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Contemplating debt twinned with loneliness - will I cope?

S Updated
I keep on breaking down with anyone it seems...anyone who shows me the teensiest bit of concern. Perhaps this is to do with the loneliness and poverty of my newly single life. We exchanged our form Es yesterday and I saw his bank statements - a purchase from H.Samuels, many meals out, a holiday with OW. By breaking out of our family, he is saving so much money as we haven't agreed on a proper interim maintenance and he is having fun. My finances are ebbing away and my tiny salary won't be able to sustain us for much longer. He really seems to be in a much stronger position with a good job, living where he wants to and an OW who also has a good job. I want to get back at him by being successful in work and finding myself an OM. My younger daughter put me right there and said he wouldn't care and sadly I think she is right. I just don't want to be the victim in all of this...you know, unable to earn a decent wage, too fat and sad to date, stuck in the cleaning the house that never looks clean syndrome..., grieving for what was rather than getting on with what is. I did some gardening yesterday and that seemed to help...don't know how to cope anymore in truth. Perhaps I should try match.com...it might cheer me up.

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LG - you have no idea how helpful your comment was to me about what he took with him....
B
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LittleGreen, I had to comment because I am grateful to run across your words about him being manipulative, selfish etc. What really resonates with me is when you said, "He's took all that with him."
I
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Thank you dear Wikis. Your words of support mean a lot to me and I take on board the different angles you present - one day I won't even think about him; I need to focus on - nicwin your response was very motivational and enjoy the little things, I think you really understand.
Mitchum I won't be dating and it's true that maybe I seek a man to fix things but he will be the wrong man right now. After reading your comments, I have decided to approach a few companies speculatively for work as money seems to be my greatest anxiety at the moment. I need a little success in my life and I know that I have to create this for myself.
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Hi Stemginger,

I feel for you and understand every thing that you are saying. No matter what you do this " thing " is there 24/7, sometimes when you think that the only thing you can do is small baby steps, seems ridiculous compared to the size of the monster that is attached to you. Every area of your life is affected by what is going on and still there's more to come ( evidence of his life style ), can this " thing " get any worse. The rage, the emptyness, the isolation and the fear, the hurt and betrayal of a person that you care so much for. It's incomprehensible what they put you through.

Recent events in my own life as seen a return of the monster and I feel like I am going backwards. Yesterday my stbx occupied pretty much all of my thoughts. I woke this morning, felt like a ton weight, head heavy and the whole of my chest area crammed solid with pain, hardly any area left for me to breath. Another thought of him enters my head and I see my lungs expand as much as they are able to and I fight for air, whilst my heart pumps fear around the rest of me. What to do, how can I stop this, I don't have any weapons to fight the monster, each attack weakens me , it's winning hands down.

Wrong, it's winning at the moment because I'm letting it. I know what I need to do and that's get away from myself. It's not easy and I am without doubt my own worse enemy.

Someone said to me that the person who is left behind is in a much better position than the one who has left. I looked on, thinking what a load of rubbish. But it's true, we are now in a position to do what we want, to make what changes we want, to understand more of who we are. My reaction to recent events have put me where I am today. But I have learned things this year, things that I can use to make me think differently. My knowledge however is not massive and any news of him is a potential threat. I have been attacked, not enough in the reserve tank to fight it so it's winning at the moment. But, and I think this is one of the most poignant things that I have learned on here. Life keeps giving you the same lessons until you learn from them.

I have learned that my stbx is a manipulative, controlling, aggressive and selfish person. He's took all that with him, he may well be with someone else right now. He will not be exhibiting these behaviours ....yet but they are unresolved issues and they will manifest themselves somehow. Once the newness of this relationship disappears his true character will emerge. We were about 3 years in when it started with us but if I look closely I know I could find snippets of his true character before that. What are my lessons, what do I need to understand. To start with I need to understand him more. He showed signs of a passive aggressive character, I didn't even know what that meant till I came on here and read up on it. I thought , because he told me so that it was me that made him behave like that. Now I know better, but just knowing it is not enough. I have to understand things about me that allowed this s..t to happen in the first place. If I went on match.com now would there be a controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive , selfish person waiting in the wings for me, someone who could give me a right good kicking...a perfect match. I have much work to do

Your stbx, is he an alcoholic, just because he's not drinking now doesn't mean he won't ever drink again. Is it your fault he drinks, absolutely not. What lies ahead of you is massive, sometimes feels impossible to get through but you will even if the steps required to do are the smallest of steps.

