(I originally tried to record these sentiments on holiday - but I don't think the system liked my tablet and it disappeared - so this may lack a sense of immediacy - but I still wanted to explore it.) I have just had a week in Ibiza (the North - not the strip!) on my own. It is the second holiday I have taken on my own. It was fine - but I felt invisible. There were so many young families - and without too much self indulgence I looked at them and thought 'that used to be us'. How did this happen? When I wrote the orginal blog I could not see the other lone travellers (a couple arrived on my last day) and I felt invisisble. I had fun people watching from behind my cloak of invisibility - but there are ghosts there....the ghosts of a family that no longer exists. Yes, I have adult children - but we are no longer 'a family'. While I was alone on holiday I learned my former family with ow were moving my son into his new flat. ....and again.....I am alone behind my cloak of invisiblity, not seen - looking fine but grieving and crying......if there were others (and there must have been) - I couldn't see them. This is not meant to be about self pity - more an acknowledgement of my difficulty in accpetance - and my grief. I feel cheated not only on a husband but of a family, of that sense of belonging and cohesion - We will not enjoy our grandchildren together - they will have extra grandparents - who are nothing to do with them.....I look ok on the outside - but I am still cracked and broken on the inside and I feel it will be ever thus. Hey ho
You are something else, one in a million and you have to pat yourself on the back as to what you have so eloquently achieved in the last 6 years. I know it takes sheer guts and determination to try and find a groove, travelling alone is not for the faint hearted, but you are amazing to have got to that point, more than I have ever done!
I know your hurt, I know the anger that rears its head from time to time, but as we have both said, would you take him back now, with bells and whistles, no you would not, not in a million! ?
Scaryclaire (I use that with old school respect and memories), you have one life, yes, your path has been sh!te, but making sense of DH''s actions and his life as it is now, is wasted energy. I too understand that.
I am trying to give you some tough love sun flower as you are an amazing woman that the OW will never ever be fit to lace your boots, ever. Moving on is tough, when we have been at the receiving end of another's actions, but waste no more energy and Eat, Love, Pray that your time is coming. Open your heart to new possibilities and take a leap of faith, you never know where it may lead!
Your children have an amazing Mother and you are. You have friends that are honoured your are in their lives and I am testament to that!
Can we change the past sun flower, no we can't, not for all the tea in China, but remember just how hard you have worked to be standing where you are today.... Be proud, it is still tough for many of us, but sweep him and her out of your mind, you deserve to be happy and a bit of peace and quiet.
Remember 'rock' we still have an appointment with Greece!
Sunflower I am also impressed with your independence in travelling alone. I have another divorced friend who goes to yoga retreats solo and think that would be a good way to start when I get the chance, or maybe a hiking holiday with a group. I used to work with a divorced woman who goes to Bali alone every year and reads countless books by the pool.
It's tough to miss out on family events... divorce robs us of many things we looked forward to. X
movingon - that's so true - great thought - not many people die of a broken heart and not many people 'get out' without having had one for one reason and another. That's a good thing to remember. The invisibility idea was more for self reflection and re-assessment than self pity. I would do a holiday like that again (it was my second) - take care and thanks for your replies.
I think you're very brave to have gone on a trip alone. Soon after my break up i went to Hong Kong and China for a month...somewhere i had always wanted to go but the other would never have gone with me. The other and OW do loads together they do things the other would never have done with me or the children...that really hurts. I have come to realise that my marriage was a sham...i honestly don't think the other really ever loved me...just used me and when he found another, who is a lot younger than me, i was unceremoniously dumped. It is hard when you see happy families on holiday together...i really struggle with this. I put on a brave face 'fake it until you make it'...its exhausting. I try all and everything to alleviate the pain and it does go temporarily but always rears its ugly head eventually. Like RockSteady says we don't realise it but we are in the healing process...not many people die of a broken heart!!
Well done to you. What you did there was a courageous thing to do. I recognise the feeling of loneliness but I don't have it now. And so we have to remember that time is our friend. I actually look forward to my periods of solitude now because I have simply got used to it. My daughter is with me for the Summer and because she has a Summer job in central London and I live in W London. Her mother is on her 5th rental now and way out of town to keep costs down I guess. To answer your question: "What becomes of the broken hearted"? I believe that we heal, eventually and in our own time. But like the loss of anyone close its something we will always carry with us. The hurt sometimes rises to the top and we train ourselves to deal with it, to handle it as best we can. Our victory comes from not longer choosing to be a victim or letting the pain rule our lives. Mindfulness is a modern mantra that for me helped a great deal. To be mindful of how we are feeling and train ourselves to be ve in our thinking helps a great deal. I knew in the beginning I had to go away on my own too. I took my Bike on the car and drove up to Scotland, stayed in B&B's, walked on beaches and went for long bike rides. All the time I was hurting like hell. But somehow I knew its what I had to do. I found some peace then and I didn't know it at the time but I had started my healing process. The simple things in life are what I found pleasure in: a hot shower, fresh air and a walk in the sunshine, smelling the Sea, going to see a movie I liked the look of. Take care and I hope you are planning already to take your next trip.
Sunflower I hear you. I have had the same thoughts, and I am sure many on here have. For me, there are good days and bad days (or minutes, or months) but the trend is towards acceptance. I realise that comparison is the thief of joy, but the more I hear about other families with similar rifts, the more I realise that my own situation is not that special. I used to be pretty smug: perfect family etc, and I feel I have been taken down a peg or two. I no longer think 'why me?' and I take it less personally than I did.
I admire you for taking the holiday. I will be going away for a few days soon, but not on that kind of holiday: mine has a focus and will be with other people who are on their own. It makes it easier, I think, though that is not the reason I chose it. I am going for CPD, but it is doubling up as a holiday because it is abroad, and I will meet people as well as learn. Maybe you could find something you would like to explore (a painting holiday, a cycling holiday, yoga, whatever: there are so many) to keep you occupied and energised?
I remember I cried and cried the day I went to see the mediator for my MIAM or whatever it's called. There were photos all over the place of grandchildren and I was devastated at the loss of my future co-grandparent. It turned out the lady was on her third husband. The photos were of all sorts of combinations of people. That day I realised how deceptive appearances can be, and how much heart ache lies behind many happy families, and that you can recover.