Writing today as feeling in the doldrums - wearily I look at the year ahead and can't see it being any different from the last two years and I'm afflicted with a terrible missing of the ex suddenly. Rather sadly I look him up on google, just to be close I think. One New Year's resolution is to stop doing this...pain shopping I think it's called. I suppose I am lonely, yes that's it. It's been nice over Xmas to have my daughters home, now they have returned to their full uni lives. I know I am too dependant on them, I try to be cool - tell them about my flirtations at dance. They like to hear about me taking 'moving on' actions as they know their Dad is happily settled with the OW (well as settled as he can be). They have compassion fatigue - I have to restrain my bitchy complaining comments. This does help and we do talk about interesting things. Now for me it's grey again - work, clearing the house, no money - the opposite of eat, pray, love which is what I would like to be doing. I suppose this is a bit of empty nest syndrome stirred in with divorce plus feeling past my sell by date. Recently Polar wrote about seeking direction and I really agree with this theory. I have enjoyed the focus of family life, not the ex quite so much when he was on a bender, the house, the part-time job. Now at 50+, the world and myself expect some kind of reinvention. Yes I want to be that Phoenix but I'm afraid I'm still mostly down in the ashes. I just can't get excited about the next stage of life but dear wikis, new and old, what you are reading about here is a trip down the roller coaster. It helps me to get it out on paper but I can tell you that an up will come again. I felt positively happy at Xmas and didn't expect this low to come in. My ex calls me a fantasist (see Eliza's info on defence systems) - if only, I think I am a reluctant realist. I am reluctant to put the house on the market - it's change and that's quite frightening. I've never made a big financial decision in my life before. The 'fantasist' part of me could be led astray in buying a property. I worry. It's hard having to do something you really don't want to do. The house has been my brick father through this divorce period - sturdy and safe, a refuge. Still, I have at least been able to stay here for two years with the girls, dog and cats. I will try to see the move as an adventure.
And it will be all yours! Your choice, your decor; your space; your refuge. I loved my old home. It broke my heart to lose it and I would have fought tooth and nail to keep my home, but my daughter talked me out of it. Too many memories she said, and she was right. My new home is a completely ex-free zone.
It's hard to leave when it's where you reared your children but they're grown and flown, so now is the best time for you. It's hard work and emotional packing your life away in cartons, but after the first few weeks when it feels 'odd' you will realise that you will flourish there. You won't be living in the shadow of events which led to you having to move. You will be free of all that. You will make new friends and create new memories and life will be good again, you'll see.
I remember reading about your move Shoegirl when I first joined wiki. Thank you for both your honesty (about how tough it was ) and your positivity re the long term gain. I know deep down that it will bring change and get me out of a rut. Am I up to the challenge is another question but I guess I will find out. The idea of a different decor is certainly appealing.
I sold the FMH 18 months ago. It was my choice (although I would have had to change jobs to stay there) and I moved to another part of the country. Lord knows what it's like for others who didn't get the same choices whether to stay or go. Heartfelt sympathy for all those in that position.
I'm not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I love that house. I'd done it up and everything was as I wanted it. It was my safe place during my divorce and it was the place I healed. I fought to keep that house. I wrote a blog about it at the time.
Small comforts were found during that horrendous process of selling up and moving on. Sold to a lovely couple. Really lovely people actually and I felt my beautiful home was in good hands.
I moved to a place that needed work. Lots of it. My heart sank as I walked into a manky old kitchen, horrible decor and all that. It broke my heart and spirit for a little while as my old house represented stability and I felt I'd lost it. I moved area too so everything was unfamiliar and I felt very lost. Took me months literally to get back on an even keel.
So I thought I'd share how I feel about it 18 months on. My new place is done up. I poured my heart into doing the place up. Lots of saving, lots of hard work and the house is how I want it. I designed the new layout, survived the building works, managed the builders and various contractors and it is now better than my old house. People were kind. I asked around and got recommendations for people to do the work and it made all the difference. Literally amazing people rallied round and turned my worn out house into a place that I'm proud of.
Moving house was without doubt the right thing although beyond painful. A fresh start, a place that doesn't have the history. Breaking that last link has meant I don't have a constant reminder of what we shared. I found the process of moving initially painful but ultimately liberating. I can say hand on heart I think about him and what happened much less since moving. Not having the reminder of the house worked for me.
