I've noticed one of the things I now do that I didn't before splitting with my ex is try to predict the future. I don't have a crystal ball but I'm constantly thinking about the people in my life and issues that are current or may come up in the future and how I will handle them and people's reactions when I do. They will say this and then I will say that and then this will happen and then it will all end in tears. Some of the scenarios are looming issues such as my case with CMS and then Christmas. Others are long term such as my future happiness, issues with children, long term goals in life. I never seem to think positive about the outcome though, they are always problems that will end badly and it's causing me such anxiety, churning stomach and lack of sleep because I think someone is going to react in such a way that will cause me heartache and it could be over something that may or may not happen in years to come. I think when you have such a huge shock like when my ex told me he'd had an affair. It causes such a trauma on your life you can't bare the thought of anything bad happening again so you try to avoid such a horrendous pain. Someone described divorce as like a bomb going off in their lives, and I think that is a very accurate way of describing it. Maybe I have Post traumatic stress. Some people I guess hide away from life to try and pretect themselves from such pain but I don't want to lead a lonely life. I know I can't second guess other people and when I try I'm usually wrong i just wish I could stop being so negative.
I agree with all the comments above and it is certainly something that we do. But my daughter in law recently said to me 'you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. That changed my entire outlook. I have stopped feeling guilty for his situation - or hoping that he will realise that it is all of his own making. I am just putting him out of my immediate sphere and getting on with my busy life. I have just shared this quote which came though on my FB feed...
"No amount of regret changes the past, no amount of anxiety changes the future, any amount of gratitude can changes the present" . Hope things get better for you soon.
The advice that time will heal is not wrong! It wouldn't be normal if you just moved on without reflecting on events which changed your life for ever. Take advice from wikis who have been where you are and realise that in time the events which caused your world and all that was dear to you to fall into a black hole will diminish.
Playing out all scenarios in your mind is normal I think. I know I did! Rehearsing what I would say if... how I would react if.... Be reassured that in time that will stop. You will rediscover the person you used to be before these events. You've had a massive shock and your mind and body are working hard together to help you heal.
Have you seen a counsellor? Just talking things through with a non-judgemental person helped me to let go. We have to work on not allowing this one individual to define who we are now and how we will live the rest of our lives. Divert all the love you gave to him back to yourself now and if you truly think you may be suffering from PTSD do please talk to your GP.
My advice is 'Don't dwell on the past, don't contemplate the future, just try and live in the moment'. I am a year down the line...i have written off this year...i still hurt but i refuse to let some insignificant human being destroy me. I have picked myself up of the floor and so can you.
Be lucky and stay positive. ;)
Hi Sungirl -we all react differently and my way of coping was trying to live in the moment as sometimes I simply could not deal with thinking ahead. I know it is easy to say but I think that the more positive you can be the more positive outcomes you will have. I have tried to train myself not to listen to negative thoughts and also realising that I am in charge of my own responses and reactions and that is a total waste of time and energy trying to second guess how others may think/react has given me the feeling of having more control over my own life. I have learnt to take more control of myself and my feelings and I suppose part of that has been learning to value my own feelings more and taking the good advice often found on here of 'being your own best friend'. It is good that you recognise that you don't want to 'hide from life'