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The Hat-trick

J Updated
The stbx has got what he wanted, or has he? he ended our marriage the beginning of the year, wanted the single life, ok...... his mom passed mid year and now his dad has passed. One of the last things stbx said to me when he left our home was that he didn't want to end up like his dad; how short sighted, his dad loved unconditionally, he had such a difficult time with his wife who was abusive physically and mentally, but this lovely man continued to love her unconditionally. His son left him in A&E to do a music gig, but he understood,what an inspiration this lovely man was..... all this was an inconvenience for this son / husband. Can he get the comfort from his online discreet websites or his "friends" who have their own families and lives ? I feel sorry for him, should I ? He is such a self obsessed individual that wished for these "inconveniences" out of his life, he's got what he wanted, how must he feel? forgetting all the hurt he has caused me, I feel quite sad and sorry for him, perhaps he will realise one day the importance of family and love. I will miss my father in law, the last thing I said to him when I saw him recently in hospital was "I couldn't wish for a better father in law" and he truly was, I will miss him, he was the best. God Bless xxx

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No I don't think your ex will be happy, it's a myth that selfishly pursuing your own interests at the expense of helping others and being there for your family will make you happy. Sounds like he relied on you to do that for him, and lucky for his family it sounds like you were a wonderful daughter in law. My ex seems to have a similar fantasy that being surrounded by adoring women will make him happy, which involves lavishing them with lots of expensive presents. But he doesn't get along with most male colleagues and treated his brother so badly when he was younger that they don't talk. I totally agree with LG about the family - it is a strong predictor of their own future relationships. I also ignored the red flags but never again!
Hi Jane,
So he's now lost three significant people in his life - as you say it's a hat trick and he would have to be made of stone not to feel that loss.

In your heart you know that you did your utmost (and some) to be kind to his parents. Caring for his mother when she needed constant and total care was an act of great courage and kindness and shows what a caring person you are. His lovely Dad must have been so comforted by your visit when he was so sick.

I have continued to 'disobey' my ex and send gifts for birthdays and Christmas to his very elderly parents who were only ever kind to me. So today his mother will get a bouquet of flowers for her 89th. She always writes a lovely letter back with family news but never mentions her son. How sad.

When you're feeling sad be proud that you at least were there for them. xx

Hi Jane

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss,

I have read several times that it is a good indication of a persons true character how they treat their own family. My stbx treats his family as poor relations. His arrogance says I'm so much better than you, I always felt that he was ashamed of them. He's disrespectful, rude, aggressive and inpatient.

In time this is exactly how he treated me, this is how he treated his ex's. This was a red flag I ignored at the start of a our relationship. I'd never ignore it again.

My counsellor believes that my stbx will end up a lonely old man. I don't know about that. I do know that you have a choice in how you behave. He's no exception and nether is your stbx.

Warmest wishes to you.

LG xXx
Jane I echo Angie's words,
Those who have had the pleasure of meeting you and talking to you,know how much you have done...
Luckily your in-laws had a lovely daughter-in-law,and this would have been a great comfort to them,the flip side,their son was not made of the same mould,but that's his problem.Knowing that you have done the very best that you can for people is all any of us can do,ad sometimes that is not enough for some but heyho their loss...

One day your ex will know who had his back for him,
Will you be bothered?
I think not...

Take care
Afon Xxxxx
Hi Jane. . I know how much you did for your in laws and how you supported your stbx by caring for them. Sorry to hear about the passing of your father in law. You must take pride in the fact of what you did and that you maintained your relationship with him.

You are right about the importance of family, especially during times such as these - you really know who is there for you.

Best Wishes x