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Betrayed by my

4phuxache76
Updated
I have written and deleted so many intros to this I can't even count...I have never written a blog, but I figured that if I can write something down and maybe find some answers, then what the hell!!
I separated from my wife of 12 years back in August '16 after a 2 year battle with broken trust, which was the result of a meaningless drunken kiss I gave a girl on a work night out. The kiss came about at the end of the night, standing outside the bar at 3am when we were all saying our farewells to the girl, whom I had worked with for 4 years. When it came to my turn to say goodbye, we hugged and I kissed her cheek and said goodbye. She turned her head and started to kiss me. I didn't stop her. We kissed for a few seconds until my brain kicked in and realised that I was kissing someone other than my wife. I am not making excuses here, but I am really, but I was so drunk, I was not in full control.
Once I realised, I pushed her away and drunkenly and somewhat over-dramatically ran away in disgust at what I had just done.
I got into a taxi and went home. By the time I got home it was nearly 4am, so my wife woke up when I was fumbling about at the door with my keys.
"Where the hell have you been until 4 in the bloody morning?"...I was so nervous and guilt ridden, that I could hardly string a sentence together. I tried to make up some bullshit excuse about getting lost that I must have looked like a complete bumbling idiot. My wife is not stupid...she knew something was not right. She asked what I had done...I told her that I kissed someone and it broke her heart.
The next day I grovelled and begged for forgiveness, praying that she would understand that my stupid drunken asshole brain took over and did something I had never dreamed of doing before...she stayed with me for as long as she could.
From that day on, until the day we separated, she would bring it up in every arguement at any given opportunity.  To the point, I would roll my eyes and think to myself...can I really keep apologising for this for the rest of my life??...to me, she was worth it and I resigned myself to the fact that this was the way it was going to be..., but in August 2016, when we were away for our wedding anniversary, she said she wanted to break up with me as she can't go on living a lie. The trust was gone due to that stupid meaningless kiss....I was devastated.
In the momths following the separation, I stayed in the "mancave", living a semi-separate life...trying to be as normal as we could for the sake of the kids (9 and 16), but it was too much for me to cope with. My wife had turned so cold towards me and would tell me on numerous occasions to go out and date people, just so that I could "move on" as I was still so very deeply in love with her, but she had stopped loving me "in that way".
You could say I was completely naive, but I joined Tinder and Match.com to try and get her out of my head. I have never been so lost and lonely than in those months after the separation. I was desparate for some affection...to feel wanted and loved that I went on a couple of dates in the November and December...nothing more than a couple of drinks and a handshake goodbye...it was so obvious to me that I could not get my wife out of my head, that the guilt of dating kicked in with a vengance. 
Christmas came and went and the New Year came. I went on a second date with a girl and went back to her place. We messed around a bit and I fell asleep until 6am.
I woke up and immediately was full of dread as I knew this was not a good situation. I ordered a taxi and went home.
When I arrived, I could see that my wife was already up for work, so I put my keys in the door....her keys were already in the door and it was locked. With a bowed head, I rang the door bell, only to see my wife come to the door with a look of disgust on her face.
I went into my "mancave" and jumped into my bed. She came in 2 minutes later shouting and bawling at me for staying out all night and showing her no respect. I tried to explain that I had just fallen asleep...as it was...not intentional, but that I was extremely sorry. She said she wanted me out of the house ASAP as she couldn't cope with me being there anymore.
I moved out the very next day.
For the next month I would be living out of a suitcase on the top floor of a "friends" townhouse. I say "friend" because it turned out that she was an alcoholic psychopath with a habit of coming into my room at night and trying it on with me...I had to man handle her out of my room on three separate occasions!!....on top of that, she would have sex on my couch that I brought with me and leave used condoms on the couch for me to find and her dog would leave little surprises for me on the carpet because the poor thing hadn't been let out for days on end....it was a truely awful experience...on top of what was going on in my head with the separation.
I finally got my own flat mid February and everything seemed to be fitting into place. It was somewhere I could call my own home and start to get my life back on track.
All this positivity came to an abrupt end last weekend when my best friend of 20 plus years called me to let me know he was seeing my wife????
All that progress I thought I was making crumbled in front of me as I now had to deal with betrayal and deceit from someone I thought I could trust with my life....let alone my wife!!
I was and still am completely devastated. I knew something was going on for a long time, but put it down to paranoia as how on earth could a close mate that I have known since school stoop so low...let alone my wife.
Turns out that it had been going on for quite some time...even when I was being consoled by him...breaking my heart in front of him crying my eyes out for weeks on end. I have never felt so lost and alone in my life.
To make things worse, they are acting like everyone is crazy and that them being together is being blown out of all proportion. 
I have tried to be the bigger man and rise above it all, as I know in the great scheme of things it is none of my business, but the betrayal is totally eating me up from the inside. It is affecting my sleep, my eating, my emotional state....I just don't know how to cope with it.
I know time will heal my wounds, but does anyone have an answer that isn't a pill, or at the bottom of a bottle?....

