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conflicting emotions - outside input wanted & needed

T Updated
here we go - 1st blog entry on this, hope its a good one. so today I dropped my eldest off with my wife for a day of fun, she didnt see him at all yesterday so I felt some extra special time was in order. I went to the gym, followed by a swim. On exiting the sauna there they where in the pool, ok so its a little awkward but I jump in and play with them as obviously wanted by my son. we ended up talking. After I gave her the phone back yesterday and she said she would repay by proving my trust she admits contacting the OM. WTF.... our counselling session is on Monday. every other signal I get is that she is wanting to work on us and our issues to build a better future together. I am so confused, conflicted and torn. I have tried to be understanding but told her that if we are to continue as a couple she needs to get rid of him full stop. as a direct request (not order) I have asked her to leave him alone until we have done our counselling and have had more time. I guess my mind says that if she cant do this then there is no point for us to even try, am I being melodramatic or pragmatic? there are lots of other signals I get from her that she wants this to work - i did laugh when she huffed at me organising someone to do my ironing, she said she would have done this. Perhaps I should have consulted before I did it but with everything else going on I felt it would help unburden us from some mundane chores. I have 15 shirts and 8 pairs of trousers to be ironed, given the same dilema I think anyone would have made my choice!{jomcomment}

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i am totally at odds with what I am doing at the counselling with her. she wont speak the truth, scared of saying the wrong thing. she feels like i control her yet she will never make a decision or tell me what she wants so what can I do? when we met she wouldn't answer the phone or door, never mind go out to the shops. I never really got to the bottom of that but thought we had moved past it and now it would appear that she resents the crutch I became for her. she still hasnt committed to the process, well not that I can see or believe, i will give it another go after our week apart to see if that moves things along but i have run out of patience and this is starting to affect my performance at work, noticeably. I need to move on (one way or another). What am I clinging onto?
T
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so its counselling again tonight, this time together. i am incredibly nervous about this and what it will bring, will she finally be open and honest?

having spoken to some close friends I am having to hear and accept some home truths about myself which is extremely uncomfortable but essential, I guess the sooner I can accept responsibility for my role in what led to her making the decisions she did the better. I am no where near forgiveness, forgetfulness or even accepting what she did. that was simply wrong but I do accept that I had a part to play in it happening and potentially a part to play in undoing the damage - if she is willing to work with me.
T
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Hi Again

Sounds like you are having a tough time. I could have strangled my ex when he told our 10 year old son the real reason for him leaving the home. This happened when I wasn't there he was packing his things to leave for the final time. I had to pick up the pieces of a very confused and teary child - how dare he - that mad me so angry. So I can understand your WTF.

Please remember, no one counts in her life more she she does - it will be Me Me Me all of the time - no regard for anyone else's feelings AT ALL. This may be harsh but you will soon realise this and start to realise this isn't about you, there is nothing you can do or say that will make her see what she is doing.

My ex also left our home and wanted to use the car, etc. He still did have a key until very recently. I felt unsafe especially at night on my own. He even admitted to coming to the house at 4 am, leaving the boys at his place to see me - WTF! Or maybe that was just another one of his many many lies. He was supposed to be spending time with them. Luckily I wasn't home. I was staying with a friend that night (had a little too much wine - but that's another story). If you can try and get her to give her keys back. This is your space now, she left and you need to make it your own home. My ex did eventually willing gave the keys back without me asking him.

You are at the very beginning, there will be lots more to come both negative and positive for you. I am 7 months in now from finding out the devasting news we have all endured. Life is treating me well and I am having a bit of fun. As long as my boys are safe and well that's all that matters. I am not over this by a long chalk. Please be aware that she more than likely will try and come back to you, grovelling, pleading, begging, saying how sorry she is.

I hope you can move on. It really does help and the other Wiki's are here are such a source of knowledge and strength.

Thinking of you. Take care xx
H
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i really hate to agree with you all but thats where I am at.

and tonight out popped the psycho b*&^h from hell. in front of our 7 year old son, while I am tucking him into bed and reading him a story she asks me "why did you tell my dad that I havent deleted his contacts" - 1st I didnt, we had that conversation in her mum and dads house perhaps we got overheard, perhaps her dad went out on a limb? 2nd and far more importantly - WTF - why infront of the son, what did she expect to achieve except angst.

next I hand her a letter that arrived for her today, she snatched it out of my hand scratching me, I asked her why so aggressive and pointed out that she drew blood. her mum walked into the hall and she denied it (her mum saw the blood on my hand)

finally she asks to return to the marital home to use broadband to sort car insurance, due at the end of the month. I ask her not to as I am going to the gym but also on the pretense that I want to be involved, its my car to and I am entitled to drive it. I have also been the "deal maker" in the house traditionally, shock horror the huff became more intense, tone of voice aggressive and actions irrational.

i am not trying to be controlling but she doesn't live in the house anymore, i cant trust her and want to be there when she is too. if she feels she can walk in anytime I will have no freedom or rest!

