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On a downer this morning

A Updated
My first day truly alone yesterday, woke up alone, went to bed alone. I guess that has something to do with it. Had a good evening as it happens, drank a few beers, had a good chat to a friend, nothing special but real "me" time for a change.

However, this morning there were tears during the walk to work. Not full on crying but enough to make me put my sunglasses on which in the half light of 7:30am must have looked stupid. I thought I looked cool, the people I passed thought I looked like a tw@. C'est la vie.

There is an underlying bitterness that I have been suppressing for a while now because I don't want to be bitter. However, recent events such as the move, X2B's free weekend with her new man, the fact that he moved in the day I left etc. etc. have taken their toll. Don't get me wrong, I don't think any of it is ‘wrong' as such, there is no reason why he shouldn't move in as soon as I've gone, it just gets to me.

I realised this morning something that I had known for some time but not fully appreciated. I am not in love with my wife anymore, not the new version. I am in love with who she used to be and unfortunately I always will be. In a way this is good news because I can look at her now and think sometimes I don't actually like you anymore. However, I will always be thinking back to how things were and what we used to have. That will dull in time I know, but it will never go away fully.

I need distance from her for a bit and I think I wrote before about how I think she is leaning on me too much and she needs to not do that. In fact, I believe she needs to not lean on anyone for a while including her new guy. This is because she needs to form a layer of independence for when she has to deal with situation on her own. I'm not sure she's doing that at the moment. I also need to have my independence; maybe I need to stop offering to do stuff for her as well. It's a tricky balance to achieve and I need to think about it some more.

I also need distance for my own reasons. An example, last night we talked on the phone about some left over issues that had to be discussed. At the end of the conversation she said "OK darling, speak to you soon". It's that "d" word that doesn't work for me. I'm going to have to ask her not to do that. A bit petty I know, but it has too much significance for me.

All of this is partly because I have been forced to look inwardly for a change. Normally, I busy myself with helping others and that prevents me from thinking about me. However, since the move I have not had access to the internet and therefore this place and emails etc. have not been available to distract me. So, I've had time to think about me. I guess that's a good thing?

 

So, I'm writing this week off. Nothing productive will come of it. I'll feel down for a few days and then kick myself up the ar$e and tell myself to stop moping about and get on with it.

Whatever ‘it' is.

 

 

 

User comments

6 comments
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Comment
Hi Andrew,

You have come a long long way..don't forget that, as much as we all get going, move on one step at a time, look forward to time to ourselves, it's still a hard adjustment for any superhuman.

Take each day at a time, allow yourself to feel happy when it happens.

I find this time one of self realisation, a time for exploration and with it comes clarity of what is possible to achieve in our lives and what we have already achieved, don't discount anything, because getting through to the next day is an achievement.

I am so busy with work and children and am thankful for the distraction but as much as everything is going ok..I'm here because I just need that little bit of understanding company. It's a bit like calling up a mate, but without the feeling that you are being a bore.

Take this opportunity to be selfish for once in your life and do what you want to do, when you want to do it and take pleasure in it.

Then when you feel like a chat..call up your mates.

Take care!

Sals




S
Comment
Andrew - Youre missing the normality of your past life. Youre missing your daughter and the everydayness (yes I know I made that word up) of the life you had. Its hard I know.

You will get used to your new life and you have your daughter to look forward to when she stays with you. You are [u][/u] building a new life and you have to be positive about that and i know you will be. :)

It will get easier and the ache will not hurt as much over time. Yes you will still ache because you will miss your daughter when she is not with you but it will not be as acute because you will see her happy spending time with you as her dad.

Its bound to be difficult this week. Take care of yourself.
Tinny
T
Comment
I'm equally glad & sad for you Andrew, my distant cousin of sorts! :p

I'm glad I read your blog today though. I've been trying to figure out much of those same feelings on my end. I never put 2 2 together though....do I really still love "her", or do I love what she [i]was[/i]?

Sometimes, reading how other people shed light on their own situation is very encouraging. I need to really sit down and ask myself those same questions.

I know exactly where you are coming from with the "darling" terms. I have not dealt with much of that, but the smallest form of encouragement from her can send me spiraling emotionally.

I think the alone time is very good for you, but I look forward to seeing you back on the chat, yapping it up with us.

Take care. Have one for me :beer:
"Cheers"
C
Comment
It is such early days at the moment, you will have s*** days but hopefully it will get easier as time passes. I am hoping that is the case for me too. Don't underestimate the trauma you are going through, it's ok to get upset, but you are doing so well. When you find yourself feeling a bit down, go do something for yourself. Keep positive and tell yourself that you will be happy again but it will take time to get through this.

Autumn x
A
Comment
Your second paragraph is so true.

As for the rest, well, this is what I do, carry on as normal for a while then almost force myself to take a hit to normalise again. Not sure it's healthy but that's the way I'm built. So I expect I'll have a few down days this week then I'll be fine again for a while.

Hopefully, by then, I'll be used to the new life and it will just be 'another day in paradise'....... :'(
A
Comment
I am really sorry that you have had a bad period there. It's almost as though you must expect a low to balance the recent high. It just seems that in these difficult times they come much closer than 'normal' life and with with bigger swings.

See how it goes with reduced internet access. I sometimes feel that the temptation is to look for too many answers on the net, or try to help others when the time might be better spent with a pencil and paper looking at one's own issues.

That's written by me looking at someone else's blog, when I should be doing some navel gazing too. I think I do it because it is easier to help someone who ha laid out their problems for you rather than peel away the onion-like layers hiding one's own problem.

I think I have turned this reply into a part-solution for my own problems or it has helped me to get me to think about me.

Thanks for helping me to help myself, I do hope the week gets better for you.

Do you think that having such a good week-end has actually made the solitude harder?

Good Luck and just remember that people are thinking about you even if they are invisible to you.

FB
J