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an end to hatred

A Updated

At first I felt sick, lost. The world wasn't as I thought it was. It had to be my fault. I'd been told that often enough.

I couldn't sleep and then I slept too much. Day and night dissolved into nightmare. I tried to plan the future and, however I did the sums, I couldn't afford it.

The lawyer made it less exceptional. I was angry now. I couldn't forgive the cruelty, lies, deceptions that lasted years, the way I was always held to blame. (Was I to blame?, I asked myself and somewhere, in the back of my mind, I thought it was all my fault.)

Worst of all was seeing the children, whitely unhappy, moving from kindness to mute misery to sudden, flaming anger - at me, at anyone. I thought I'd wrecked their future. If only ... if only I hadn't ... (I didn't know what) ... if only I'd been someone else.

I never wanted him in the house again but he was there, week after week, moving his things, seeing the children, expecting food, expecting drink, asking for cups of tea. Familiar items vanished every week. After a few weeks, he gave me money, irregularly at first. I hated myself for feeling grateful but I needed those notes he counted out. They were the heating, light, gas, the children's clothes and school trips, bills I struggled to pay. After a small binge of spending, I cut back. No newspapers, no cups of coffee with friends, sandwiches instead of canteen lunches. There were birthdays. Christmas was coming. It was up to me.

It never will be easy. I'm more cynical now. It's hard to trust. But I've stopped being angry and learned not to hate.

These things happen. People change. I don't know why. Life isn't perfect and nor are people. But there are good days again - days of brilliant happiness without him. Whatever I lost, I found myself again in the end. He can have his life - I don't want it. I have a better life now: more confidence and a sense that, whatever he told me, I can manage and I do matter. I live in the moment and, just now, it's a good place to be.

I wish him happiness because he's part of my children's lives. Apart from necessary encounters, he's not part of mine - and I'm so glad.

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good on you girl, I'm some way behind you but definitely on the same path. :D
Hope I get to where you currently are emotionally. One day at a time I guess.