Today's feeling = Being positive
I realised yesterday that as a husband, I failed my wife.
Even in the midst of all the anger, despair and just plain emptiness of feeling at the moment I have looked back on the past few months leading up to her telling me it's over and realised that it is partly my fault.
I took her for granted. I saw her changing, improving her life, getting fit (and, sod's law working overtime here, she does now look stunningly attractive!!!), learning Spanish and integrating with the community and I just sat there and watched TV / played with our daughter.
She's left me behind and it's partly my fault. To be fair, she did tell me things that she wanted me to work on. She wanted me to get fit (and not be the fat blob I am, my words not hers), she wanted me to learn Spanish so I could deal with more situations at home.
Basically, she wanted me to keep up with her and I didn't.
And, no, it's not all my fault, both of us have failed at some things. She didn't talk to me when she was going through her bipolar attack, she didn't explain to me (in words of one syllable!!) how important these things were to her, she didn't let me help her as I have in the past. I listened but did not take the time to understand, I didn't put in the effort for our marriage that I should have.
Basically, I took her and our marriage for granted. So I failed and am partly to blame for our current situation.
I've told her, she didn't quite understand at first. But we've talked about it a little and she does now.
So, looking to the positives, these revelations for me will benefit the next significant other whenever they come along (but I suspect it will be some time before that happens!!). I won't take anyone for granted again, I've learned my lesson. The next proper relationship I have will be worked at, that's for sure.
She and I are sooooooo fortunate that we are who we are and that this is amicable. Painful, but amicable. I feel for those of you who are in far worse circumstances then me regarding your splits. Even though I am a mess at times, I can't even imagine how you must feel if you are constantly fighting your ex or if they have cheated on you. That's a whole new level of lowness that I hope I don't get to see.