Having a strange time with myself.
working really hard but getting so much enjoyment in being part of the gang at work..seem to have become a human being again, stopped making to do lists and am now just having a laugh with the girls.
I've never really been one of the gang, through my own fault..forgot about being a person I just became a mother and wife. I wonder if that's really what went wrong with the marriage, met the tasks forgot to have any fun.
But now I know it's too late.
Was driving to work this morning and thought will I ever settle down again, started daydreaming about happy endings and things then realised how on earth could I ever form another relationship when I have to dash home every evening and be a mother, how on earth does one do it?.
Got home this evening and eldest was sitting on her own starving to death..X2B has both girls at my home for half term, but as youngest was out with a mate all day he decided to help himself to all the pictures on the walls, some pots and pans and some mugs..I have not yet ventured up stairs, perhaps he took the bed..who knows..but you know I don't care...but he left the house at 1pm and failed to feed my baby...she told me off for organising such awful child care..so I asked her to take the matter up with her father..because I can only do my best...and if her father cannot do for her then no-one can.
New tact..be honest..not cruel..just honest...time for protection is over. I have done no wrong, so why do I get all of the blame.
X2B has informed me that he has pulled out of the joint account..before I could tell him that I was going to..damn..now left with the overdraft...only thing is he simply cannot give me the debit card yet..of course not..he still needs some money til pay day so dribbles bits and pieces out, so that I won't notice.
Anyway he's going Christmas shopping this weekend with his whole salary and my spending money goes into the account to cover the overdraft.
But hey I just do not care...better he's out so I can sort it..because that's my lifes destiny sort the sh*t dealt and move on to sort more sh*t out. The bank statements show it all and one day I'll use them as a bargaining tool or to quantify my motives for seeming unrealistic in any future divorce.
The matter of the need for a quickie divorce seems to have fallen by the wayside, strange that...but I feel that there is no other woman, well why does he need pots and pans and mugs...
Having said that..I probably would feel better if he had left me for another woman rather than not....I mean how bad is that I get a "I don't want you anymore"..like a pair of old shoes that you never really wore.
Oh just found out his mobile phone broke so now he has taken my youngests mobile, a birthday present last year and his constant contact point with her...how low...what is wrong with him...why not go without until the weekend and get a new one......must be very desperate..what is going on with him?...he does worry me..he hit 40 then off he went...literally, but he left the charger behind..so tonight that is being hidden.
I sat and succumbed to realising that I take after my mother and felt that there is really nothing wrong with that..then realised that there is so much wrong with that. (an alcoholic housebound widow) but God I love her!!.
Too many lessons learn't there...nope I will overcome.
I am strangely amused at what has become of me.
Well you have to laugh or you end up crying.
Bring it on I say, cos I know it's coming, better sooner rather than later.