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Well I did it ...

H Updated
Recently saw ex for the first time in a year when we went to mediation. He came into the room without so much as a hello (now why did that surprise me), and we gave each other a milli-second glimpse. I didn't really know what to expect, and was pleased with private praise from the mediator afterwards with the way I had handled myself. I felt calm and strangely quite relaxed after he came into the room. I felt confident with the responses to my questions. After I made my escape and came home. Very few people know I went as I don't want to waste my energy mentioning it, working on my own grass, etc. When I got home I went upstairs and cried and cried for about 5 minutes. I knew this would happen after the meeting - I just had to let it go and not control those emotions. During the meeting when I saw ex I felt nothing, absolutely nothing, no hate, no ill feel just nothing. I also didn't feel I needed to "win" or come out on top - god what's happened to me? I congratulated myself being like this. I am just fed up with the whole thing now and want it sorted and move on. Who knows what ex was thinking, time for second guessing him is long gone. All I know is I have made the right decision for me and my boys and the less I see him the better I am. It's definitely better to have no contact and especially not see him. I know I need to go through this process though to be where I want to be. Thanks for reading

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Thanks for your support ladies. I have felt myself going a bit backwards these past few days, dwelling on things from the past. Got myself in a bit of a tizz, but like I tell myself every time it doesn't matter know I can go nothing about it, I don't want to do anything about it. It's only temporary, it will go. Keep driving forward.
In the beginning I cried constantly,I must have cried a small ocean,then the tears eased off,and I started dealing with things.Don't get me wrong I still cried alone...
Even after my divorce I cried at times,and for the life of me I cannot tell you why..then one day I took myself to bed and cried my eyes out,suddenly I had a bit of a moment...Why!!!!
Before I cried for him,the breakdown of his relationship with our daughters,worrying about him,all of that,but why was I crying for him?
I think that day and the following few days is when I came to indifference,I no longer worry about him,whatever he is doing its up to him,so HKHD,is that where your heading now ?
You Sat in the same room and he never phased you!!!
Your definitely getting stronger,and now your in control of the situation....

Sad that we can all share our experiences,and most of us wish we were never here,but we are,we have survived one of the worse things that can happen,now it's time to start laughing again,to find yourself,to be yourself,and to be happy again...

Cwtchs hun
Afon xx
Wow HKHD. You definitely need a name change now! Well done for getting where you are now. All that extra energy spent on yourself rather than second guessing him etc is paying dividends. Best wishes to you and your boys x