I've been doing a lot of soul searching this week. Thinking about something I read and also shoe girls advice in my last blog. I have had two horrible dates over the last couple of weeks, I say horrible they were actually very sweet guys, but just not what I was looking for and had to do that awful and embarrassing thing of telling them, there was no spark. Then spending the next couple of days feeling very low and lonely. I had arranged another for tomorrow but after making the arrangements my little inner voice started screaming at me! What on earth are you doing?? Why are you making dates with guys you know are not right for you? And why are you even making any dates when a few months ago you said you weren't going to as you have a course to complete and a house to decorate on top of all the other things your doing? The blog I read was all about trusting your gut feeling, the one little niggling voice you push away with your head saying things like, well you just don't know what they are like until you meet them, they maybe lovely and you've got to give people a chance! My inner voice has telling me for a long time now that it's time I stood on my own two feet, never rely on a man to save you emotionally and financially again, because it can all go wrong so quickly and then where will I be. Something I admire in people and am drawn to is a passion for there career, people that have interesting jobs, jobs that then enable them to travel or do interesting things. It's not the money it's the fact that these people are living such amazing lives, there is such an incredible world out there filled with fantastic and interesting people and I want to experience that too and I'm never going to get that if I sit in a dull pub with an even duller man! So I deleted my profile on POF and have deceided to take a break from dating and concentrate on making the life that I want. It actually felt quite liberating ! Trusting my inner voice though is something I'm going to work on much more maybe if I had done this a couple of years back I would have listened when the little voice inside my head was saying' why does he never leave his phone out anymore, even to charge at night? Why is he spending so much time at the pub when the friends he goes with come home much earlier than him? Why is he soooo stressed and angry at me all the time? My inner voice is actually quite smart!!
An interesting read...
Dating is a mine field it seems... I must be a lucky boy.
Finding ones self is quite something. When we first seperate from someone we met young, grew with into adiulthood, parenthood, home owners etc etc you are understandably lost.
I know I was... i broke down in many ways. Mentally especially. However.... time heals they said... and it did. Learning to love yourself and to enjoy your own company (without loosing contact with those you love and cherish - friends and family re vital) is a big step. We all take differant routes and mine was very unexpected. A backpacking trip with a new GF to asia opened my eyes to my feelings and worth whilst putting an end to that relationship when the inner voice finally spoke up. A year later a trip totally alone on the spur of the moment, without planning for a route or accomodation took place. 4 weeks with a small rucksack crossing paths with many others doing the same - mostly a lot younger than me tho lol. It was on a hill top on the Burmese border with Thailand after an hours climb i sat looking at the sun rise and thought for the first time in ages.... life is good! I started to realise life is what we make it. I was not going to be a victim any longer... Our recovery relies on ourselves taking responsibility and finding that inner voice and strength and realising they are the most important thing we have. I do believe it is there within us all and hopefully we will all find it and climb that hill.
Life is tough and painful after seperation. We are all differant. Listen to the inner voice and pull that inner strength up to the fore. Onwards and upwards.
Nicwin I've been there too, and my experience matches yours. The longer I am single though the less I think I could let another man into my life, more so because my new mate criteria is particularly strict - I simply can't see myself falling for a man who is shorter than me, is physically unattractive, is outside my age range specification and certainly not one who isn't bright enough or socially compatible. And on top of that I keep meeting random wise women, who without knowing jack about me, or me asking for their opinion, suddenly advise me that I must find myself first. And there is an age old Wiccan saying that resonates in accord, that if what you seek you seek not within, you will never find it. Mayhap if you one day see in the street a gawky lanky woman walking hand in hand with a short fat hairy rough type with a blissful smile on her face, you'll know the universe is having another laugh at my expense but that I don't mind one little bit.
And that is my current take on this whole thing; I've reached the point in my post break up where I've found a sturdy foot hold and am beginning to haul myself out of the mire, look about and realise I'm free to follow wherever my inclination leads me, and as I'm not an adventurous type, modest outings are quite sufficient. But now I'm off to Eliza's Fear blog to muse there awhile with all of the comments here rippling out.
I find this really intriguing, the idea of being comfortable with being alone. It seems as worthy as accepting your own mortality, or being OK with ageing and not desperately trying to fight the physical changes with surgery. It occurred to me that Buddhists are onto this, with their meditation practice and retreats, learning to be at peace without needing company and reassurance. it's not really a popular idea or a very marketable one is it?!
