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Pain, anger and so many tears

H Updated
I think maybe I've reached a different stage in this grieving process, anger. The reality of mediation has made it all so real, this IS happening however much I don't want it it's happening and its breaking me. I've never known what heartbreak is, maybe wen I was very young 15 and my girlfriend said she was moving away, maybe that was heartbreak at the time but no this is it, the very real physical pain in the chest that you can not get rid of. I'm angry right now, angry at everyone and everything. Angry that I'm in this mess and I can't control it, I need to be in control and it's been taken away from me, I feel panic like never before, I liken it to standing at the deep end of the pool when you can't swim knowing they are going to make you jump, everything telling you not to do this it's madness. I'm angry at myself that I let this happen, how could I have made my wife that unhappy that she thought that an affair would be the answer? I'm angry at her, what she's done to our perfect little family, destroyed everything we had worked so hard for over the last ten years. For what? A fling? Who knows. I still walk in everyday hoping to see her destroyed hoping that he has said he doesn't want her just to see her in a bit of pain, an ounce of the pain that I'm in right now, I want her to feel the fear, the panic of the future Alone. The knot in my stomach is back, sleep is getting less thoughts are getting more, and then there's the tears, so many tears now that I thought were all gone are back. Uncontrollable tears when I feel so alone at night and just want her to come and put her arms around me, hold me tight and tell me it's going to be ok. I miss my family, my family was everything to me and it's gone now. Now I have thoughts of stepdads, step mum's half brothers and sisters for my little girls, how will they cope with that. It's not how it was meant to be for them. I don't like this half life, I want my whole life back. I don't like being so alone. It scares me, the future frightens me so much. I'm slowly sinking into despair, I was doing ok and now I realise it's because everything had settled down, nothing was happening it was kind of normal again. I'm not coping very well at all, I need help and don't know what to do. I can't function properly, I'm letting the girls down. She's destroyed me.

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It's not the end of the world. 3 weeks and I go again. And again and again until I'm ready. I've put up a new blog all about what I'm doing now. Hopefully the link will work.
The anger doesn't last long I still think I've got a lot more if that to come. It's mainly sadness, panic. And fear.
Hi There

I found the anger stage horrible, almost as bad as the initial stages because it takes up so much energy and leaves you feeling physically exhausted.

I am not surprised your test didn't go well through lack of concentration. Your brain has had to process so much information that isn't day to day life, it doesn't leave room for much else. Well I hope you can have a second attempt and you pass. Good Luck with that
Thanks mate. I'm hanging on. But it feels like I'm hanging on to a rope covered in grease. Slowly slipping down. The anger doesn't last long, then the sadness takes over. The how could this happen to me thoughts. We had a blazing row last night which ended in me breaking down in front of her asking her to leave me alone. She started to cry too, I think she actually saw for the first time what she had done to me.
Hi hiwthi
Anger loneliness pain wow fella I get you .
You wanna know something .
I bought a punch bag stuck it up in my garage and filled it with all images of the ex and her cocky attitude .
Then knock ten bells out of it .
Has it cured it . Well it realises some anger and emotion and I can swear like a trooper in the garage whilst punching it . In fact when the solicitors bill arrives it has some more .
Sometimes inside the bag I put loneliness and all the other negative shite .
I used to throw books at the wall in fact I through my diary once . Paper everywhere .
The emotion lingers time to time then lifts and I try push on .
Basically fella when you feel like you describe, you are not alone in this, there are a lot of souls feeling the same pain and emotions .

