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There are some things a wife should never see...

S Updated
There are some things a wife should never see. I should never have seen my ex chasing other women...there is something taboo about that, and revolting. Often I recall events over the past few years where I had to witness an ugly self-infatuated messy mid-life crisis. Excessive drinking underpinned his nefarious activities but perhaps alcohol was his enabler, he could break through marital vows and obligations to his family with alcohol. We broke up for the first time 4 years ago, within a month he was on match.com, a month later he had found a new love and soon he went to visit her for a week. I went through the not being able to eat, wanting to die period then...I just couldn't believe it. He dated other women and sometimes left his car all night close to our house so I knew he had been out all night. Unbelievably we got back together but he found it hard to give up on the online chats so I discovered various online communications and one weekend I went away, he went off with a local woman and texted me from her place. We were both mad but we had had a good long marriage and I made allowances. Hey I come from a family where wives have driven their husbands to red light areas (on the German side). I was in unchartered territory and I loved him. He returned home and settled down but two years later it started again. In the morning I would go on our computer and find messages he had posted to female friends of friends of his on Facebook like "You are very beautiful'. He also joined a dating site. Funnily enough I thought it was a stress response to his having had a very bad year at work and me the opposite. Perhaps it was but I realize now he really was looking for someone else in a very clumsy drink-ridden way. I blocked him from my Facebook - I couldn't bear the potential shame of him approaching some of my friends online. We talked, he denied, he drank more and more...up all night and asleep all day. I think it was around this stage that he began an emotional relationship online with one of my old friends on Facebook...she was on his fb too. He lost all interest in his surroundings, in me, the girls...he was always on the computer. Then my father died suddenly and the ex created havoc resulting in his removal from the house and a restraining order. He went to live with his mother and within 3 months he moved down to the seaside to be with my old friend who left her husband and 3 kids for him. Now I know, having read so many wiki posts, that I should have stuck to my guns. I should have locked up ,y rescuer tendencies and tried for an amicable separation. By trying again, things only got worse for him and me and now we are completely estranged. I am sorry for my foolishness

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I agee with Nige - brilliant reply DIAH. (And of course good thread sg!)
SF
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Never mind the question marks - what a great, inspirational response that is DIAH.

Stem, thanks for the blog, you have my empathy and bestest of wishes.

Nige
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Dear wikis, thank you for your words of support and wisdom. You have all given me a different perspective and emerald butterfly and stumpy lad, the Spring is indeed coming and I have filled my house with spring flowers in pots. You too ldgh tried again to your cost - perhaps we have to hit rock bottom to really know it's over. DIAH, what an amazing response...you didn't take over my blog. It really helps to know that you forgave and rescued all the time to your own personal cost. You hit the nail on the head as you usually do, that we need to draw a line with how far we go to rescue others or we may endanger ourselves.
Emerald Butterfly I too am wearing a winter coat of humiliation and I am now as Mitchum suggests trying to rescue myself and I am very low down in a pot hole, but can see some daylight and am struggling upwards. After focusing all my attention on propping up the ex emotionally for years, I took the eye of my ball and am physically and mentally out of shape. He is in a much stronger position than me. It makes me think of those sad tales where dog-owners jump into water to save their dogs and drown whilst the dog survives.
S
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(Except the one time I want to show that it comes up as question marks)
V
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The same happens with a line of full stops…….
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To DIAH re the question marks. It sometimes happens that apostrophes appear as question marks. You have to go to edit and delete each question mark and repeat the apostrophe and this time it will be OK.
M
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Sorry Wikis posted the above from my phone and it inserted ? instead of ' each time, sorry if I have confused anyone.

All the best
DIAH
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SG

Could have written your blog myself,It is unfortunate that some of us have rescuer tendencies that sometimes lead us to rescue those who don’t want to be rescued. I am trained in various rescue techniques such as mountain and deep water rescue and the overriding theme on all the courses I have attended is ‘Don’t put yourself at undue risk whilst attempting a rescue’ in other words don’t become a casualty yourself, it leads to another person who needs to be rescued.

In these environments I am able to apply that mantra, I would never go onto a mountain to rescue someone if the conditions are beyond my capabilities, like wise I would not attempt to jump into the sea in a force 10 gale. Both of these scenarios would lead to another casualty for the professionals to rescue. In my emotional life I am the complete opposite, like you I have seen things no partner should be expected to see. I have had her crying on my shoulder when her affair partner has dumped her, have fixed her car only for her to drive off to see some guy and the ultimate insult was watching her constantly text, message, and run off to chat to her latest interest while we were sitting by my mothers hospital bed.

Like you I thought it was part of her mid life crisis and hoped she would come to her senses and stay in the stable home we have created. I know exactly how you feel, her first case of infidelity, that I knew about, was over 4 years ago. Like you I took her back only to find she had numerous other affairs, some physical others emotional over the internet. We had two good years together following the first separation then she started having affairs again. Of course all of these were after the ‘I love you but I am not in love with you, don’t know how I feel about you any more’ BS. Unfortunately she had already started her latest affairs when these words were spoken, still I suppose if our STBX keep on saying this BS to themselves one day they may believe it.

The upshot is like you I am older, but don’t appear to be wiser myself, and have lost 4 years. If only I had ended this 4 years ago I may have recovered by now, instead I am older, less fit (both mentality and physically) and more jaded than ever. Not exactly attractive traits to start a new life.

Sorry if I appear to have hijacked your blog I just wanted you to know you are not alone in how you have tried to recue someone who could not be recued. At least we can hold our heads up high and said ‘We did our best’, not easy when our STBX seems to shrug everything off and walk from one person to another I know. What they don’t realise is that rucksack of life gets heavier each time and one day when it is full of deceit, lies, infidelity and other emotional baggage, people like us wont be around to say ‘Give me a shoulder strap we can carry this load together’.

Next time out STBX’s appear to be drowning lets hope we have the strength to say ‘Sorry the waters too rough, time to call the professionals’ as a rescuer we can call the Mountain Rescue Service, Air Sea Rescue and RNLI to help them but we must never go on to that mountain or jump in the sea again.

Sending you all the best, take care SG,

DIAH

Remember Don’t Become A Casualty Yourself Atempting To Rescue Someone.
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Always remember the words of Nietzche. "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."

Though personally I much prefer "That which does not kill me, better start running."

I approve of Emerald's sentiment. Spring is coming. A fresh new season in our lives, full of life and new possibilities.

The past may have led us to where we are but its our choices that shape our future. Make the most of them.
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(((SG))),
From reading your post you did everything you could and gave ex so many chances to do and be the partner he should have been.Do not blame yourself it wasn't foolishness it was courageous and brave after so much and many callous acts towards you and the marriage had been committed. l applaude you for your strength of character you know that you have done everything you could have but when there's nothing left of the people that we feel in love with we have to say enough is enough.
Humiliation is a heavy cloak to wear and I have the winter version.
Broken hearts and shattered dreams need tender care.

Spring is coming for us here so nurture and love yourself enough to unfurl into the warmth and light, if all we wiki's do that we will be part of an ever changing beautiful meadow and we all really deserve that.

XXX
E
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