the core of who we are never really changes, or it takes something big in order to change. I often wonder if we had the opportunity to really sit there and critically evaluate ourselves at the beginning would we have ever gotten married? Or if we had gotten married would it have lasted if we understood that he needed to sort out his self destructive behaviour (not run away from it in the marriage) and I need to sort out my self esteem (not hide from it within our marriage). Were we just doomed from the start? Is it asking too much to change ourselves to make a marriage work? Or would we have appreciated each other and the marriage more for bettering ourselves to make the marriage work? Maybe this relationship has taught me valuable lessons about myself so that I can make my life better and move on and have a better life and healthier relationships? I guess the last way is the healthiest way to look at things. Still learning to let go. Though wise words from other wikis has taught me that will take time.
After hours of de-cluttering I went to the cinema with my niece. Possibly my favourite person on this planet. We watch the latest Hunger Games film, which was just thoroughly depressing, but she is such good company it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless. It was afterwards when she started talking to me about her love life and asking for advise that really got me thinking. Had she been asking me these questions a year ago I would have jumped straight in there, telling her the best course of action and ways to make it work. Now (with a lot of caution) I suggest: taking a step back, looking at things, don't jump into anything and really think about how YOU feel about the situation before you make any moves. I am more cautious, I recognise that I used to have a lot of arrogance where relationships are concerned. Without knowing, when in the last few months it happened, I have changed as a person. Some of my confidence / arrogance will come back I am sure, but I hope to always remain humble. No two relationships are the same and you need to always remember that when dispensing advise:
"Don't base your relationship decisions off of the advice of people who don't have to live with the results."
That's not to say you shouldn't listen to people with experience. But only you can apply it to your relationship and your life.
Yesterday I plucked up the courage to go to the run club. I hovered outside the pub where we were meeting for a few minutes with my nerves getting the better of me. I don't know what it is about me but I have never had that blessed ability to blend into a crowd. I took a deep breath and walked in. People welcomed me, introduced me to everyone, a rather over zealous man tried to get me to go into his running group which was way to fast for me and a rather heated debate from the people around me ensued. I tried to engage another lady who had just started that same day, though she managed to hide at the back without anyone bothering her! I must learn how she does that. Now when you meet me I come across as confident, I over compensate for my shyness with an overt display of friendliness but believe me when I say this lovely group made me even more terrified about my forthcoming run!! Still, I went and it was lovely. I managed a whole 5k at a very slow pace and talked to one of the founding members and didn't have to stop once. I didn't quite have the courage to go for a drink afterwards, perhaps next week I will feel brave enough to go for a drink with a group of strangers. But on the night lots of people asked me the same question: why have you started running. I say the same thing 'to get fit, meet new people etc etc' but even to my own ears it falls flat. The honest truth: I'm lonely and in the midst of a divorce and need a distraction. But I don't want to put that on a bunch of strangers who have just met me, so I smile and continue on with my 'everything is okay' face. Besides a lot of people in the group thought I was in my early twenties, I look very young for my age, so no one really thinks to question me any further. A lot of the people in the group were middle / older aged women. This is great as a child of divorce who grew up with her mother and friends I have a natural affinity and feel very supported by that demographic of women. However, it doesn't do much for my social life: I would like to meet people my age whom I can go out for drinks / socialise with. I guess it will just have to spur me on to become a better runner where there are more people in my age group.
After leaving the club I decided to walk home, which gave me about 2 miles to put my headphones in and really think about things. I started to feel proud of myself. My mum said 'nature abhors emptiness' so I guess it is nature that is spurring me on to continue to find ways to meet new people. I have to put myself out there again on Thursday when I start me course and again on Saturday where I have my first ever meet up. For some people this would take no bravery at all, they would think of it as just a fun thing to do. For me I am nervous and constantly worried about what people think of me, but I shall continue to be brave, I have no other choice. My therapist said I am one of the bravest people she knows: that the day after my husband left me I went to work, I immediately started therapy, instead of wallowing I called friends & family in order to fill my diary, that I am making plans for a future alone.. that I should take consolation in that and never let someone call me weak (like my ex said that I was) again. But to me it doesn't feel like bravery. It feels like survival. From somewhere deep within me I know I have no choice than to continue on and get over this dark period.
On a lighter(ish) note I looked on my social media briefly today and felt like my computer was talking to me as I had the following two quotes flash up from my favorite poet of the moment R.M. Drake:
and in that moment, all
I could remember was our
goodbye and how every
moment spent was like I
never knew you at all.
suddenly, everything was beautiful.
the way she viewed the world
was nothing more but a reflection of
I don't really know if anyone is reading my blog, its really just for me to get my feelings out and to help anyone who may be going through the same. But regardless I want to say that you aren't alone, that I am sorry you are on this site and that if ever you need someone to email then please feel free to drop me a message.
Hi Sungirl. Thank you, I am so glad you like my blog. I was thinking of trying my local gym, I am glad it worked for you!
Marshy has given some incredible advise, such a kind giving person.
I don't know about you but I hope to reflect back on this time with a smile thinking, not thinking about the constant dull ache of heart break, but about all the crazy things I have done in an effort to 'find myself' ;D I have a meetup on Saturday, I'm not sure if its for me but there is something quite liberating about having nothing left to loose! I will definitely look into some photography and art courses in my area: I find that it soothes the soul and I'm glad you have managed to find like minded people to share your time with. :)
I was abit like you in that when my marriage broke down I felt the best thing to do was get out there and start making a new life for my self from the start. I won a 6 week gym pass a couple of weeks before it all happened which I honestly think saved me. I went there all the time! I too joined a running club and meet up groups. If I'm honest I found the first few meet up groups made me feel lonelier, I just didn't click with anyone my advice would be keep trying different things, I found an art group and have made some great new friends through that. You mentioned you like taking photos, you may find a photography meet up on there. A fellow wiki once told me my ex had handed me a golden key, a key to change my life into anything I want it to be. That has always stuck with me, (thank you Marshy)