OK, to be honest, I suspect there is some unfair exaggeration in some of the things I've written recently. I believe it is not unlikely that the hurt and despair that I feel at the moment is tainting my views and making things appear worse than they are. Also, you readers are only getting one side of the story. So, pinch of salt time, I think.
So, if my X2B should ever read this (she's told me that she won't) then I am sorry for any misrepresentation or exaggeration that you think exists. That said, these are my feelings at the time that I am writing. Therefore, if I am upset when I am writing, then that will show through.
I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, as you will have seen. I am in constant turmoil trying to see positive things in a very negative situation. I still don't fully understand why this is all happening and that is really difficult for me. I am fighting negative feelings of despair, worthlessness, anger, bitterness etc. because I do not think they are beneficial emotions at this time.
Right now, I have to be strong for my daughter and even for X2B. After I've moved into my hovel I can let go.
And I will, I'm sure.
But for now, my brain feels like it is in a washing machine being spun round one way and then the other with all sorts of things jumbled up not able to be sorted out. I'll get through it in a few days I am sure. Maybe a week.
So there we go. I can't think straight, can't sleep (hence being on here at 4:30 in the morning) and can't help but wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this.
Once, a few weeks ago before this all happened, I was comforting X2B during one of her more emotional periods of despair. She was saying how bad things were for me having to look after her when she has her episodes and how I must think that I had done something wrong in a former life to get stuck with her. I told her that I felt lucky to be married to her and that I must have done something really good before to have deserved it. I said that I believed that I must have caught a bullet meant for the Pope to have been blessed with her company and love.
Now I think that maybe it was me that tried to shoot the Pope.
See, I told you I was a bit of a mess.