Coming home round midnight (not a night on the tiles, but just a few days' work, late shift unfortunately). Tired. Stepping out of the tube and there was one other person, a young teenage girl, just in front of me. She was a gangly schoolgirl, dwarfed by the instrument case on her back, and swinging a schoolbag and sports kit as well. The sight of her gave me such a pang. She reminded me, not of my younger daughter, but of her best friend. Something about her physique and her lolling gait, her Enid Blyton character hair. I was just thinking it was a bit late and I hoped she was safe, when she got into a waiting car with what was obviously her dad. I used to do that. Pick them up places. Wait in dark cars on street corners, bundle them up in the car and deliver them home safe and sound. I miss my daughter so much. I know of course that she is not the young girl she was. She is older and quite independent. I expect she is happy about that, but I am sad that she is left to her own devices at her dad's. I know that at her age she is capable of getting her own dinner but my heart aches at the thought that she is doing so, when I would be so happy to have a meal waiting for her, and sit with her and ask her about her day, share the ups and downs, laugh at her descriptions of what the others had been up to at school and so on. People tell me she will come round, that it will all be all right 'in the end'. I'm not sure that is good enough. It may have to do. But I will never have this time back, and she is growing up without me. And who knows when 'the end' will come? I walked home from the tube in tears, when I had been managing a bit better lately. I miss my family. I was not happy when I was married to that man, at the end, though I was confident we could fix it. I was wrong about that, but then I did not have all the information he had. I don't want him back - no way! - and I know that the children would be growing up and leaving anyway, but I miss my family. And it hurts.
Your blog did make me feel sad and I felt the ache in your heart. I wish I had some words of comfort for you. You mention that she is left to her own devices at her dads. I would imagine that for a young person this is bliss. No nagging parents, who don't understand me.You know the age old saying " youth is wasted on the young" so I suppose she needs to mature a little to be able to understand you a bit more, unfortunately that only comes with maturity Eliza. I know you can't get the time back and there's little you can do about that, except that you must keep lines odd communication open and be the bigger person. Having said that, I do think that it's a very sad and a distressing thing to see how divorce wrecks that family unit.
Sadly missing your children is a recurring theme on wiki and it always stirs feelings of injustice in me. It shouldn't have to be this way, but so many wikis will read your blog and feel you have expressed the sadness they're feeling too.
We know being a parent brings great joy and some heartache, but you are getting just the heartache and that's hard to bear.
You miss the person and their everyday chat, you miss hearing the details of their lives, boyfriends/girlfriends successes and their thoughts about anything and everything.
Write her letters but keep them. Get the feelings down in black and white just as you have poured out your feelings to us.
This is a time when you need to talk to friends, and talk, and talk and talk, until you almost bore yourself. You will never get over the pain, but you might be able to ease it by sharing it. Hope writing the blog helped just a little bit. xx
Aww Eliza,my sincere thoughts are with you.
I cannot offer any pearls of wisdom because I simply don't have any,your daughter will do just as she wishes,just as they all do at that age.One thing I would be sure of though,she knows that she is loved by you,and yes you cannot get this time back,but at some point things will improve,and your relationship will get back on an even keel again.
Missing your family?
I can honestly say I miss that also,although my girls live within 2 minutes of me,I still miss them being home and me looking after my little family,and I honestly don't think that feeling will ever go away.Eliza at least we are being honest with ourselves and acknowledging it,but it's something we have to deal with,not our kids.
No matter how old our kids are,they are still our babies,and we will always worry about them..