Yet we are biologically driven to seek attachments to others, and it makes evolutionary sense that the anguish of grief or a broken heart propels you to find another partner/ /- protector to soothe that awful ache and loneliness (and increase your chance of survival and reproduction). But not needing to do that would be even more empowering.
Not listening to my inner voice or gut instinct was the single most important factor in me marrying the wrong man and staying with him. I switched off those nagging doubts for years or drowned them out in busyness.
Dealing with the fear of being alone has been the biggest thing that I have changed in my life post divorce. Relationships are about want not need. I don't believe that relationships can really be ultimately successful unless the two people in it are there for the right reasons. Part of that can't be fear of being alone.
When you are independent and happy, truly happy on your own, life works very differently. That awful soul destroying pressure is absent. Life becomes very peaceful. I can not explain how liberating it is to live a life without fear of being alone. If we are truthful with ourselves, how many relationships are started because of fear of being alone? How many people are internet dating now for precisely that reason when you strip it all back to the root of things? I personally don't feel that is a great basis for a relationship.
Deal with the fear and you will start to see a very different world out there with emotionally available people within it. Life works very differently. You'll notice that people who start new relationships and declare themselves happy are congratulated. People who declare that they have found happiness as a single person are not, it's not considered the same thing. I just laugh at how prevalent this fear of being alone really is now these days.
Stick to your guns. Find happiness within and the rest will follow. Anything other than that is a temporary fix.
hi joined pof and match.com about 2 months ago at first went for a few coffees in first couple of weeks but as you say no spark too contrived . still on them been having a few conversations recently and may meet one or two, if time and circumstances allow. im not pinning any hopes on it or disregarding internet dating just not taking it too seriously and what will be will be .if I end up alone well at least I,ll be with someone I like :)x
Nicwin, I understand why you have been trying to meet someone new as relationships are great when they work and perhaps you have a desire to balance things out with your ex too. My ex began a new relationship 3 months after we broke up and 15 months on he is blissfully happy. I would like some of that too and he certainly wasn't ready at all. My fear is that I will keep on telling myself that I will never be ready and so time will go by so I do understand why you have been having a go. I feel as if I am beginning to fossilise as a singleton so thinking along those lines I wonder if you could find a more moderate route. Perhaps you went on too many dates close together. Could you just meet up with one new person a month...you know keep the door open, keep practising but manage it. You can then prioritise on building up your own life, becoming the person you want to date which is all great advice from other wikis.
have to agree with jjones, I really don't care anymore, and could I actually share my life ? at the moment that's no. if it happens in the future, naturally, then maybe, but not now, having `me` time xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Nicwin - I take my hat off to you. I cannot imagine ever dating again, or wanting to be in a twosome. Maybe it will come but for now my fingers are burnt and in any case I look and feel like the back of a bus and have nothing to offer anyone. But I do admire people who get back in the saddle so to speak, and risk their hearts again.
And then to have the ear open to the voice, well, good for you. You have now proved to yourself that you are desirable, can get a date, but don't need one and have other fish to fry for the time being.
It was Charlie Sheen who apparently said 'the best way not to get your heart broken is to pretend you don't have one'. Well, what on earth does he know and why does anyone care what he thinks about it? It's not heartless to devote yourself to yourself for a while, work out what you really want, what went wrong last time etc.
I did the being in a relationship thing, worrying about the other and not myself, and look where it got me. I suspect it is the same for you and a lot of us.
From the beginning when I came on here, people told me to look after number one. I honestly didn't know what they meant or how to begin to do it. I am feeling my way after years and years of being wife and mother, and generally codependent. Time to get to know me. I think it's the same for you. Like you said, your inner voice is quite smart. Give it some airtime. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing. Our inner voices can be funny things. On one hand, it might be communicating (without explicitly saying) that either the person who we're having a date with isn't right, or we're not quite in the right situation - it's impossible to say which is which, so it's important to be gentle with yourself.
For what it's worth, I recently went out on a date which felt like, 'this is pretty tough... and my date is very nice... but I'm just not feeling "it"' (whatever that "it" really is).
An interesting bit of advice (and a thought) that I had was that if you concentrate on yourself, then the dates actually find you - because people can straight away see that you're interesting, attractive and alive. Another thought that has stuck with me is the phrase: 'become the person you want to date'. I thought that was a brilliant way of looking at it.