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Why do they keep up lying to us (Oh what a tangled web they weave)

D Updated
Hi fellow Wikis Nothing much happened, which will come as no surprise. Except I am now certain that another person is involved. Cannot say how I know as it involved a person who my partner is friends with and she did a bit of background research. Wish she hadn't as it now compromises her and also made me feel as sick as a pig. I found out last week and it would appear that the information is correct. The other person is a 'friend' of the family however if her family knew she was in a relationship with him it would lead to a major rift. Cannot say to much as if her friend is snooping on her then I can be certain that that she is snooping on me. She is an IT/telecommunications expert and can hack accounts like a professional. She told me what was going on only to cause me pain, she took great pleasure in telling me. WHY I do not know but then many get pleasure out of other peoples pain. When I found out I remained calm and did not initially say what I had found out, however it was banked for future reference. Over the weekend we attended an event together and I did have to much to drink, not good when secrets are involved. I confronted her at the event and asked her point black if she was seeing someone else, this was denied (first lie). I then asked her sometime later if she was in regular contact with Mr X, again denied although I watched as two texted arrived in 5 minutes and she had the urgent need to go to the toilet (Second Lie). When more alcohol had been consumed I got to the point and said 'Are you having an affair with Mr X)'. She then said that she wasn't and I was imagining things again (Third lie in a short space of time). I can read her like a book and could see she was worried about me leaving her there alone, to make her own way home, which is something I would never do. Continued below.

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DIAH

You sound like a really decent bloke who deserves so much better than you are getting. It's clear that you love her very much and..and well you will do what your heart tells you to.

This guy sounds like a right player and there is definately no honour amongst men as far as this guy is concerned. He's an opportunist and what a massive mistake she is making. I hope she comes to her senses.

Take care of yourself

LG xXx
L
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Thanks again for your replies, once again they are much appreciated.

Donkler, I agree that a breaking point has to be reached at some point, although I know it is inevitable I dread to think how I will react, hopefully I will get though it with the help of my kind Wiki friends.

LG, what you said is so true, I have tried imagining a future with someone new who returns the love I am capable of giving but somehow all my thoughts return to her. You are right about a living hell but my heart is not into packing a suitcase, either for myself or for her. If I had somewhere to go maybe I would feel different about things but I have nowhere to go and everything is tied up in the house, the place that I hope will once again be home.

Afon, as ever thanks for your support, I think I know most of you better than I know some of real friends and yes I hope one day I find happiness again. At the moment this seems like an elusive hope and all I can see is the hole that I have buried myself in. The sad thing is I realise the hole is one I have dug myself.

Vastra you commented that you question your own sanity. That is so true your gut tells you one thing and your head another. What you believe changes by the moment, you question if anything over the past few years was actually real or just a fantasy that you have created. You look for little signs and some indicate that the relationship was real, others tell you it wasn't and (s)he was only looking after her/him self until something better came along. The lies and the uncertainty are the worst parts. She had the perfect opportunity over the last few days to tell me the truth but still she lies. She has friends and family who will cover for her because they don't know the truth about us or the guy I have been told she is seeing. What she has told people about me I hate to think, I must come across as a Neanderthal Attila the Hun.

One sad thing is that I cannot use the local leisure centre, which was one of my only sanctuaries, as this guy along with the brothers and some friends have joined. It is like he is trying to steel my life as well as taking the love of my life away from me. The ironic thing is I have helped this person out on many occasions, even gave him an alibi when he was in trouble. He stayed in my house, while she was away, when he had family problems. She went mad when she found he had stayed as she said she didn't like him, was this another lie. I confided with him about 12 months ago when I thought she was seeing someone else.

The only sad thing is that I had an argument with her many months ago, in the pub, not a bad one but an argument nevertheless. Who took me outside and told me to calm down and told me I had a good woman, yes you've guessed it was him. It was soon after she started being friendly with him and said he was a much misunderstood character. The argument was constructed by the holiday friend and I couldn't say why we were arguing because her husband was present and I had been sworn to secrecy. I notice he has now defriended me on Facebook and blocked me from his page, good riddance to bad rubbish I say.

I feel let down not only by the woman I love but also but also by someone I once called a friend.

The event we went to was an 8 hour boxing tournament, she booked the seats and took me along even though she knows I hate sports like that. Would I have honestly caused trouble at an even like that surrounded by fighters and the police. I never thought to ask her why she had developed a liking for blood sports or why she saw fit to take me along, I thought she was just being nice and wanted to spend some time with me. Maybe one of the fighters was a friend of the guy and she was offering support. Who knows ?????

Anyway better stop rambling but once again thanks to each and everyone of you for your kind words.

