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Teen daughter & Court Orders

H Updated
Hi. 

I wrote on the forum asking about my teenage daughter not wanting to come back home. 

I am wondering what to do as I spoke to her father to have her come visit me this weekend and the conversation didn't go too well. I mentioned the Court Order and he's told me there's nothing I can do as she wishes to live with him and according to him, I'm a bad mother and it's my fault. 
I haven't spoken to my DD as he says she's busy and  he'll get her to ring me but she just doesn't. 

I really miss her; she's always been a really loving child. 

I wonder if anyone else has had this. 

x

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Oh dear. Quite a few nasty adults around- using children as pawns. I wonder how this sort of thing will effect the children in the future? Fingers crossed.

Good luck to all with sorting out the mess.
I
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Dearest Friends,

Thank you for your messages.
I shall call you friends as it seems that our dreadful circumstances have brought us together. I feel as if we are sitting in that tiny boat in icy weather waiting and watching for titanic to sink.

I read the above and it made me weep, really really weep. Yes he's worked his magic, yes he did say that he ll teach me a lesson, yes he did say all sorts to DD and in Courts but Courts determined contact for both parents, more in my care but now she's gone. She won't speak to me, answer my texts. Last conversation I had with her, she was quiet and seemed withdrawn unusual for her as she is so chirpy, a ray of sunshine after cold drizzly rain.

I can't hug her, I can't ask her how her day was, I can't take her shopping (with little money I do have), I can't help her with her homework or watch her talk about things, I can't cook her her favourite meal or snack. I go shopping and I see mothers and their kids and I fight back the tears - kids who are tiny, kids who are toddlers, kids off to school, teenagers.....I can't do anything for her.
I feel as if my ex has aborted my child from me. Taken her as a possession - he took everything from me and I let him have it, now, the most precious things, this being I want to protect, love, nuture has been taken away from me too now. And looking at the posts that they publish on social media which my family members had shown me, it seems there is no place for me. I ve been eradicated.

I wonder if my sweet child will ever return or will see me? Will I able to recognise her? How will she be? What will she like? What will we talk about?
I guess for her, time continues but she's forgotten for us, time stands still in some ways - frozen.

It seems this is the final dig of the stake through my already broken heart.

So, my message to my ex if he on here is - it's ok, it's fine, you carry on hurting me, keep going because I can take it....because I am strong and you are pathetic.

x
H
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sending you a massive hug.

been there done that.my ex has done the same thing to me so I feel your pain. He first went to court after my 11 year old son and my daughter remained with me.however he worked on her and she went to stay with him and very rarely comes to see me.

often it is your exs wait of controlling you by using the most precious thing in the world your children.

I have begged her to come back but she refuses to see me a nd when she does come she is very abusive.
my only advice is to keep in touch with her if you can and always remember this is not about you being a good enough mum,just your exs way of hurting you.

xxxxxx
M3
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Very sad to read your story.

I have something similar. Haven't seen either of my now young adult daughters for 2 years. Just been banned from contacting the younger one completely. I wonder what on Earth my ex has said or done to cause her repeated threat of "I'll make sure you never see the girls again if we divorce" come true. Ex doesn't have anything to do with her father and claimed she banned her first husband from contacting her first child- my stepdaughter.

Could be worse. They might be dead and I wouldn't hear about it for years or ever. Ex claimed a bereavement recently and it too about 3 weeks to get her to confirm that both daughters are alive and well.

Some nasty people about.

Take care- and lots of luck with one day re-establishing contact.
I
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Yes. You are not alone. There are quite a few of us with similar experience. I don't know you but I suspect you are not a bad mother and it is not all your fault.

My younger daughter went to live with her dad, though she had had virtually no contact with him since he left us a year or two before that. It seemed to me like the final betrayal, since he has turned out to be unequivocally the baddie of the piece (not that I am a perfect saint but he is the one who lied cheated stole and disappeared without warning etc and has ignored the children ever since). It has taken me a long long time to even start to think that this does NOT make me a bad mother. Or that it is all my fault. Or that I have to make everything better for everyone. So I know how hard it can be.

This particular child (of my three) was also always the most remarkably loving, with a sunny disposition and absolutely no side to her. These days she is very angry with everyone about everything, very armoured and militant. Maybe this would have happened anyway but it is largely because of her home life; our bad marriage and bad divorce. She now has virtually nothing to do with me or her siblings. She is civil but largely ignores us and never initiates contact. As far as I can tell she is usually home alone; her dad is always travelling 'on business' so she is left to fend for herself. I find it heartbreaking and I feel desperately sorry for her and indeed for the whole family - it has, like divorce itself, repercussions in the wider family.

I would like nothing more than to hug her and look after her (while of course allowing her to grow up into an independent young adult). I have to admit however that home life for the rest of us is less stressful on a day to day basis since she left taking with her the cloud of fury that enveloped her.

Hang in there.

E