Well, as background for those who may not have read previous blogs... My wife and I have been separated two and a half years now. No kids which makes me very sad. She abandoned me and committed adultery though i could not prove it for a court, which made me even more angry and sad. I know the truth of her affairs, the men she was with. Painful memories now. This last two and a half years have been hell for me to be honest. I've endured the sadness and loneliness that comes with separation and even the taunts from her new "man" who is a fucking asshole... apparently he has been abusive to his ex's in the past but hey, thats another story. So, that still leaves her. She recently filed for divorce on grounds of two years separation. I reluctantly agreed though recently, out of the blue, the papers were sent back to me because there was a minor problem with names stated on petition... I have not yet agreed with changes to petition. It resides on my bedside table at the minute. Now, get this... a day after I received the new petition I find out my "wife" is pregnant to this asshole! Very pregnant. She's been in hiding for months now. Bitch. Question for you... Can I now petition for divorce on grounds of adultery? I'd love to have that on record, I really would. Vindication maybe?
Just wanted to add my thoughts to your blog.
It's easy to understand how very painful it is and the injustice of it all.
My stbx hid an affair of 10 years. He moved out as soon as he was discovered into her house where he resides now and is living the life of Reilly. I was left stunned and devastated. A marraige of 27 years swept away in an instant. I was 10 years behind him, emotionally, running to try and keep up and failing miserably.
You are right it sucks BIG time. Where is the justice? What do you do with the anger, the grief, the pain, no one else really understands unless they have been there.
As for your age, don't worry, really, you are still a relatively young man. You don't know what is yet to come.
And , lastly, I firmly believe that, just as the most appalling devastating things can befall us, it must also be true that the most amazing wonderful things can also happen, and they do, the people on this site are living proof. ((( )))
So true what Eliza and Holly say, you are a rare and special breed - a man who wasn't afraid of commitment but had an unwanted separation and would like a family. I think there is every chance you will find someone like-minded, just give yourself some time to grieve this relationship first.
Gravity - sending a big hug, you sound like you really need one, and you sound lovely.
Reading your comment helped me (as is so often the case on wiki) to realise something about myself. It's funny: people tell me the same thing over and over and I don't really get it until I see it in the context of someone else. Then the penny finally drops (a little).
What I mean in this case is: I read what you said about what x is doing, how she now has a family, a car, a happy life etc. And what I thought was: 'Never mind about her. Think about you!' I can't tell you how many times I have been told that, here and in real life. That I should stop thinking about him and just think about me. And I didn't really get it. Now I get it. Not saying I can do it, mind. I still think far too much about him, and about the I N J U S T I C E !!! But I am just starting to realise that in a way it is irrelevant. There is still a certain relevance for me in that we are still arguing about a diminishing pot of money and it is a zero sum game. In your case (if I have understood correctly) your lives are now effectively separated. Her having a baby with someone else takes nothing from you (other than your dreams and hopes). Your hopes of having a family with her etc are scuppered in any case. Of course it is incredibly painful and unjust, I do not mean to suggest anything else. I am sure I would be devastated, as you are. But as Shoegirl says, don't write yourself off. Don't worry (if you can help it) about what she is doing or what others are saying about it. I absolutely know how much easier this is said than done because I am failing myself, but try to think about you, your future etc.
Thank you for helping a small penny to drop with me. Bit by bit I hope I am getting to grips, but it is a long painful and rocky road we all travel when we are sh@t on by our (previous) other halves.
Oh and by the way, I know it may not feel like it, but 40s really is nothing. I am absolutely with you on the subject of never again, but I am in my 50s and completely shafted every which way and will NEVER trust again, not to mention never take my clothes off in front of anyone! But a single man in his 40s, and who wants kids??? I'd say you'd be fighting them off if you ever had your light on (as they say).
You think your chances of a family and real happiness are all but over. I think you need to look into why you are writing yourself off in this way. I too was done over by my ex. He lied, stole, cheated and then when I gave him a second chance, he did the same all over again. The final time leaving when he literally had bled me dry.
