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Moving on Pushing Forwards

D Updated
Hi never thought I'd commence a blog . Here goes anyway . Ok , think most might know I'm two half years down the line absolute in back pocket now and just tying up the financial issues. Experienced the pain of it all still do at times then it passes and comes again . I'm beginning to get all we have is now I have spent a long time looking back , i journaled a lot not so much these days and confided in people regarding my situation . I sometimes think though I could be further on than I am however I procrastinate . And it's hit me why . It's because I don't know which way to turn the bloody rudder . So I stay drifting which does not help . Bumbling through the day and wishing I was well and elsewhere. So decision making shot to pieces . For now . My ex is now turning into a person I see as mother of the children and a bitch . That aside has anyone after going through this found that they too feel rudderless no sense direction or purpose . ? Or is it me ? Children grown up now don't need me s much . Need my wallet and driving skills that's bout it . I have too much time on my hands now . I work part time , play guitar go to the gym , socialise . Yet there remains a feeling of emptiness sadness and loneliness . I can be out with friends and it washes over me. Will a new start in another part country help ? It's a friggin conundrum all of this , What the hell I do now ? Is that how you blog lol Thanks D

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Hi to all my wiki friends

Not posted a while has I have been seriously getting into my business and moving onwards and upwards .

Life is good . Reading back at some of my own post way back I see a different person . One who was full of hate and anger , sadness, feelings of unworthiness . Divorce certainly makes one step back and think about what is important in life's.

I realised all I wanted was to live in peace and happiness . That's it . Simple . Strip away the neediness lie the loneliness lie the oh if I have this or that I will be happy . If I have a partner again I will be full filled and happy . All lies . Stories I told myself . I went out and chased them all , did it make me happy NO ...

Change my thoughts and change my world .

All pain and suffering came from my thoughts . My ex partner did not cause them . I caused my own pain and suffering . I guess we all have choices and our challenges to face . We are all entitled to happiness , that included my ex whom I hope is very happy and achieves all that she wants . I really do wish her well and much happiness .

I also wish each and everyone of you a Healthy and Happy New Year .... stand tall and face your fears and challenges and accept the past is past , your brilliant and wonderful future awaits .

Today I pay my respects to the Somme Heroes . And I thank myself lucky never to have faced that horror .

I thought Divorce and all its pain was tough but compared to what our troops went through , in fact all mankind went through I cannot imagine . No, they bore a greater pain and horror than I could ever face .

So , that said where are we . Well, house sold moving away in six week so packing to sort and head to the sunshine . I feel more at peace with myself and even laugh again . You know when I first started this journey and read all the post of those wise wikis that had gone before me . I thought , No way will I ever recover . I read and re read and really believed that lie .

However, I started to read , go counselling , volunteer, became involved in stuff bigger than I . Serve people and put positive energy out there . I carried on my normal working activities . I found my passion for music . I indulged myself in it. So much so I joined a band , mainly for fun . I started to believe in me . I found a wiki friend that believed in me . I was supported by that wiki friend .
I came to realise I was not broken at all . I just believed the lies I told myself . I ruminated too much over the past instead of turning 180 degrees and face the other way . Heck , that was not easy . Asking myself what do I want . That for me was a biggie . I did not know I really did not know what the hell I wanted . All I knew was I did not want to live in fear and pain . That was a starter . Where did my pain come from .? Thoughts right . Grief for loss yes . Ok , how do I accept that ? How do I Declan move forward ? What do I need most of all ?

Health ....I valued that equated to gym and healthy foods so out with the crap
Finance .. I need to feel secure , keep work up and try to do it better become aware my income and expenditure .
Social... I need my friends and family , volunteer , get involved with stuff bigger than me ,
Who am I .... My passion what drives me .... Music ... Guitar .. Cooking ... Sense of justice and fairness .. What are my beliefs ... Any false ones that need dismantling .. Found a few .. Sought help

Wise ........ Learn my lessons eh ... I blamed ex for everything ... What a lie that was .. I turned the finger towards me .. That was scary ..

Yeah , all in all I now aim for progress not perfection , I know I am flawed and can never ever be perfect ...all I can be is the best that I can be .. Love my fellow man and treat all as I would like to be treated

I have gone on a bit there haven't I ....

May life treat you all kindly

Not blogged for a while . Been reading lots of interesting post and blogs . Painful though it was at first I realise that I have come a far way .
Personally , I feel for those just starting on their journey . Many will be feeling confused , lost , lonely and afraid . Wondering what happened . And , thinking " if I could just make the pain stop somehow.... " I think everyone who has ever been through severe emotional pain knows that it's not a walk in the park . Not quite sure if you can compare it to physical pain , but my experience was that it was much more intense over a longer period of time . The realisation of what you have lost .
Life goes on and what can we do make the pain stop , so we can carry on with day to day obligations.
I was told early on distract myself . good advice , although I found impossible at beginning when pain was so intense . Some numb it with alcohol , drugs even .problem is pain accumulates .
Another is if only my partner came back all will be well .Maybe it would ... If things would go back to normal .
They rarely do , all the issues are still there . I think most of my pain initially came from a place of helplessness that I was pushed into after the break .
Best advice I was given initially was go no contact .it forced me to stop being a victim and take responsibility and action .
Of course I read lots of books , researched , practised mindfulness and journaling along with lots of other methods and positive actions to be where I am now . Wiki, became a good place . Examine my behaviours and actions was painful . You see I tended to blame everyone else or every situation on someone or something outside of me .
For me , no contact is a good rule . I know not all can do that . However , minimal contact is a start . .