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I have read your story over and over, I have also read the kind words of support from our members. Ernest Hemmingway was spot on. We you and I and all the others on this site need to look after ourselves. I really do feel your pain. As for advice I am not the person for that but I can tell you that cognitive therapy is helping me so have a look in your area to see if there are any councillors that can help you. Good luck my friend
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Good advice from Declan, you sound in a miserable place at the moment so yes, you need to think about how to heal.
I am two years down the line after three years of trying to mend the marriage.
Once it has started to show cracks it's very hard to mend them I found and eventually accepted the trust had gone and so had the relationship.
My strongest piece of advice is stop looking backwards.
Every time you go over the events of recent times it's as if you are pulling out the stitches of a half healed wound.
You have to accept what happened did, and decide the only way now is forwards.
Of course it being your friend will hurt but if you are honest with yourself seeing her with anyone would have hurt too.
Set yourself goals, you won't think about her for say an hour, then two, and eventually it will become easier.
Try and immerse yourself in something new and absorbing, whether it be something free like walking or riding a bike, or helping with a charity.
You have done well finding somewhere to live and getting to this point, don't forget how strong you had to be to achieve that.
I hope in six months I read a message on here from you saying life is easier, you have suffered enough now.
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Hi there Fella.

Thats some story of pain and heartache there. I feel for you. Early days fella. Last August you say.Im almost five years on now and life just gets better and better. I feel happy and at peace now.
The stages of grief are there and we have to travel through them. No easy way out. Miss a stage and you end up stuck.
Shock... denial...Madness... depression..acceptance..disengement .. moving on .

Where do you think you are ?.It may be useful to consider where you are in the scheme of things . it helped me ,for then i was able to move quicker once i knew why i behaved as i did. You know some never know and stay stuck , never able to move forwards building a new life.
Do you know, the most excruciating pain comes from overthinking. Took me a while to master that one. I did anything but face the truth. distracted myself so much maybe that was my mad phase.

Your thoughts can drag you down but they can also heal you. No self Mediation required.

you know what if i was to get divorced today ... I would do three important things.

1 immediately inform Ex that i need time and space to heal

2 Spend 80% of my healing efforts on convincing myself that
a its over between us
b that this is not the end, but my new beginning

3 get someone to help me stay on track

Ernest Hemingway was right
quote

the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.

Your relationship was important but YOU are even more important.

Who are you ?
The essence of YOU
You job is to find YOU and preserve that.

The Great guy that you are going to become .And you can and will .
Takes work and time yes. I tell you this though its worth it .

D
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I just read you story and felt your pain.

I don't have advice - but I do have understanding and empathy.

Sometimes you just have to hang on ten minutes at a time.

It's not what you want to hear - you want a pain-killer - I know I did.

But even after all this time it is the best advice I can come up with.

Be true to yourself and your own values - you are the person you have to trust now - these are such cliches - but I think they are the lynch pin of survival.

sf
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No worries. I think its also good to realize that men often feel more isolated than woman who typically have loads of friends to rally round them. Try to avoid too much alcohol (quality red wine excluded!) and get some rest and exercise if you can and don't forget to give yourself a break. Personal relationships are the most powerful thing we have and when separated we really know this and perhaps for the first time. There is a healing journey you are embarking on that is all of your own making. Be strong, be kind and look after yourself. I don't know if there are kids involved if there is they can provide another focus. If not as you say, take all the support you can from friends and family. P.S. You get your weekends back! I got myself a new bike, joined a golf society and invited myself to parties when I felt like it. If you haven't managed to do this yet we must also learn how to be alone again. I literally put a pin in the map, drove and stayed in B&B's with some great books. My bike was on the back of the car.
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Many thanks #RockSteady. It does give some comfort knowing that my pain can be empathised here as sometimes I feel so alone and that no one can truly understand what I am going through.
I have been feeling so much better in the last few days as I am just trying to get on with my own life now.
What's done is done and there is nothing I can do to change that....I am now starting to accept it, which is a huge step for me, but I have support from friends and family, so that is giving me the much needed push to get through this very tough stage in the process.

Thanks again!
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Sorry to hear. Your pain is acute and I know most everyone on Wiki has had a similar journey of their own. It is now time for you to start taking care of yourself. I doesn't sound like there is much room for reconciliation or forgiveness just now. My ex also had affairs and one was with a close friend of mine. My first blog here describes something of my own journey and the hard struggles I had at the start. My life slowly started to come together once I took steps to petition for a divorce. If you have not done this you could start it now. You have grounds and of course its best not to seek out new relationships while you are just starting to rebuild. Build your own lifeboat with family and true friends in it and they will help you.