A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Partly my fault

A Updated

Today's feeling = Being positive

I realised yesterday that as a husband, I failed my wife.

Even in the midst of all the anger, despair and just plain emptiness of feeling at the moment I have looked back on the past few months leading up to her telling me it's over and realised that it is partly my fault.

I took her for granted. I saw her changing, improving her life, getting fit (and, sod's law working overtime here, she does now look stunningly attractive!!!), learning Spanish and integrating with the community and I just sat there and watched TV / played with our daughter.

She's left me behind and it's partly my fault. To be fair, she did tell me things that she wanted me to work on. She wanted me to get fit (and not be the fat blob I am, my words not hers), she wanted me to learn Spanish so I could deal with more situations at home.

Basically, she wanted me to keep up with her and I didn't.

And, no, it's not all my fault, both of us have failed at some things. She didn't talk to me when she was going through her bipolar attack, she didn't explain to me (in words of one syllable!!) how important these things were to her, she didn't let me help her as I have in the past. I listened but did not take the time to understand, I didn't put in the effort for our marriage that I should have.

Basically, I took her and our marriage for granted. So I failed and am partly to blame for our current situation.

I've told her, she didn't quite understand at first. But we've talked about it a little and she does now.

So, looking to the positives, these revelations for me will benefit the next significant other whenever they come along (but I suspect it will be some time before that happens!!). I won't take anyone for granted again, I've learned my lesson. The next proper relationship I have will be worked at, that's for sure.

She and I are sooooooo fortunate that we are who we are and that this is amicable. Painful, but amicable. I feel for those of you who are in far worse circumstances then me regarding your splits. Even though I am a mess at times, I can't even imagine how you must feel if you are constantly fighting your ex or if they have cheated on you. That's a whole new level of lowness that I hope I don't get to see.

User comments

3 comments
To write a comment please register or
Comment
I agree to an extent..... I don't agree though that it takes two to 'upset' a relationship..... usually you will find that it is ONE person who upsets the relationship.... their reasons may be quite 'justified'.... (I guess it depends on one's point of view)
In my case....I don't believe I took my x2b for granted - nor him me..... apart from loving my x2b dearly...I actually LIKED him very much - I enjoyed the time we spent together, I thought I was a good wife.... and I felt that he felt the same way about me...
unfortunately, a third person can come into the equation - who, perhaps seems more 'appealing'..... and there we have it...
I have no idea how 'well behaved' my x2b is with this new person... but, to be honest... it doesn't really matter now.......
somewhere along the line I may (or may not) make sense of all of this.... who knows :'(
S
Comment
I agree it take two to upset a relationship, it takes commitment from two to work at it. The partner doing the leaving and cheating is taking the easy way out.
What ever issues they have in the relationship that left behind will surface at some point in the new one. When you have been with someone a long time you take them for granted and treat them with less courtesy than a work college.
When they meet someone else they have to be on their best behaviour . They cannot treat them with the disrepect they show an old relationship because the new partner would not stick around. You do re evaluate your life. I have made a point of doing everything that I didnt do to please my ex. The worst aspect is not the personal rejection but seeing the distress of my children when the ex disappoints them and realising that the selfishness of one parent has left them
feeling insecure.
J
Comment
Hi Apm
Yep I had all these same doubts and feelings of regret and taking other half for granted etc. I have found this whole experience really life changing it forces you to re-evaluate your life and put loads of the stuff you have been doing and accepting into perspective. Its bloody scary and upsetting, but am thinking that I shall certainly come out the other end a more sympathetic and a more tolerant person.
Don't forget it always takes two to upset a relationship and don't be too hard on yourself, it also takes two to work at it.
And, hey take up a sport get out there, get fit and you too could turn into a gorgeous hunk, I'm drooling already! ;D
F