T
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I don't normally post but the best advice I can give is to move on. I truly mean this in the most respectful way possible. Don't, like me, waste any more of your life with such a selfish, entitled person, no good will come of it and you will damage your children in the process. I'm so sorry for you, I have lived all of it and far worse. Focus on you and your children, don't try to rationalize her behaviour, you have no control over it. You are only setting yourself up for more pain. Leave with your dignity, ensure you fulfill your obligations and move on, it's broken, end of.
M
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Oh dear, if only we could shake your wife and scream "wake up this is an empty fantasy!" or even better, detain her under the Madly Infatuated Act and treat her with an antidote.
My ex and OW were adamant it was not adultery because they accidentally fell in love and he had been unhappy. I'm really sorry Terrifieddad, it sounds like she has joined the ranks of the deluded cheaters who not only believe a fantasy person is their path to happiness,and worth hurting their spouse and kids for, but even worse that they are doing nothing wrong. This is such a devastating betrayal from your partner and the mother of your children, but there is probably nothing you can do to make her change her mind.
V
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One shouldn't interpret other people's marriages/break ups as if they were one's own but I can't help but see so many similarities I your case to mine. My ex had some sort of breakdown after being made redundant and his affair was born out of that. It did get physical but was mostly in the mind, a fantasy relationship in which they became star crossed lovers, doomed to love yet be apart. Like your wife he could not (really would not) accept that the emotional betrayal was just as bad as actual adultery.

Words mean nothing. It's actions that count. I think your wife is so deep into her misery that she cannot see a way out except through the fantasy. She is prepared to delude herself rather than turn to the one person who is supposed to support her, i.e. you. One day she will rid herself of the delusion but it will be too late because you will have moved on.

So this is a long winded way of saying that I think this is one of the many occasions on which Haway is right. She has no genuine commitment to you and your marriage. The marriage is dead, all that remains is to bury it.
P
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So she has no respect for you whatsoever.
She seems intent on continuing with the relationship.
All I pull out of this is she wanted her phone back so she could keep sexting him.
She seems to be justifying doing it at every turn.
If she's having phone sex with the geezer,pics of his xxxx all stuff like that is gonna have gone on and continuing.
She's meant to be fecking married end of you know the "forsaking all others" bit.
Quite frankly mate it doesn't sound as if she has any intention of working at the marriage.
If she's justifying it that's obvious she ain't gonna stop.
Really when you think about it it's an indication of how little love and respect she has for you how she wants to be on the end of a webcam with another bloke fecking that's just wrong.
Of course all the psycho babble will be pulled out she's depressed,that seems to be the standard to cover for a woman who quite franklty is just behaving appalingly.
You can bet your boots she's talking to her mates already standard procedure "I feel threatened and intimidated" is the tag line she'll blurt out when she calls the old bill eventually.
Fecking they must all go to the same school.
If she's out the house leave her there, and quite frankly if she's that far gone that she can't see the sex relationship with the other geezer is wrong you might as well save the money on the counselling and use it to pay for the divorce petition.
All the best
HRH x

H
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right - really need input here

tonight she tells me that phone sex, illicit photos and dirty texts are not cheating in her eyes. really???? in my mind it breaches so many taboos set out by marriage. it also gives me concern as to the moral upbringing that she will provide our children.

i didnt react well to that but was on the other side of the room from her - at least 20ft, yes I raised my voice but didnt shout. unfortunately I stretched upwards and she then said "i thought you where about to hit me, how did I know you wouldnt". does 15 years together count for nothing and at least 20ft of space.

other signs are there that a game is afoot and I am being an unwitting victim of a set up,

thoughts?
T
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i also need to watch what I say today as I have sought out legal council to make sure of my rights etc... (pleasantly surprised that all pre-conceptions about the mother gets everything being wrong, so so wrong).

that conversation has mixed up my head, that and I still havent slept well - nearly 2 weeks since I slept for more than 2hrs staight
T
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