Like Pixy even though company business often takes me within a few miles of my old place, I can't go past it. I don't want to see the house as it is now. I want to remember it as it was. I'm the same about my old university for example. Even though I go to the city often, I want to remember those times as they were back then. So it's not particularly a divorce thing, it's choice I guess about not revisiting the past.
I'd say for me it was short term pain for long term gain.
Thank you for your replies. It's true Afon that the contrast of early Jan to Xmas has been a little bit overwhelming this year. Rocksteady, your response is very appealing. I travelled a lot before the girls and marriage and I am very tempted to go away for 3 months (after I have found a new home). This reward could get me through the moving process. Good to hear that you and Pixy felt better after literally moving on.
Actually the tip I'd give about buying aplace is to keep an open mind and think hard about what you want/need. I started out wanting to flee to a different part of the country for a new start. I came to realise that leaving friends and family was daft. I was then fixated on getting a house and was deeply upset when the London bubble meant that what I wanted was increasingly out of reach. I would never have thought either of the area or the type of property I actually bought - yet both are fine and much better for me than the properties I initially looked at.
So take care, if you are anything like me, you are right to worry about being a fantasist!
It's a tough road it's true. I moved out the FMH last May and this time last year bit the bullet and put the old place on the market. With each step I found a new release. There's a growing confidence comes
From taking control. Take the help you can find from friends and family if they are around to help you move. Also, showing yourself and the world that you are capable of doing the unexpected. Go travelling, do it on a budget if you have to. Take the time to find out what you want to do next.. I ended up changing my work situation at the same time as I moved. Change it all if you want. Life is better shared we all know that but take the time you need to be alone first. I got 'involved' too early and got into some scrapes. The universe is with you so trust in life, get rid / cast out the stuff you don't need. This includes our ex because they have moved on therefore we have every right to do the same. Strong as an Ox. Well done re Xmas .. You deserve an Oscar !
Sending hugs & hoping the rollercoaster dip is is short one. I know what you mean about compassion fatigue - I still make bitchy comments about my ex to friends & family but try to balance it with more lighthearted or interesting stuff too lest they write me off as a bitter old bore! . Only the ex partners of cheats understand how long and deep this grief is xx
Oh Stemginger,How I feel for you((((())))
There are so many things in the mix here,although the biggest is your new direction.
I don't know about you,but I always feel an anti-climax after Xmas,was that it !! All that worry and it's over
Your girls were home,and I know you would have shared much laughter,now they have returned to Uni,so the house is quiet again.
You are entitled to feel this way,but it will only be short term....
There are many things to look forwards too,and yes I know that at our age we get afraid.I suppose the saying "The arrogance of youth" could possibly translate into"The fear of the fifties",but we have nothing to fear,only ourselves,we are capable of anything,and a similar convo in chat ran along the lines of we can do it,our age lets us...
My age lets my mouth say what it wants!!!It don't need to hear anyone's bullcrap,so it retaliates...lol
The world evolves daily,and we must evolve with it,if we don't we stagnate.Yes we are afraid of change,but change we must,we have to take that step out of our comfort zone,and it is frightening I know.
Stem,your using up one of those bulkbuy tickets for the roller coaster,the ones you keep "just in case" and that's okay,it's good to have a chat with the friends you met on that coaster,they know how you feel.
Stay strong hun,this too shall pass...
That's nice to know that you are happy in your new place Pixy. You make me smile about buying a new set of wheels. Identify the car you like/ need and then haggle for it over the phone as it works better this way in my experience. Funnily enough the local estate agents are offering me better deals without me doing a thing. Passivity seems to be helping in this scenario. Going to the dump today as this has to rate amongst one of my top coping strategies:)
Well I have my new property and am very happy with it. Yet strangely I can't go past my old house. The new owners are doing the 'wrong' things with it and it upsets me. All part of unfinished business in my head.
But buying a new place was not nearly as daunting as trying to buy a new car. This terrifies me, maybe because I know I am crap at haggling, maybe because it's a huge amount of money for a depreciating asset. At least with a house/ flat you don't need to be an expert to have a good idea about value and what you need, whereas cars and engines are a total mystery to me.