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An odd revalation

S Updated
One of the things I have realised from posting replies to the other blogs is that when I split from my wife I lost so much from my life. I know that sounds daft, because it seems impossible to not realise what you have lost. In my case I lost not just my wife and family. I lost the dearest friend I have ever had in my life. In a lot of ways she was the only friend I was wanting. She was the support network for me. When I moved to Dumfries from Glasgow, I didnt know anyone. Apart from work colleagues of course. When I met her after only about 4 months here, I didnt make any effort to make any new friends. I thought I was going to be with this woman for the rest of my days and I was quite happy to only have small circle of friends and my family. Perhaps that sounds foolish, but that was what I thought. This woman was best thing and the most important thing in my world. Now that is gone, I am left with... well it sometimes seems like nothing. OK so I have my job, which is solitary by nature anyway, driving trains means you have to be alone for large amounts of time. I have my house still, until it sells, but when I come home I am alone in a huge house. My family are in Glasgow, so I dont see them. I can only talk to them on the phone. I suppose just not having someone to talk to is the hardest part of all this. That is why I am so grateful to have this website. It gives me someone who will listen and understands.

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Read your blog mate , sounded so familiar all ok at work ,hows things Paul ? oh! yeah fine , it will all work out , i am going to be stronger for this, these things are sent to test us ,worse things happen at sea.Got home the key was in its usual place hidden inside her old handbag , suddenly hit me where and when she used to take it , floored me , how did that happen .
T
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Carly I am afraid my train only goes as far as Carlisle and Glasgow.

But thanks for the offer. Its greatly appreciated.

The funny thing is my STBX lost contact with her friends when we got married. I dont think it was intentional and I certainly didnt force her to do that. She just kind of drifted from them. So I suppose I was her sounding board too. I tried to help and support her as best I could. Then about a year ago she suddenly decided that she should have contact with them all again, go gigging with them, that sort of thing.

That was when things started to go wrong. And once the Andy character separated from his wife and starts sleazing on mine, things got much worse.

The sad things is that I think a lot of her friends are telling her to take me for every penny I have. They see me as being loaded because I am a train driver. Ok I earn £40k a year. A good wage, but I am hardly Bill Gates. The thing is most of them only earn about the £17k to £20k mark. Maybe a touch of jealousy??

Anyway, having done my sums I worked out I can afford to pay £500 a month on a mortgage. With bills etc and maintenance payments I should have about £500 per 4 weeks to live on. Not bad, but not great either. In a lot of ways my STBX will actually have more money than me. Tax credits etc. as she works part time. Though I dont know what will happen when the house sells. The tax credits may vanish if she cant buy a place.

Anyway, that is her problem. She had a lovely house, a good lifestyle and a loving husband. She chose to run off with a recently separated bus driver earning half what I do. Good luck to them.
S
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Can I just add, men are not the only ones to think that their OH was all the support network they needed.

I moved to the Midlands in 1986 to be with my STBX and now I regret not doing more to establish true friendships with all my work acquaintances over those years. I constantly took his advice changing jobs, locations and departments and now I feel so lost!

Each day feels like a life time at times and the only family photo is now on the stairs, so can be avoided by watching where you step.

Annex man is annex man and does as he wants when he wants and I am just an annoyance in his life. He will text the kids rather than me, but such is life. Here's to the next 12 months!!

Stumpy if your train comes my way you are welcome to drop by for a cuppa and a moan!

Carly
O
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Thanks Mitchum. You are right. I do need to build up a new circle of friends. Not an easy thing to do in a town where you know only a few work colleagues. I do have my freinds from my archery club too, and they have been very supportive. But they're all married and settled. I need to get out and find.... Well I dont even know what. But I need to get out.

When I came home today I was fine, not too bothered about things. Then I looked at the living room wall and saw my wedding photo. I just sat on the sofa and cried. Such a small thing as that reduced me to tears. I ended up taking it off the wall. Its not that I dont have good memories, it is just the loss of everything I believed in that really struck me like a hammer blow.

I know I shouldnt let things like that get to me but it did. And I have no idea why. When I see her in the flesh I just feel empty and lost. But seeing a photo totally wrecked me.

Now I have to find out where I get my son from School for Wednesday. I dont even know which door to go to. And when I do I am expecting something nasty to be said. She always seems to say something, usually an accusation about god alone knows what.
S
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I think it's precisely because other wikis simply 'get it' is why we relate so easily to others on this website. No need to explain - we know. If you have lost touch with friends or indeed never made many, how comforting it is when you come home to an empty house to know that for a while there will be someone to share what's gone right and what's gone not so right today!

You do need to begin to build up a group of some real friends though. As you come to terms with the way things are,you'll feel more like getting out to meet people.

Take care of yourself.
M
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[quote] I think one of the roles of the male is to bring fun to every event. To be the fun! [/quote]

Canuck, I am someone who also tries to milk the fun out of a situation - might as well make the best of life and all that.....it's not working for me right now - so perhaps I am not in a situation to comment on this - but - is this not very hard work - and is there not a danger that one is so busy being the fun guy (no mushroom left at the party jokes here please!) that nobody gets to know the real lovely genuine person you clearly are - is there a danger that fun guy hides that honest vulnerability?

Trust me, I am not a person with answers right now - but this was a question that sprang to mind.

sc
SF
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Yes me too. I lost myself in my marriage, house, kids etc. Outside work lost my interests, lost contact with friends or my own friends! And strangely enough as canuck said was a factor in bringing down the marriage, almost a paradox focusing totally on the family rendered me surplus to requirements.

I am different I release my ex was was not my best friend she choked me out of my interests and lowered myself esteem.

What I have learnt never loose yourself in a relationship maintain your interests, your friends and independence. A relationship enhances your life it does not make it. What I realise it not your behaviour or how helpful you are that makes someone like you, it what's they think of you, that means in a relationship just be yourself.

I thought when my marriage ended I did not have any interests but I rediscovered them.

Take care
S
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I identify with this as well. I think it is very common for men to lose themselves in a marriage. To put everything they have into their wife, job and kids. I know I did. This was my fault no one else insisted I do that. But it was a mistake and I think it was one of the key mistakes that took down my marriage.

So now I am working very hard to build new friendships and I am ok at it. It is hard but it is worth it.

I would encourage you to get out and meet new people, do new things and have more fun. Just getting out can feel so good. Be alive! I think one of the roles of the male is to bring fun to every event. To be the fun! That's what I am trying to do but it is hard work and sometimes very tiring.
C
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I know where you're coming from. I've since moved to a whole new city where I don't (really) know anyone. One of the toughest questions that I've asked myself is, 'when all this nonsense happened to me, why didn't I have a support network?' I've got a few friends here and there, but my marriage put a bit of a wedge between them and my wife (also, if truth be told, my ex was controlling me in such a way alienate me from people who could have made me a part of my support network).

Making friends is tough. One of the best pieces of advice I was given was along the lines of, 'don't hold back when it comes to reaching out and connecting to people'. Also, if there are people who don't accept you for who you are, then that's their problem, not yours.

Best,
JJ
J