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Are they laughing at me?

H Updated
Had a really tough day yesterday. Emotions up and down sometimes by the minute. I hate these feelings, from the dark depths to feeling so positive about the future in the space of a few minutes then back again. Felt very alone at work yesterday. The lack of sleep isn't helping my moods. Thinking about Christmas a lot as the Christmas songs start to play on the radio I can't bear to listen to them. Through reading other wikis posts I've noticed that it takes a long time to get over something like this, years. I had that thought in my head all day, am I going to feel like this for years? How many? One? Ten? Forever? It made me panic, made me so sad. I know in the only one that can change that but I think the wrist is yet to come. Still living together gives us all a sense of normality, I think it's going to be a relief and a shock to both of us when it's all done. I'm trying my hardest to think of anything else when the sad thoughts come but god it's tough to snap out of it. Yesterday morning I looked on her school website of the teacher photos of him. I don't know why I did I just felt the need to see him. I wish I hadn't, there he was smiling out at me, I could almost hear him laughing at me and the rage in me was building, maybe it's a man thing but I can't get this out of my head, if I slept with a married woman I would be watching over my shoulder the whole time, he's been in my bed, the bed I shared with my wife and it sinks to the core of a man to think that he's done this and got away with it. Maybe time will ease my feelings but right now I feel like I won't have closure on it until I've faced him, now I'm not violent in the slightest, I've never even really been in a fight, but this is different, this was my family and maybe it's something to do with having little girls when you are a daddy that sparks something inside you. Am I going to let him get away Scott free? Right now I've got no choice, I'll lose everything if I do him harm and my girls mean more to me than my stbx does. Hopefully in time I'll just pity them both. Hopefully, for his sake as well as mine. My daughter wanted me to pick her up from school today, of course I will darling, she's been upset at the childminder. She doesn't like going there very much. Now the days that I'm not working early I pick them up from the CM at about 4 anyway so she's only there for half an hour. I said to stbx can you tell CM I'm picking her up from school, no you're not! Why? She wants me to. I pay her until half 5 if you want to pick her up you can pay me for it! Well I pick her up at 4 anyway I can't afford to pay you. She hates that I can pick her up early while she doesn't pick her up until bang on half 5. Her little way of trying to stop me being a good dad. What really gets me is she knows how much she hates going there, and when the affair was secret she managed to leave work early to meet up with him yet can't do it to pick her own children up. Makes my blood boil. One positive today at least is when she's acting the way she did this morning I don't miss her in the slightest.

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(((Hugs.))) I have been in a very similar situation to you and Vastra and the common theme is that our ex's are so ego-centric they either do not realise the hurt and damage they cause to their children or pretend (to themselves) that it must be OUR fault!
I am divorced now but I remember how tough that 1st xmas was-ex came round and stayed for the meal with the family and it was awful-so false and fake. By Boxing Day everything had gone t*** up and I threw him out.
I thought I would never recover or pick myself up.
But do you know what? I did!
I am further on in the healing process than you ( 5 years)but can reassure you that you will survive this and life will get better again.
I won't pretend it was easy but it is achievable. ;D
T
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Thanks polar I'll try that.
H
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I have a saying which you should ask yourself.

Why am I here? This applies to every area of your life whether stuck in a traffic jam, out in a nightclub at 3 in the morning , arguing with x etc.

The simple answer is ''this is where I am meant to be at this point in time''

Good or bad it fits. It doesn't mean you will always be here but you are at this moment.
P
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Thanks vastra. I know I'll be fine one day but will I ever truly be great? I really doubt it. This isn't how our lives were meant to be right? Life will always be complicated now, kids from a broken home, new partners it's all a bit much to bear right now. I try to not think of the future to much but I'm sure you know what it's like. Can't help it.
So horrible, she would rather let out daughter be unhappy at the CM than let me pick her up from school because she doesn't want me to come across as 'super dad' as she keeps calling me. She thinks me saying with them and making them laugh and happy is wrong? Maybe she should try it someday.
H
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Hiwthi as you know we have a lot of similarities - teacher as the OP, partner always at work and could never pick up kids early - unless it involved picking them up from the music lesson where he would see OW. The teacher in my case was also not in the least ashamed - in fact she bragged about how miserable her lover had been with me, and flounced around in her garish clothes and heavy makeup looking like the cat that had caught the canary, oblivious to the death stares from other parents. It is rotten and humiliating that they seem to get away with it- but one thing I can promise, you will not feel like this forever (though the outrage can easily be stirred up again as you can see!). It will be really tough while you are living together and you have to endure the theatrics and projected guilt, but once you are free you will slowly heal. x
V