But why should his choices affect my life now? Coming to terms with the past takes time and my role was to understand why I had ended up with someone like that. I also cut many people out of my life who didn't have my best interests at heart. That way they could whisper all they liked, it mattered little.
I'm happy with my life just as it is. It is possible to have a perfectly happy life post divorce, it's just different to what was expected. Different is not always worse.
Yep my ex did his level best to f*ck me over. He didn't succeed though. Not in any way that mattered longer term. Really he didn't. I'm better and stronger for the experience. I learned much in this process called divorce. I wouldn't change it now.
Vastra, I had a feeling that this would happen sooner rather than later. I just didn't know how I would or should deal with it. Thinking of all the talk behind my back, the whispering, now is bad enough but thinking that other people knew of this and would have let me be the last to know is pretty appalling given that I did nothing wrong. Only one person had the decency to come and tell me. The timing was pretty weird though...
Gravity that would be so hurtful, it's no surprise you are feeling very angry about it right now. I was dreading the same happening with my STBX as I knew OW was very keen for babies (we have kids, so it's not so bad). And was relieved when I received his hospital bill from a urologist for a procedure that means no more kids, addressed to me as the health policy holder. Seeing OW pregnant to him would have been an extra humiliation I didn't want.
Thanks for the advice folks. Yet it's still so hard to take in. The grief and tears have receded though the hurt can rear up at times. Thinking of the pure hell she put me through makes me boil! I'd been getting on with things as best as I could for ages now. I've had a few dates but to be honest I don't think my heart was in it 100% and they quickly fizzled out anyway. Single women around my age are quite rare around here and most times I doubt I'll ever meet someone I could trust and maybe even love 100%. I'm in my 40's now and, if i'm totally honest, i'm scared. :( Think my chances for real happiness and, of course, a family are all but a dream now.
She, however, seems to be getting on with things quite nicely and now, this bombshell! Bastard! It does hurt to hear this, it really feels like a fresh twist of the knife that is still in my back but had been healing nicely. How do I take advantage of this news now. I was the one who put the deposit down on the house. Made nothing when it had to be sold. She stole from our account, took the car and whatever else of value from the house and is now shacked up with this prick who she is now pregnant to. WTF?!! Still, there's nothing to be gained?
In all I have learned from this the biggest lesson is that there is absolutely no justice in this world whatsoever. This is an inalienable truth. People will fuck you over, devastate you and still get away with it. It's pointless to fight. Solicitors make money, you still get screwed. Right?
I am firmly of the "never get married" camp now if I hear anyone is thinking about it. Don't do it! You'll likely regret it! It should be made illegal! Something like that that is so easy to enter into yet so hard to get out of? Sounds like the definition of Hell doesn't it?
As someone who was lied to and cheated upon for years with various affairs, I understand the need for vindication. Many of us here have very similar circumstances that led to our marriages eventually breaking down.
But Pixy is right. For the reasons she has clearly explained, it isn't about which party is right and which party is wrong. The point that the court is interested is only that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. It is the core point here. Divorce doesn't deliver justice to any party. It isn't about vindication, at best it is a process where both parties salvage something from the financial wreckage but often there isn't even enough to do that.
The courts pay no regard to the emotional devastation of divorce. There is no trial, no right or wrong. The marriage is over. They just need to make sure those grounds satisfy the requirements. Hers will The court applies no judgement to the reasons unless there are very extreme circumstances which make a difference to finances for reasons of bad conduct. What you describe isn't within those parameters.
So, what to do. I'd put your energy into you. She's gone off and made some bad choices, that's for her. Trying to prove adultery achieves what - at the end you still are divorced and the only thing that is different is a piece of paper in a court stating adultery that no one will ever read. The decrees don't say why the marriage broke down.
I would focus on your future, the money and time you invest in cross petitioning would be better directed towards counselling or paying for something else to help you move forward positively. You need to make your future about you now not her.
I never had children with my ex, he went off and got someone else pregnant very quickly. I see this time and time again here. It's part of the overall pattern it seems.