I imagined before I might gloat, or feel smug, happy, elated and endlessly play songs about what goes around comes around! Instead when I heard the news last night from my daughter that she wanted to tell me something but was dreading it in case of a reaction from me, I was not expecting to hear that Mum and the cause of my divorce were now no longer together. I thought that my girl might be frightened of telling me that she wants to drop out of 6th form college, or that there was a boyfriend or something going on for her. Instead I watched my daughter's lips move and heard the words: "Mum has split with XXXXXX". These words seemed to bounce around my head and then not settle anywhere. Of course I wanted to know more but took my time to ask later. I was told there had been lots of arguments, that he had got very drunk, that Mun tried to kick him out, that he is never in touch with his feelings and that the language of their break up was brutal and very hurtful. My daughter it seems heard all this. "He took Mum's car Dad".. "He took the two dogs that came with him".. and then after a few hours he returned with car and dogs!"Mum is ok Dad, if she is not then she is not showing me that" said my girl. And then, "It's another chapter in my book Dad"! My girl is amazing but then I am extremely bias. So last night on my own when I had returned my girl from our catch up dinner to Mum's new rental and drove home to the ex marital home now on the market, I reflected on all the new information I had been given from the person I love most in the whole world - my 17 yr old brave amazing daughter; "Mum has been paying rents all the time Dad" in all the three rentals Mum has had he never contributed. "Mum tried to help him I think Dad". So, on Monday Mum drove him to the airport and like a film he has supposed to have gone now. I think to be with his kids who are both at Uni in Scotland. Today I feel no elation, just flat, with returned feelings of anxiety. Mainly I just feel very very sad that what almost killed me was all for nothing.
I have read your comments with interest - my stbx (going to first appointment in court next week) - he is in the police - with police pension - he thinks is all his - he walked out 18 months ago to live with OW who he had been having affair with (I had no idea) I, like all of you was totally devastated and traumatised. I saw my solicitor this week and they said my stbx fits the profile of a Narcissist (first time I had heard of this)- look it up on google and also google "Divorcing a Narcissist" can't tell you how much it helps - there it is in black and white - they are horrible people and when you read it you realise there was nothing anyone of us could do when we marry a Narcissist - as this always happen - they can't sustain a relationship, as it's all about them, they want to control you and push your buttons - they want confrontation so don't talk to them, do it all through solicitor - and will do this all again one day to the OW (if she doesn't do it first) and so on........
It has made me stronger for the court date and to push for a fair financial outcome. We are well rid of them.....!
hi same thing happened to me two weeks ago, like you i thought i would feel elated,them splitting after 4 years, like mitchum i did allow myself a little smile but to be honest i also felt what a pointless exercise it has been , so much suffering and pain and all for nothing. My x will be lonely old man and he cut all ties with my side of the family , his daughter refuses to speak to him and he barely sees his son as he just hasn't been there for them.His loss.
People make their own Karma. Your ex certainly has.
Feeling sad about it all being for nothing is probably the right reaction to have. Something important was thrown aside for something that turned out to be nothing but a waste.
Its amazing how time changes our perspectives. Though many would still gloat, I think its better to just shake our heads and walk away. Maybe feel a little pity, but thats all. No joy in their failure, but no sympathy either. There was precious little sympathy for us when they did what they did after all and according to them their lives were full of joy.... So just pity them and walk away.
I heard from a very reliable source that my ex no longer cares about anything and it surprised me to hear that he isn't even bothered about his precious business. He's self employed and was always ambitious in this area of his life. He nurtured and cared for his business far more than he ever did our marriage. Was I happy on hearing this? It's hard to remember that we even shared a life together now, so when I heard it, it was as if I was hearing news about someone I didn't know all that well. His day of reckoning is yet to come still. He needs to feel the devastation of having his heart ripped out of his chest and trampled on. He had a loving wife, a happy child and home and he pissed it all away for the 'thrill of the chase' his words not mine. I may be called heartless and callous by some but I don't have any sympathy for him. He had none for me when he chose to betray me.
Sorry for the rant!
Rock, I agree. It is sad but don't make her problems yours. She made her bed of betrayal and lies and now she will have to deal with whatever comes from it. My sympathy goes out to the children who have to witness the hurting of people they love and the pain they may feel in the process.
My ex split up with the OW. He just went and found another one who will in time prove to be equally as expendable as I was and the OW who followed me and the one after that. You get my drift I'm sure.
Wherever he goes, there he is. It's the same for all of these types. They never find what they are looking for as it is actually about the gap within themselves.
I felt flat when I found out too. No joy from me. But I will admit to singing in the kitchen loudly to a upbeat song whilst he was sat sobbing on my sofa wanting to come home after his whole life with OW went wrong. For once, it was me holding the cards. And in that shining moment where I found the courage and the self respect to send him packing for good, it felt really good.
This latest piece of information, will of course, be a strange pill for you to swallow. But, as the others have said, the answers or truth will never out now, she alone may now have time to reflect on her actions of the past as to why she is where she is today...because she chose to be, that's why. That is what affairs are, choices of the heart, with no consideration to the head and the consequences that will always follow, she has her own demons to contest, my advice just leave her to it.
Just be careful, that she doesn't decide to come a running, with you as her 'fall back guy' in mind. Batten down the hatches of your own heart and protect the journey that you had no option but to take. Maybe in years to come when there is absolutely no emotion left towards her in you, you may, just may have the strength to ask her the questions as to 'Why' or 'Was it worth it?', who knows if you will ever hear the true answers! By then, will you even care?
Don't worry Patrick :)Based on recent track record I could not begin to understand what point of references - if any - she has !!! There is a whole other wiki to be set up on the affects of GP prescribed drugs on people's personalities. I actually heard a doc on Radio 2 describe some HRT treatments as having testosterone for which there is no license in the UK for woman.. amazing or what.. My ex is really messed up I know that for sure.. sad.
I can identify with this also,all the heartbreak for nothing...
But was it???
Our ex's never gave us a thought when they started these affair's,so that is testament to the people they become,that they had considered going down the affair route.An affair needs 2 willing parties for it to work,and obviously our Ex's were up for it.That proves that any respect they may have had once had gone,they were purely working on a self only basis,we were not in the equation.
So,although I have gone a long winded way about it,when the respect has gone out of a relationship,in my eyes the relationship has gone.Our Ex's need to feel the hurt that we felt,the desolation,the Why me?.....
They need to feel these emotions and acknowledge that they caused another to feel that way,a feeling I would never want to inflict on another.
So yes their crisis is still there,it never disappeared with an affair,our Ex's lives just got worse,but if yours are like mine they are the ones who now feel hard done by :o :o
Yes although I feel sad that the stupid Twock cheated on us,the romance of his life never lasted,he is now on his own,am I over him?
That I may never know...
Do I feel anything?
Yes I do,"What goes around comes around"
This time he has to deal with it not me.....
Be careful RS. Its not easy as working out where you are but also what she does and what place she jumps to next. She may not consider you a point of reference in her 'new' life but she might and I do not believe (depending of the day of the week) that we entirely give up on some weird reconcilation fantasy. Tread lightly bro.