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Suicide

T Updated
OK reading one persons mentioning on suicide, I can tell anyone who has that frame of mind it isn't worth it. Please believe me it ISNT, from a very, very, personal part of my life it isn't worth it. Below I have put in an extract from my life story that Im writing when Ill finish, if Ill finish, I have no idea. The brief of the story is, my father was murdered while I was the young age of ten and I was standing beside him when he was killed. I had gone through so many things in life after that, that at one stage I too reached the "had enough". Had I done so then how would this life I have now ever come to being, my life back then was a pure *astard and apart from going through 3 wars, even to this divorce is life is a doddle. What you go through in the end makes you with care and loving who you are after a much better person.

The extract story

I can remember I walked up the hill a bit and followed the wall along to the graveyard along the path I had walked so many times to school, stopping at the part where I could see my dads grave, I jumped over the wall and sat down at what was now just a flat bit of ground and a small cutting where I had planted flowers that would grow every year, I sat for a while and said nothing, then I started sobbing as I started to apologize to my dad for him being dead and letting him know of the guilt I was carrying.

A long time ago I was playing in the bedroom and being very noisy at bed time and he was trying to sleep as he was up early, he came in and had hit me which hurt so much, it was the first time I ever remember him hitting me, and I was hurting, I remember saying I wish he was dead, I really wish he was dead and I was crying with the pain he had caused.

I just sat at the grave crying my heart out telling him I was so sorry for him being killed, I didn't really want him to die, my chest was hurting so much through the sobs, dad please dad, I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I don't want you dead please dad, I hadn't seen the priest come and stand beside me and he reached down touching my shoulders.

I remember looking up at him not being able to make his face out because of all the tears, he made me stand up and then asked me my name, I told him, and told him that this was my dad he said yes I know, I was confused how he knew, then he said I listened to you for just a few moments, and I have to tell you that I'm sure your father has heard you and has forgiven you, you don't have to carry this guilt you know even the lord our god has forgiven you he opened part of his robe and took out his small container of wine and bread, he asked that I took the sacrament and speak of my hurts for absolution, after I had finished he gave me a drop of the wine in a small thimble like container and a wafer of bread asking god to forgive me my sins.

All this had taken about 20 minutes by then I had calmed down and was no longer crying. He left ruffling my hair and told me to go home I walked back down the hill and came out by the guns again.

I sat with my back against the beheading stone and looked out over the town and river but my sadness hadn't gone it was still there and with each passing moment I felt even worse, perhaps even the spirits of those who had had their life cut short were feeling the pain I was in with me, my body resting where their blood was split. I remember getting up and walking over the to cliff edge looking down at the rocks a long way below, my toes were over the edge and I was swaying on my heels, I wanted to throw myself off and not have another care in the world, I kept saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I heard a child shouting out below, she was crying as she had hurt herself on the rocks.

I looked round me and something kicked my mind back to what I was doing, I paused and just sat down with my legs over the edge of the cliff shaking and thought of my brothers, sister and mum, and again my eyes were wet I got up and sat between the cannons and cried till I was no longer able to, I must of fallen asleep as when I woke up some girls were laughing at me.

I got up and the day had gone by without me, making my way to the river bank I found my favorite spot and it must have been luck or a miracle but within 10 minutes I had caught five salmon and three trout, and feeling more than pleased with myself I made my way back home along the rail track, passing a farm on the way home I stopped and swapped a large salmon for some vegetables and flour and a loaf making my way home with a bounty of food, I walked in the house and they were just eating before going to bed and had a little extra with my bringing the bread home.

I was smiling and felt so good at being here I gave my mum kiss and the rest a hug, she looked at me and said "oh " "and what are you so happy about" I laughed and said it was a long story and maybe Ill tell her one day. One day! Maybe one day. But have to admit even to this day I could never tell my mum of my wish and I will carry it with me all the time she has a little bit of Romany gypsy in her and her ways would not allow for that kind of thinking, I love her and my brothers and sister, day by day Ill write all my story and when anyone reads it I hope that they to can experience all the times and places I had been.

End of extract

Suicide as we all know is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and problems are meant to keep us on our toes, there is not an issue that is larger than life, there is not a MAN, WOMAN or SITUATION that is worth taking your life over and if that is the effect that someone has on you whether you are with them or not, you do not need them in your life to begin with. When a person takes their own life they not only damage their physical body, but they damage their soul as well. It is believed in some cases they may even become earthbound doomed to repeat the final hours that led up to their self inflicted death over and over again until someone releases their spirit and shows them the way into the light, or as I prefer to think of it across the bridge into the dreamland, the price is simply not worth it, you are better off biting the lip and taking the path that life has to offer, playing the hand that you were dealt, with the best of your ability, over time with smiling you make your self a better person. We wont all reach the comfort we would dream of, but inside we can feel our best.

Anyone, wishing to read more of my life's story just PM mewith email addy :-)

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4 comments
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my best friend committed suicide at the age of 24, while smoking in bed.Nothing can prepare you for the shock.I have lived with the guilt that i could have done something to stop her for 20 years, if only we realised how low she was and how desperate.I myself have had traumatic times and almost died myself, though not by suicide. It just isn't worth it, and when people do it they do not realise what they leave behind for their loved ones.Even though I find myself dispairing at times since my split, no one is worth ending your life early for. If You can imagine how it feels to have almost died (which I have twice)you will appreciate how precious every day is, even if it may have problems.
T
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I echo moonstar on this one.No one wants to admit that they need chemical help to function on a day to day basis but it can be a very valuable temporary aid.I have a wonderfulGP who is both knowledgeable and sympathetic.He has helped me through the worst times and for that I will be enternally grateful.
Max's words are from the heart and we can only admire and respect him.He's right- problems are temporary but suicide is permanent and causes ripples in others' lives.Life is precious and we only have one.
H
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well you had me in tears max,you tell your life so well,i dont no what else to say,i would love to read more,x
R
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I have enjoyed reading an extract from your personal life story.........thank you and I would love to read some more!

I have ben on the suicide train of thought as I suspect many of us have, luckily I took myself off to the docs and poured out my heart. Having never felt so low I thought ending it all was the only way out. I know different now. Your first sentence of your last paragraph is very true and meaninful and only realised when you have got as low as a person can go.

Keep smiling and listening to your heart and soul, happiness is around every corner we just have to grasp it xx
M