I am going through feelings of doubt.
Is Ex a pig (I'm trying to be polite)?
Has my imagination made him out worse than he is?
Am I a bad person because I left him for someone else?
Have I been controlled and manipulated for years or am I imagining it?
Do my kids hate me?
Will my kids accept that I am their mother some day?
Who am I?
I always thought that I was a fairly genuine, friendly, thoughtful, kind sort of girl. I thought that I had friends. Have I changed that much or am I just believing what Ex says?
One day I believe him and accept that he is being fair and doing all he can to promote me to the kids. On those days I think maybe I've got him wrong, maybe he really is the good guy he says he is.
On other days I hate him. I remember the feeling of dread when I knew he was coming home, the trying to get everything right so that he wouldn't get cross, cajoling the kids to be good so he would stay calm. I remember things I found that where never explained, underwear that didn't belong to me, photographs (2 girls he worked with scantily clad!!) he had that there was no reasonable explanation for. I remember catching him with his trousers down (literally) when I was 7 months pregnant with my youngest. Apparently I over reacted because I shouted and it must have been the pregnancy hormones playing up! Funny, I accepted that one. Was this a normal marriage?
In 18 years of marriage I was completely loyal to him then I had too much. I fell in love, cheated and told him I was going.
Am I so wrong, so bad, such an unfit mother? My kids loved me, maybe they still do but they don't accept me the way they did. I have never said anything about why I left their dad other than I wasn't happy.
I feel that I cant do anything right, or say the right thing. How can I explain to them without telling them the whole truth, they are too young.
The one positive is my new partner. I have never regretted him. I do wonder if I was too honest, maybe I should have finished things with Ex and lied about having someone else...but I thought honesty was best.
I have to believe things will work out with the kids otherwise I would go mad but it does hurt that they have set him on a pedestal. I have to count myself lucky too because at least I see them and youngest now stays over with me (not new partner).
I suppose we all need some hope.