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One year anniversary

V Updated
So last year this time I was sobbing my heart out, my head whirling with my husband's confession of love for OW, and the announcement he was leaving us. Even though I knew it was coming and demanded the truth from him, I remember feeling like a had been hit with a basketball in the guts, doubling over with my ears ringing, then unleashing a torrent of abuse at him for being such a pathetic middle-aged sleaze. And such evil timing, just after my birthday! Fast forward a year (if only it had been that easy), I'm waiting for the divorce papers to be delivered to my solicitor, my kids are away for the week and it's pouring with rain. I have had a horrible tight feeling in my chest and felt miserable and bleak these last few days, going through my first birthday since the separation. On the weekend I went out with friends in the morning and at night for birthday celebrations, but it was more distraction than genuine enjoyment. Tonight instead of watching TV on the couch with a glass of wine I went to yoga instead. It was a lovely evening class with a nurturing teacher who lit candles, put us through an hour of poses then tucked fleecy blankets around us for relaxation - the perfect antidote to a sad anniversary date. Now I am beginning to feel more pity towards him, which is much more comfortable than the intense hurt and rage that came on when I realised what he had been planning for so long. He has lost the respect of so many people, including his colleagues and family who do not like what he has done. I look back and can now see that he has struggled to make or maintain genuine friendships with men over the years, instead seeking out junior female colleagues to charm, then basking in their adoration. That same lack of empathy and refusal to work as equals with me has no doubt plagued other relationships, I just put up with it and naively hoped it would get better despite his refusal to see anyone for counselling. So rather than still being furiously angry with them both, I'm increasingly annoyed with myself for having been so dependent on him as to have married too young, suppressed most of my own dreams for travelling and working in interesting places to put his career ambitions way above my own. And I'm embarrassed that my boys have such a poor role model for a father, someone whose obsessive dedication to work completely trumped his involvement with family life, and who abandoned his own kids to indulge his shallow fantasy of being married to a musician, once he had achieved all he could at work. I've been tempted to suggest he see a psychotherapist but it will fall on deaf ears. My life has got to be all about my kids, getting back some focus with work and enriching my life with more hobbies. Now that I've got through the first year, I know the emotional roller coaster continues and the hurt will always be there, but I'm sure it's going to be better from here.

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Vastra, everything that has been written here echoes my thoughts and appreciation of your presence here on wiki. Your thoughts and comments helped to make things less unbearable for me back last August and your groper fish will always be with me. Good for you going to yoga instead on the day....it sounds lovely. You have done really well despite it all, despite your ex and his awful nightmarish behaviour. It's been a year since my ex lurched his way down to the coast and into the bed of his old friend. My story is different..I don't have to see him but you know he's starting to leave my head and this was where he has reigned supreme but he's going. I hope yours is on his way out and feeling sorry for him sounds like a good development.
S
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I think the average time to feel anything remotely like normal is 2 years........

This time next year :)
D
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Vastra,

What I know is that you are an incredibly strong,empathic, encouraging, generous,amazing woman and mother.

You have conducted yourself with integrity and dignity.
Whilst coping with the worst possible nightmare inflicted by the callous thing that isn't even worthy to be called your stbx.

This first year (as we all know) seems relentless in the torments,low blows and distress it gives us.Throughout you have made your children your number one priority as it should be.

As you start this next year looking forwards with head held high I hope you see more sunshine and rainbows than dark clouds and that the achieve list whilst growing gets many ticks on it.

((()))s
E
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Hi Vastra, it is sort of my year anniversary too, he went back and forwards for a year before, so I count this as the time when I knew it was definitely it was over. It's funny, I found out birthday time too, great eh. I don't cry everyday now, but I just feel angry for what he has done to his kids, like you.

Just think how far you have come in a year, imagine what you can do in the next year, let's hope we can post great things this time next year ! :D
WB
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Vastra I so understand what you are saying and feeling my heart goes out to you. xxxx
H
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It is also my year anniversary, so sending big hugs to you my dear. Luckily for me I am happy that it has ended, my divorce has been finalised and will be getting my tenancy signed over to me in June. I wish you the strength to move on and become the person you wish to be, the person you deserve to be.

They say that which does not break us makes us stronger....you are not broken, you will not be broken.
X
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Hi Vastra - I thought your one year anniversary was due as it always stuck in my mind that you are exactly one month ahead of me. I can imagine how sad and reflective this time is for you and yep this last year has pretty much sucked and should be filed under 'never ever to be repeated'

but....you came here about the same time as myself and whenever I read your blog entries and posts I am always struck by your kindness, intelligence and humour. You always strike me as very grounded and self aware and I really admire the way that you have got on with things practical and emotional. I think you have achieved so much in such a relatively short space of time and of course I know that we are just at an early stage on our journey and probably the second and even third year will test us sorely but I really do believe Vastra that you will conquer and be victorious.

Sending you best wishes and thinking of you. LXB. XXX
L
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Your in my thoughts,unfortunately these days can make us feel so sad,but they are only a day,they cannot hurt you.In fact nothing can hurt you,you have done amazingly well throughout this last year.You have seen your kids through the trauma and house move.You have been inspirational to many xxx
As Pixy already said.Another year for them?Nah...But will you give a toss? Like he'll you will.....When I reached the pity stage I knew I was finally healing....
Afonxx
A
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Vastra sending you massive ((hugs)) you are such an inspiration to us here and you have managed amazingly well with your boys and having to see OW!!! you have given out fantastic support on here and you are definitely an inspiration to me ;D

Just keep on in there girl he is not fit to be the dirt on your shoes

xxxxxxx
D
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Vastra, you have managed incredibly well in the face of ex's callous treatment of you and his children and his diabolical behaviour generally. You have endured the most hurtful and humiliating of situations with great strength of character. In addition, you have been a great support to many here on wikivorce and have shared generously. I will be willing you through this upcoming second year.

You are a credit to yourself and a blessing to your children. You did not deserve the treatment ex dished out to you. Shame on him. He is certainly not worthy of our Vastra.

Nige
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