DIAH xxxx
D
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Hi Down, just want to add that I had a period of several months where I knew STBX was interested / possibly involved with OW (he kept denying), and it was so toxic and tense.... you question your sanity because your gut tells you something is seriously wrong and they are holding back something big from you; they keep saying "nothing's happening", but are sneaking off to text / email in privacy at every opportunity. Looking back I wish STBX had confessed sooner, that limbo was just delaying the inevitable and buying him time. I hope she snaps out of this and commits to you, but also hope either way this uncertainty doesn't last too long for you. Best wishes, V x
V
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Down,yes it is so hard to offer any advice,
All our situations are differant,our lives,our thoughts and more importantly our feelings,that is why I feel I cannot offer any advice.

We all deal with things in our own ways and in our own time,yes as outsiders we may feel that you should do this or do that,but only you can make the choice of when you do things,and when your ready to do them.

Wherever this road takes you,remember you are worthy of being loved,and yes deserve to be loved,and starting over again,yes it can be hard but it's certainly do-able,though before you get to that stage,begin the most important relationship of all,the one with yourself xx

Diah,I hope that you find your peace,some contentment and happiness,don't give up on that one..............

Cwtchs
Afon xxx
A
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Hi DIAH,

This must be like living in hell for you. I feel what you are saying about wanting to salvage the relationship but shes gotta want that to.

Sorry DIAH but you do deserve to be loved wholeheartedly, everyone does. I'm guessing that you wouldn't look twice at anyone else because of how you feel about her..You know she's looking elsewhere and if you know it then you have to do something about it. Easy enough for any one of us to say but what's the alternative. Sit around until she goes.

Is starting over at 60 or 65 or 70 any more pleasant. Starting over is hard for anyone especially if your heart doesn't want to get into the suitcase...

I hope you find some peace, take care

LG xXx

L
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Shoegirl is bang on the button with this, Shoegirl and myself have trodden this path.

Its without doubt the most difficult phase, but if this continues there will be a breaking point for you, and when you snap and say to yourself enough is enough, I deserve better - the weight will lift.

D
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Thanks very much for taking the time to read my blog, all your replies mean so much.

Afon and sunflower I know it is hard to offer advice to someone who is in my situation, I do love her so much but am slowly getting to the point where I am questioning if she deserves my love. I know that appears selfish on my part but the pain of love is hard to bear, never known this pain before.

Mitcham, I want to salvage this more than anything else I have encountered in my life and I have been in some tight spots but the ball is definitely not in my court at the moment.

Shoe girl you speak so eloquently and with much truthfulness and compassion. Yes you may not saytthings we want to hear but you have obviously walked the same path as me and it is a rough androcky one at that. I probably know deep down that I have lost her and agree the pain of not knowing is unbearable, the hollow feeling when I return home, looking for items that mean so much to her so I have some hope that she will be returning at some point in the evening. I agree this is not a life it is an existence, I think I deserve a life with someone who loves me not as a door mat or social worker. But how to move on is the question. I do not have anywhere to move to and the thought of starting over again at over 50 is not a pleasant thought.

To you all why do we attract and give our all to these people, we offer love and lifetime companionship to these people only to be traded in for a younger modal.

Hope you all have a great day and find happiness in whatever you are doing.

You are all great friends and much help.

Thanks again
DIAH xxx
D
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If she is seeing someone else, then this is not an authentic relationship. There is a void where emotional intimacy is absent and that means it is not really a relationship. There is a difference between dependency and love.

Sorry if this is harsh and I don't mean to be cruel. But you are choosing to live with her lies and in the process you risk destroying yourself. Where does it end DIAH? A total breakdown on your part? Waking every day with dread that this might be the day that she breaks the mutual denial and chooses to go? Is that really a life? I have been there DIAH and nothing in the separation and divorce was as bad as living in denial hoping for a miracle, that one day by ex would change. The only thing that did change is that his behaviour and lies just got worse over time.

Counselling isn't a magic answer and it won't fix you. It doesn't work like that. Until you are willing to really face this possibility that digging this hole doesn't work anymore for you, then it will be at best coping strategies for the situation you find yourself in.

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear or read. Leaving the marriage is hard but sometimes staying is harder. Depends how much of yourself, your self esteem, your wellbeing you are prepared to sacrifice to allow someone tieless the opportunity to lie, cheat and be entirely selfish. Is it really worth it?
S
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No advice from me either,only support and some sadness felt for this ongoing situation(())

It's clear to all that you love her unconditionally,hopefully you will learn to love DIAH also...............

Cwtchs
Afon xx
A
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I read your blog. What Mitchum says is true. No advice though - but know it is read and I feel for you.
SF
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