I truly understand exactly how you feel, get away from yourself, I don't know how you can manage to do this but it is what's needed.

Sorry I know I've gone on a bit, I hope you can make sense of what I'm trying to say.

Sending you the warmest of wishes

LG xXx
L
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I know exactly how you are feeling it's such a difficult and sad time. you need to start taking control of your life, I know this sounds daunting so start with little steps. My biggest motivation and ultimate revenge was to and still is to make myself and my life the best and happiest that I can and only I can do this. I began by getting fit and healthy. I tried several different methods of this and have found I love running and joined a boot camp where I have made some great new friends along with this healthy eating will make you feel so much better in yourself. I then joined some meetup groups in my area, go on the website meetup. yes it is really nerve racking walking into a room of strangers, but if I can do it so can you. I found the best and easiest way to make new friends was to find a mutual interest, so have a think about things you are interested you would like to try, I love art so that's my thing and by joining a group with this interest in common it's much easier to talk to people. When you take a first step and do something new, give yourself a pat on the back, buy yourself a little treat as a reward it doesn't have to be an expensive one, just something that will make you smile and then move on to the next step. Have you thought about retraining, is there something you have always wanted to try? We'll now is your time, try and think of this time as an exciting journey not a negative one, this is your chance for you to have the life YOU always wanted.
Bofore me and the STBX split I had a very different lifestyle, lovely holidays, a lovely home a flash car (that she drives around in now whilst I drive around in an old banger) but do you know what I don't care because I'm making my life the life I always wanted and although along way off I feel so much happier already.

As for dating , I don't think you sound ready, you seem to be looking to men as an answer to your emotional and financial problems and the sort of man you need and want in your life Won't be interested in that. Put the shoe on the other foot, would you want to meet a man that is dealing with a lot of emotions after a painful breakup or would you want to meet a happy stable person that will bring fun and new interests to your life. I read somewhere 'become the person you want to attract' could your heart cope with more rejection or heart ache, I know mine can't at the moment so I am staying well clear but we will get there in the end. Also have you looked into benefits and what you are intitled to.

I hope I haven't said anything to upset you but as I said only YOU can change your life, so stop thinking about them (not easy I know) and start thinking and doing what you want to do..... Go girl xxx
N
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my eldest daughter said exactly the same to me,he doesnt care,hes not bothered what you do,and its right,you have to do whats right for you,I had a rebound relationship,didnt work was huge mistake.Take care xx
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((((nicwin))))

I know it feels bad, but it's so normal to feel like you do at this stage. You'd have to be made of stone not to feel let down, sad and jealous of the ease with which he's moved on.

I had all those feelings - that they were so much stronger than I was and jointly very well fixed financially, whilst I was terrified of being alone and what I would be able to afford on one person's money. Because the OW was my friend I even knew what they would be doing and which restaurants and holiday destinations they'd be going to. I found the receipts for the diamonds for her. I could even hear her laughter, as she thought she'd taken something from me. Yes, that crazy!

In time it all stops. That demon is silenced. What others tell you on wiki about not caring what they're doing really is true, but it takes time and possibly some counselling to get there. Something has to fall into place in your ability to process those thoughts whirling round in your head. I couldn't have done it without counselling. If you haven't thought of that please investigate the possibility with your GP. A professional can give you another perspective.

Thank goodness for your children. What treasures and how perceptive, but sad that your daughter recognises her father's disregard for your pain.

For so long it feels like you're just treading water but wiki friends will help you stay afloat. Keep those thoughts uppermost in your mind that you want more from life for you and the children and you're not going to be defeated.

Dating sites? Stay clear is my advice! You have a lot of healing to do before you are in a good place. When you're feeling better in yourself with self-esteem restored, that's the time to think of sharing a life with someone else.

Draw back and take care of yourself and make getting on with your life, not getting back at him your number one priority.

I know virtual hugs help, so here are a few more for today. (((())))


M
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This might sound irritating, but you're going to be okay. You will get to a point when you won't compare what he has to what you have. Or I should say, you'll get to a point where you're thankful that someone like this isn't in your life anymore. Him? The OW? They can have each other. You are made for something much more beautiful. I admit I have my moments like this. Now I am planning small steps. They might not be the glamorous life that he has. (Simplicity is a classy thing.) But I have, you have, a richness inside of you that sadly he can never have. I am planning small steps. A job that is suited for me. Not the most highly paid, but one I can like myself for. And you know what? I am planning a vacation for myself every year. My next trip will be a cruise. Be good to yourself and the rest will fall into place.
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