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The next relationship

J Updated
I think this blog entry may be difficult for some to read. I apologise in advance for that. About 4 months after my STBX asked for a divorce I signed up to the usual dating sites, and met some nice guys, had some fun. One particular guy really stood out for me and we ended up having a relationship. The sticking point in this - as I am sure you will have guessed - is that he is married. He told me it is an unhappy marriage, and that it is over. He told me he was leaving more than once and I believed him, but he is still there. I have tried to break it off more than once, and always got back in touch with him. However, I have come to realise that being the OW is an awful place to be in. I think because my own marriage has ended, and I see so many marriages on this site ending. I thought it would work out for us. But long term marriages are odd things. Your lives are so intertwined that it can be hard to see anything different. Now I am coming out the other side of my divorce I wish I had done this long ago - and I cannot see the point in staying in an unhappy marriage - life is just too short, or too long to do so. And I do not understand why anyone would want to make someone stay in a marriage when they are unhappy. I have broken contact with him and deleted his phone numbers, and made him block my email addresses. I am finding it hard but I think I will make it this time. I have read on here that the next big relationship you have after divorce/separation is the one that hits you - more because many marriages were already dead and the split is a relief. I would agree. This guy became my best friend, and helped me through a difficult time. The lesson I have learnt is to be very wary of any relationship with someone who is still involved - no matter what their perception of their relationship. Over the last year I have developed much deeper friendships with my female friends - these are the ones that have my back and I am so grateful for them. I can tell them anything and they will not judge me. I know I do not need a partner, but I would like one. This time I will wait for the right person to come along - I have time, and lots to do.

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Comment
I just can't help thinking why does he start another relationship when in unhappy one, Not only does it bring another issue when separating , so if unhappy he well go with someone again and his previous partner can't stopped or can i stopped anyone cheating and bad excuse unhappiness at home . Just leave with dignity and then meet someone. Sorry hope it works out for you and you not watching if that's his nature . It could be best thing for you both .,
D
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He did leave his wife early on in our relationship, but his wife asked him to stay for certain family milestones, he told me they had agreed to separate after these things had happened.

How much was true i don't know, and probably never will.

I think I am pretty good now at weaning out the married guys now...once bitten twice shy.



J
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Yeah i would rather be single than with a lying cheat...the other was telling me right up to the last moments of our relationship how much he loved me...and like a fool i believed it...i was lied to for years...well never again will i give my everything to anyone...the trust has gone...that piece of *&^% put paid to that...
M
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Good to hear you've cut all contact, and what a shame you ended up with a lying cheat again. I would rather be single forever than cause someone that hurt, no matter what the man said. While my ex was telling sob stories about his miserable marriage to OW and her mum, he was swearing to me everything was OK and that we didn't need to go to counselling. Perhaps you need to consider that men on OLD may be in relationships until proven otherwise...
V
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I think its all too easy these day to glibly talk about "unhappy marriages". Gosh, how we all want so much these days! I think partly because we all feel so entitled. I can understand if one needs to leave an abusive relationship. but unhappy? Ive learnt that we all tend to use relationships for many different reasons. We are social animals and don't want to be alone. We all want to feel connected and I believe we all are in lots of ways. I know my ex was vey unhappy herself and not so much me as her herself and this is what fuelled he move towards cutting everyone off and escaping to "another place" and with another man. The other man I have realised is a symptom and my daughter has told me stories about their "on / off" relationship. I prefer to think that we can all eventually reach a peaceful place on our own, not needing to feel so entitled about ourselves or anyone or anything in particular. A partner compliments and we can enjoy sharing life and experiences with them. I'm sorry but for a married man to be "dating" or using dating sites is just plain wrong. I do know it goes on a great deal though. I know first hand just how much pain can be created in the world as a result.
R
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I absolutely agree with Shoegirl...how can you possibly trust someone who is capable of lying and cheating on their wife regardless of the state the marriage was in. You know the old saying 'Once a liar and a cheat, always a liar and a cheat'. Personally i think men who do this sort of thing are spineless cowards, have no integrity and can't be and shouldn't be trusted.
M
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You are already aware that your blog will potentially cause a reaction. I'm always interested in hearing about different perspectives and sounds like you have resolved this situation for yourself which is a good thing.

I guess the thing that would bother me personally is that the person is capable of lying. No matter whether the marriage is dead/dying or how much in love/out of love someone might be, it's the lying/dishonesty that would be difficult for me personally to reconcile. Even if someone is no longer in love/happy with their spouse, its hard often to find a reason for the lack of respect for their spouse shown through their secret affair.

I'm years on now after my own divorce and have the benefit of much water under the bridge. I didn't want my ex to stay in a marriage that made him unhappy (he definitely wouldn't have won any husband of the year awards himself) but I felt he did owe me the dignity of an ending that honoured the years we had shared rather than make a utter mockery of the marriage and commitment we had made. It wasn't him wanting to end it that was really the issue, it was the absolutely disgraceful way he went about lying and cheating, getting round to telling me once he'd feathered his nest somewhere else whilst I was oblivious. I'm sure he told OW he was unhappy etc and how he told me this. He didn't by the way as you may have guessed. Generally what they tell the wife and the mistress(es) are two very different things.

Yours in many ways is a cautionary tale, what happens when you take the word of someone who lies and cheats on a spouse and think they will follow through on their promises and commitments to the person they are having an affair with.
S