Then , comes the ruminating and the fears that need dismantling along with self limiting beliefs . I know that if the work is put in then we can become a much better version of us .
Right ... Time for gym .. Then healthy breakfast .. Plan my day ...
Going to a show tonight .. Grease .. On my own .. Wow !! I don't think I could have done that a while back ..
Good Luck all ......... Warm thoughts for all here on Wiki . It really does get better . ;D
Just an update folks.
This divorce malarkey takes its toll doesn't it . Raises all sorts of emotions . Been places that I never want to visit again .
Anyways reason for today's blog is that consent order went before judge yesterday so I should be about done now.
All that is left is to get rid of FMH .
This wiki has helped me and the support out there is second to none .
I have moved on personally I guess . Guitar playing has improved . I work as a volunteer now at the local hospital radio station . Presenter and next going try hand at the tech side and production . Who knows where that will lead . Meanwhile , I have carried on working at my normal job . Taken up meditation , that headspace app is a good one for me .
So my friends I am slowly moving along . To you all out there my fellow wikis , I send my warmest thoughts to you all . I know the pain that you feel I too have felt it . I sincerely hope that you find your way and yourself and go on to lead a happy and fulfilling life . The life that you want to live . It will come . With that I will say Adieu for now . Now I go look after me .
Warm thoughts

Thank you all for the replies . It's good to know that there is a vast array of support out there when we require that bit of understanding . Thank you all .
If you are looking for something to give you a purpose in ice have you thought about volunteering ? Find something you like doing and offer your time and skills. I am a Cub Scout leader and although it' can take up your time , it's fun with the kids and the other leaders.
Hi Declan, I feel a bit like that now, even though divorce seems a long way off. Separated but feel in no mans land as he has someone else and seems to be moving on with his life. Before the reveal, my ex asked me to accompany him to a wedding as his plus one. I saw no reason not to accept as we were getting on very well, just living in separate quarters but still did everything as a family. After the reveal, I asked him if he still wanted me to go with him, all the time he kept saying "Yes". He said nothing to me about the arrangements for the wedding but thought, no I will leave it to him to come to me, even though past form told me otherwise. So I went out and brought a new outfit and a present for the bride and groom, knowing that he would not have thought of doing this (see, old habits die hard!). The day before the wedding I asked him again if he still wanted me to be his plus one. His answer? "Only if you're not going to be funny". I asked what that meant, he said because the other day when I spoke to you, you couldn't look me in the face! ?? I asked if he had asked her to go with him, with a smirk he said yes but not sure if she's going. He said he would talk to me later. (Now I know what you're thinking, any sane person would have told him to take a run and jump and it did cross my mind, but I wanted to see if he had a backbone and tell me that he didn't want me go with him anymore. I have always done the hard bits, giving him excuse after excuse after excuse so he doesn't have to - most of the time unwittingly). The meeting didn't happen until next day when he text to say that he would like me to come with him. Yes, really!!!! All I wanted from him was honesty but never do I get it. The man's a social cripple and doesn't know how to handle people, or more importantly, his wife!! By the way I forgot to mention that he is also a guitarist and was playing at this wedding, with a relative also performing. The text said he would pick me up but he also asked our daughter to accompany him who was supposed to be sitting for her brother. When he arrived I asked if he really expected me to go with him. He said his newbie wasn't going, so I said OK so you can't take girlfriend, so the wife will do! His answer, as expected, "OK" .... Non-committal, non-caring, non-feeling. That was a pivotal moment for me, a sign that it is well and truly over. He cares not one jot... and do you know, I didn't once feel like shedding a tear. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. Sorry Declan, I've digress for your post, didn't mean to but needed to get it out.

I had a fleeting moment about moving away too, but I have my babies who have had enough of an upheaval for now.

Another lesson I have learned from you lovely people is that emotions don't stay the same for long. You may think that you're over them one minute, could happily strangle them the next, but would have them back in heartbeat. All I know is that I have to go through whatever each day throws at me and deal with it. My quest is to take it in, Stand tall, fall along the way, but adapt to the situation before me!!

Take care Declan, you are an inspiration to us all !! x
rudderless yes I completely get that, the urge to relocate, yes get that to, and i will one day, but for now im needed here, so I will stay here, mums taxi without the £ ;D. I`ve spent my time leaning, walking for miles with the dog, learning to be me again.
don't be hasty, don't rush xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Declan
Lots of us can relate to the rudderless, what's the point of it feeling I am sure, I know I can. I am further behind you so can't really advise, I'll leave that to wiser Wikis. I do try to remember all the good things I have, like 2 fantastic kids (grown up really but they do still need parenting), my health, good job etc and know that some people don't have those. Its the glass half full view which on some days is easier than others.That feeling of being lonely in a crowded room is the real kicker of suddenly finding yourself single. I try to think that it's better than being with someone else who did not really value me. May be we are not drifting but jut waiting to see where life takes us.And trying to enjoy the journey B xx
Declan - your children will always need you. I thought I would never need my parents again - me the independent, strong and outgoing woman I once was before the sh*t hit the fan. My parents have been there for me all the way, as I am sure you will for your children. xx
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