Last few day's feelings: Definitely not coping
I've not been on here for a while. That's because I couldn't face it. I've used up far too much energy trying to appear normal to the rest of the world, particularly my daughter, when in fact I am dying. I think I'm putting myself through some sort of self induced torture to try and get all the emotion out in one go. However, I didn't realise just how intense those emotions would be.
The weekend was bad, the worst couple of days in my life, without wishing to appear too dramatic. It was a series of little things that built up and up to a big explosion of emotion. To be honest I can't even remember what they all were now.
One thing that has stuck in my mind is that on Saturday X2B's boyfriend (J) parked his car directly outside our house all day. He lives round the corner and there is ample parking outside his house, he's never parked outside our house before so why this time? Don't ask me why but this silly little thing really got to me.
Then, she went to "work" Saturday afternoon, just so happens that his car moved immediately after she left and returned immediately after she did. Why is this an issue? Well, I've asked her for truth and honesty about when she sees J and she has promised me she would. After 11 years I though I was owed that much. But, even when I gave her ample chance to do so, she said nothing.
Saturday night she was out with J on a date. This was agreed between us and I'm OK with it. Problem is, on Sunday morning my sixth sense told me that something had changed.
I have this "gift", apparently, which allows me to know what people are actually thinking irrespective of what they are saying. It hasn't worked with X2B for some time but started working again about a week ago. It was telling me that she wasn't being truthful or completely honest with me and that hurts.
Then Sunday morning it goes into overdrive and basically, it's telling me that they have either slept with each other or will do so before we physically split up and move into separate apartments. This was after she had promised me that she had not and would not do that "out of respect for me".
So, all through Sunday I was getting more and more depressed, feeling more and more like my life was over and the person I thought cared about me didn't actually give a sh!t.
So, late afternoon, I went for a drive. And I've got a tip for everyone here, if you are feeling even slightly unhappy don't listen to "Throwing it all away" by Genesis (why would you want to listen to "Genesis" anyway, I hear you ask? Well, I told you I was feeling depressed!!!). It really isn't the song or lyrics you want to hear when in this situation.
So, I'm driving for two hours listening to the same song over and over again, this is the self torture bit, and then she sends me a text asking if I'm "OK". That was it, that was the trigger for the biggest and most powerful tidal wave of emotion that I have ever experienced in my life.
I hadn't actually cried properly throughout all this before. There had been a LOT of tears, but never real sobbing type crying. After I read that text, I had to stop the car because I couldn't see for the tears.
I answered it, and told her that I was dying and that I was still in love with her and would be until I died. That I had thought we were "soul mates" and that we were destined to grow old and die together. That I couldn't see how "time would make it easier" when 50% of the reason for me existing on the planet was leaving. But that I knew that it was over and that I just had to deal with it.
And then I told her about the sixth sense issue. She again promised me that she had not and would not sleep with J until we were physically separated but for the first time in this situation, I found myself not believing her. I still don't. I might just be able to accept that they haven't yet but something about the way she was after Saturday night tells me they will, even if she doesn't realise it yet.
Why is this such a problem for me when I know that they are a couple? Well, again, it's the truth and honesty issue. All I want is the truth. I can accept anything if it is truthful. If she hides stuff from me (which I know she is doing) then it's like she's treating me like an idiot, like I don't matter and she can do what she likes, like she doesn't really care at all.
That hurts more than knowing the truth.
We talked for a bit when I got back home and I found myself being angry for the first time. She told me that she did care, that they hadn't slept together, that she was being truthful apart from when she felt the truth would hurt me too much. I told her that I wanted the truth no matter what and why I did. I still don't think that she can do it. I still know she hides stuff. She thinks shes protecting me but she's only hurting me more by not telling. She did finally tell me that she is in love with J, that it isn't just a transitional boyfriend thing. That didn't tear me apart, to be honest, I'd known it for some time. The fact that she told me released some pressure for me because she had been honest.
In the end I said that in actual fact it is none of my business and she is free to do what she likes, when she likes and with whomever she likes. I even told her to sleep with J because I think that is a significant source of friction between her and me. She again told me she wouldn't.
I just don't believe her.
So here we are, a few days and a few gallons of tears later and I'm emotionally drained. If it wasn't for our daughter I think I would actually run away and go drive aid convoys into Iraq like I've always dreamt of doing. And that's only half a joke. I would love to drive for an aid convoy, just not sure about the getting blown to bits bit of the gig. Although, if I'm honest, there are times at the moment when that appeals.
Thank God for our daughter. I think I'm only still sane and almost nearly holding it together because of her.
X2B repeated several times over the weekend that she wants us to be friends after we split. I had thought that this was inevitable because of how much I care for her. Now I believe it is impossible. I just can't do it. So I think it will be communication only if necessary about our daughter. Obviously we will have to see each other when I have her for visits and sleepovers etc. because she needs to see mummy and daddy as "normal" as possible whenever we're with her.
But other than that, I think I'm going to keep my distance. I have to, for my own sanity.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life in love with someone who doesn't love me. That's no big deal, I mean, millions of people do it so why should I be anything special?
Who amI trying to kid..........?