I read somewhere it's not the situation that's the problem . It's how we interpret it and deal with it .
We will get there . Hang on
Well I had a knowledge test today which I can safely say didn't go well at all unsurprisingly. It's starting to swallow me up and it's ruining that too. When you are trying to learn 25000 london streets and endless thousands of points if interest it's hard going when you can't concentrate for more than 5 minutes. So much pressure in me to get it done now too that's not helping.
Hi Hiwthi - yes I feel angry at all the devastation too. Think I have realised that there is no harm in acknowledging it - so when I am accused of being angry I just say that I have a right to be. In my case I feel anger can act as a catalyst to moving forward, when I feel sad (going between the two emotions at the moment) I get a bit lethargic and lose momentum. Can also see how easy it can be though to go from anger to bitterness which only serves to harm yourself, so fine line to tread. Think we do need to acknowledge how we feel (which is were Wiki is great) and as time goes on we become more practised at recognising and dealing with our emotions.
That's exactly it pixy, how stupid to throw away everything for what will be nothing. I told her last night it's 4 people lives you have ruined not just me and your daughters but yours too. Maybe not now but in time. And it's true I don't think anyone will ever get over it. Not truly. This was the person I wanted to grow old with, how can I let go, even over the years I think it will never leave me. There will always be memories everywhere we turn. It's heartbreaking that the person I would of died for thought that little of me. But still I look at her after all the pain she has caused and see my wife, the little girl I wanted to look after and protect. Will I ever let go? I don't think so.
I was angry too. And why shouldn't we be angry about these selfish prats who decided to ruin our lives because they were unhappy with themselves and took an easy way out.

I am not convinced that we ever heal fully; I think the scars remain all too visible. But the anger does fade. And when the affair goes tits up, as it surely will, it turns into sadness at such unbelievable stupidity.
I so agree with Mitchum,anger is one emotion you have to go through.
You have to feel it at your ex,the situation,the third party(if any)and also at yourself,but feeling it and dealing with it is cathartic.

I also wanted my Ex to feel pain,wanted him to experiance every emotion I felt,how you feel,I wanted him to feel that despair.Now I can see that I was wrong,if he was not happy with me,he was entitled to be happy with another,just go about things in the correct manner.

Yes it is heartbreak,you think that you will never heal,and do we heal completely?but we do heal,we do get stronger,but this takes time.
Each and everyone's story is differant,the journey they take is differant,so the healing timescale will also be differant,and actually as human beings,we are all differant,so our coping mechanisms all differ.You have to do what is best for you,and if that means crying,well cry !!...I promise you,I cried rivers..

Yes your life will be differant,but you will adjust to this,you will make things work.
My eldest once said to me,
"Mam throughout school I was proud that A another and myself were with parents who were still married,then at 29 I became one of those statistics,I became one of my peer group"
All so sad,but a sign of the times I think..

One piece of advice I will give you and anyone else,utilise other wiki's,they have felt your pain,your fears,they will never judge...
They have been where you are now,but have come through it,just as you will.I promise you,we are all here to help each other.

Take care
Afon Xxx
Experiencing anger is one of the phases in the breakdown of a relationship and it's a dynamic emotion if you use it as a means of seeking solutions, resolving issues or venting frustration.

I can appreciate your frustration/anger with her attitude and her antagonistic responses to your requests. Ask yourself whether, focused as you are on what she's saying and doing, and I agree it is callous, can you let some of your anger wash over you? It's draining and leaves you emotionally and physically low. Vent it on wiki. Tell us about it as you have done in the forum and now your blog. Well done on starting a blog btw.

Most of us enter marriage with hopes, dreams and expectations and when it ends we mourn these dreams as well as the relationship. You may need to be patient with yourself, but you also need to be brave as you confront your feelings of sadness and loss.

I totally get your concern over this throwing you into debt when you thought you were building a secure lifestyle for the family. As a matter of urgency then make sure you get a grip of the finances so that she cannot spend any more of the joint money on gifts for the OM.

The word heartbroken is so apt to describe that physical pain which you feel will suffocate you. It's the grief at losing what you thought was secure, a life you wished with all your heart would continue. The sense of loss and emptiness often cannot be put into words and only those who have experienced it know what you're going through.

When you're at your lowest, remind yourself that this intense pain is not permanent. It will pass. The tears? Let them flow. It's your body letting you know that you need to take care of yourself, the healing will come in time.

Hugs! xx