I say to myself 'I am so over that man!' And I say 'it's really helped that he is being such a prize idiot and selfish oaf'. But the truth is even though i definitely, definitely do not want him back, not even a tiny little bit, it still really hurts and makes me want to vomit and just seems altogether WRONG to hear him refer to 'my girlfriend'. WTF? He is my husband! How can he have a girlfriend? Furthermore, who on earth would want him? And 'it's not fair!' (I am a gazillion miles away from dating, and no one would have me and I wouldn't want a partner anyway). And the thought of them having sex makes me sick to my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have no strings attached sex but I don't think that exists really, or wouldn't for me, even if I could find a taker. And then I have the children 24/7. Also, I know it is none of my business, but, seriously, isn't it a bit soon? Walk out of a 20+yr marriage and straight into a floozy? I know it happens all the time, but, really, how does that work? Is it just an avoidance tactic? I know that in my case even apart from the fact that I could never, ever trust anyone again, it will be a long time before I feel I have learned enough about myself and how I got to this sh!tty place to risk any kind of relationship again. I never want to make myself vulnerable again. But now I am starting to see that the trick may be to have sufficient strength that being in a relationship is not being vulnerable, not giving your entire self away as I did last time. I am beginning to see the possibility that it is less about trusting the other person and more about trusting yourself. Not there yet, but moving towards it. Maybe I should not be thinking about his sorry arse at all. But I do wonder. It seems to me absolutely plain that he needs therapy arguably even more than I do. I wonder what his new relationship (retching at the thought) is really like. It's not even that I wish him ill, or think of karma, or look forward to the relationship breaking up. I don't care whether they split up or live together for the rest of their lives. I feel a bit lonely and hard done by though, it has to be said. Dealing with divorce, house sale, studies, lack of income, three troubled teenagers, health issues, need to find some kind of career in my 50s, need to decide where in the world to live, and how, and all of this not only on my own when I had become so helpless it was pathetic, but in the teeth of opposition, obstruction and intransigence from x, when he used to be (or appeared to be) my rock. Lonely, hard done by and overwhelmed...
Hi Eliza, it is sometimes said that it is the wrong person who goes to therapy. Think about it, if you lived with a shark disguised as a dolphin you would be confused but the shark's not going to reflect. All of our ex's would be advised to 'take some responsibility' but no, they won't go...remember the famous alien thread. They feel no guilt, the only way to make all your actions ok are to blame the ex for it. You scapegoat the ex, who carries all the blame, then with a clear conscience proceed to act out your fantasies. Neat package.
I feel for you and the whole idea of your ex having a girlfriend. Only recently have I found myself accepting it more, accepting we are not meant to be and he's just someone I used to know (quote by Marshy) and this is my ex's second girlfriend so I've had more time.
PS HRH - don't come all park bench with us: we all know that you have your new lavish bachelor pad in Mansfield as well as your place in London. I think you are just trying to take advantage of a poor middle aged vulnerable divorcee who is down on her uppers but about to come into a small lump sum! Keep talking about wanting to keep warm and we could all turn up at your door! :D
Haway, there will be four of us in a two bed (not including lodgers) so you will have to share. Is this a proposal of marriage? You know I said I will never marry again!
(Plus the kids can be a bit of a handful, are you ready to take them on?)
Eliza everytime I read your posts it reads like some witty journalists column in a magazine or paper . You have a gift for sure 'a way with words ' which always without fail makes me have to read . Not much help I know but could you consider dipping your toe in the world of journalism . You are always advised to look at what you are good at what skills you have and I'm sure many fellow wikis would back me up on this one .
Eliza you have put a smile on my face with your self-deprecating blog title, and the musings on no-strings attached sex. You never know! You're spot on, he needs therapy, so does my STBX, but they won't ever go. Everything they have done reflects their incapacity for honest self-reflection. Why spend money and time talking to some psychobabbler therapist when you are perfect and have just escaped an evil spouse who knew your flaws, had their own flaws too and wouldn't let you have fun?! You know it's this divorce that has ruined him financially, not years of his own incompetence ;)
The issues you are facing are overwhelming; I feel daunted just by the prospect of being a working single mum, without half of the issues you have to sort out. Maybe you could immerse yourself in something escapist for a bit. I just finished watching The Adventures of Merlin DVDs with my kids - it's enjoyable for adults too. ANd remember you are slowly progressing and getting stronger even if it doesn't feel like it day to day. xx