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Awful mother

D Updated

I hated myself today. I asked my daughter what had happened about the potential holiday her boyfriend's parents had suggested, in Italy. She said they're going for a week, parents are paying for the accommodation, daughter and boyfriend will have to pay transport. As they're students, funds are limited, so this means they can't come with me on holiday to Cornwall in September, as we'd planned, but not booked.

Despite knowing perfectly well that she'd be daft to turn down a 'free' holiday, that she would prefer a holiday with me, that the idea of a holiday with me only came up when I found a cottage that was cheap but had two bedrooms, so asked if they'd be interested in coming as well, despite knowing the sense of it all, I still felt abandoned, unwanted, and thoroughly upset.

Once she heard me crying, she came to find out why, told me I was silly, and ended up crying herself because I was making her feel guilty. She finally stamped upstairs saying she'd got work to do - so I felt worse because my stupidity is now affecting her A level revision.

I found a friend on Messenger and talked it through. I just needed a bit of sympathy. Then wrote a note on a spiral of paper, apologising, and saying it was a timey-wimey thing (if you don't watch Doctor Who, then you really should, and you'd understand!), and put it on her desk. She returned it, with her reply. So we've 'made up'. I've been researching train and plane fares for her. Looked at a few possible places for me to go.

But it's still upsetting me, and I'm having to hide it. Like I've done all my life - put on a mask and be what other people expect, try to do whatever makes everyone else happy.

I hate depression.

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Italy is a great idea for your daughter - an opportunity she should take. Perhaps you could encourage her to learn a bit of Italian. I did some and it's not hard. But going on holiday on your own may be a great opportunity for you - a chance to throw off your past, be yourself and make new friends. I know depression is a horrid illness but recovery is possible and a new place may be just the thing for you. Travelling alone can be great - look at it as your special adventure - not quite Doctor Who but fewer aliens trying to kill you - those stone angels were a bit much. (And think about how you're going to blog about it all too - it's a good way of making it your special time and place.)
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Then its time to take that mask off Dawn and start doing things for YOU! The last thing i think you need is sympathy, you need to get a life! One that is rosy and full of joy. Everyone around you is doing that! They are all making a life, YOU have to too! Depression is an awful thing, i know i have been there and most people have been there at times too. You say you dont think this is the right place for you either, then you tell me where is the right place if its not here? Is it best to go on more depression chat rooms, where people are all the same, so that you can all talk about what stage of depression you're at? Or is it better to be on a site where people are, or have been depressed and are finding ways to get them selves out of it? You have to take control Dawn, control of your own life and destiny. You're making your kids feel guilty and for what? Your daughter wants to go on holiday, maybe she needs the break. If you could find a way to pull yourself out off that big black tunnel you're in and start to live life with more positivity then all those around you will respond in the same way. When you are in a mood it brings those around you into the same mood. Would you really want your daughter to end up depressed like you? Its not a nice world and i wouldnt want anybody to go through it! Come on Dawn, look at all the positives in your life, im not going to name them because you know what they are! Write them down, read them and re-read them.
Come on gal chin up! :)
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