I imagined a few months ago when was I the depth of despair as we broke up, that once I had left him and set up my own house, behind my own front door, that he would cease to have any control over me. And of course, the reality is that he hasn't. But he still has the power to upset me. He still has his little ways of sneering and belittling what I am and what I do....
This week I have been given a vehicle as my job is a fundraiser for a large charity whose big time is coming up now. As STBX's car is not working and I need somewhere to store my own car, I offered my car to him (I could have just parked it at my Mum's) - you'd have thought I was offering him a bag of manure they way he accepted this.
Anyway, I took my car down to him today and I could tell he was in a mood straight away. One of the things he could never stand and always made sure to make snide remarks about was any perk I got from my job (I think he can't stand my having such responsibility), so the vehicle that I had been allowed to have was of course going to wind him up. Then he noticed I was wearing a work waterproof jacket I had been issued. 'Nice jacket' he spat.
On the drive back here he was monosyllabic and at times just plain nasty. 'So, have you got what you wanted, are you happy?', he grumpily asked. Now, anyone who has read this blog will know that I am absolutely beside myself with happiness... But I just thought I it would be unfair and hurtful to say that (although he never spares my feelings) so I just brushed it off with "well, I am very busy' And 'I am ok thanks'.
Then he asked what movie I had been to see last week (alone) when I said it was 'Suffragette' and then jokingly said he'd have liked it, he snapped 'Yes, well of course because I am a sexist aren't ?'
I suppose I was a fool to think that he would suddenly become a reasonable and easy human being once we were apart. He was an unreasonable and nasty person all his life and now, angry, he is still blaming me for what he has caused.
When our split gets out amongst anyone we knew (we had very few friends). I doubt that anyone will come up to me and say, 'How could you split with such a lovely guy?' They are more likely to say 'What took you so long?' Ha! Good riddance you b*****d.
Hi yes, its kind or hard to know and learn that we should not really expect anything from our exs. The "conscious uncoupling" and friendly aftermath advertised in the tabloids and by "celebrities" is far from reality. Time now to focus on ourselves and our own family & friends. Its a massive adjustment and I know its one that caused a huge amount of "separation anxiety" for me. Coming out the other side is a blissful release and living a more peaceful life is something I'm now very grateful for.
Be patient, it takes time to disconnect emotionally from longterm relationships and strangely, unhealthy ones seem to take even longer! I'd suggest what most other Wikis would - minimise your contact to the bare essentials, don't expect to be having friendly conversations with him, and stick to email not phone or face to face. Emotions are raw post divorce and I don't think it's possible to be friends when it was an unhappy split, at least early on. I've also found that helpful gestures (e.g. ensuring kids get to various sports on his weekend) seem to make my ex angrier after an initial "thanks" - perhaps they don't like to see us doing well or behaving well, and not fitting the evil caricature they have made of us?