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Tough love

S Updated
Opinions please My son turns 16 tomorrow. He lives with his dad as his behaviour at home became unbearable, I felt it was a matter of time before he hit me, he was swearing calling me names, throwing things at me, punching holes in my wall, spitting on my bedroom floor. He has always had anger problems, it's not a teenage thing or something that has started since the divorce, his dad had the same issues when he was young. I've tried everything and I mean everything to help him, nothing worked and I asked his dad for help but he wasn't interested. I couldn't take it anymore and didn't want my daughter growing up thinking this was acceptable. I still try to talk to him by text, I tell him I love him but at the moment he hates me. His dad now has an allie to hate me with too. The only replays I get to my texts are horrible ones. I've bought him a birthday present but I don't know wether to give it to him. I feel terrible to just let the day go by and not give him anything but if I do give him it I'm just rewarding bad behaviour. He is fine if you give him what he wants but if you say no or challenge his behaviour he flys oft the handle. I just don't know what to do. Help

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Very sorry to read your story, Sungirl.

Make sure that you and your daughter are safe. Contact the police to log any extreme behaviour. Only your son can decide what will stop him from misbehaving.

I agree that sending a card with some money might be best. You acknowledge him and his needs- but keep yourself at a safe distance.

Good luck.
I
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what kind of experience do you mind sharing is it from bad boy part or as a parent?
it would be really helpful!
RG
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Send him the gift. It's his birthday and you are his mother and you love him. Bad behaviour is a cry for help. I'm sure he doesn't want to behave as he does but cannot help himself. To give a gift in these circumstances is not rewarding bad behaviour. Not giving it is punishing him and simply risks adding grist to the mill and escalating. Be the bigger person and show your love without expecting anything in return. I speak from experience.
E
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Just trying to offer support.
Do acknowledge that it is his birthday. Card containing cash to do with what he chooses is good. But in this technological age, I would also take a picture to add to a "memory box". That would show him when he is ready to reflect that you were there and this is what you did.
Carly xx
O
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Sungirl, i had been through the same horrible behaviour of my son, who lives with me. One day when he was being too aggressive in the house- I called the police. I had to show him that I am the boss of this house. if he wants to live with me he needs to respect me or he is free to leave.
since then his aggression has been under control.
being devil's advocate here-I think our son's may have something deep inside that they want to say and something that worries them but are unable to pick up the courage to say and is expressed is this frustration in the most in appropriate manner.
(I may be wrong!)
RG
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Tough love is the hardest love of all. I feel so sad for you that you have to even ask this question.

Our instincts remind us of that day we gave birth, so we're programmed to remember our children's birthdays. What you've written about his behaviour however indicates that he has little to no respect for you. How can you be sure that what you've bought is what he wants and will therefore not cause further conflict?

I think on balance you should perhaps send him a card, nothing elaborate, just a nice card and some money to choose what he wants. That acknowledges his birthday, so there can be no accusations of you not caring and by allowing him to choose something, you take away his power to hurt you further if it's not what he wants.

Hope this helps. xx

M
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Good Morning sungirl

personally I don't see it as rewarding bad behaviour. I see a mother trying to hold onto a relationship with her son. it's his birthday, no matter what he needs to know that you still care and love him. growing up my mother never told us she loved us or hugged us. she was very distant. till this day my siblings and I are affected by it.

what your going through is hard. your son wont realise it now just how much you love him. you will have to wait till he's older and matures for his eyes to open. till then the only thing you can do is patience.


best wishes

Xx Kay
B