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DIVORCED!

S Updated

Hi all,

I haven't been here for a while and I don't recognise most of the names that are active in the forums so not  too many people will know me when they read this, and that's fine. Life has moved on for me, and it will for you all too eventually. Divorce doesn't last forever despite how it feels at times!

Four years ago I was told I didn't have a future in my wife's life, and after three weeks I discovered her affair, and spent the next three years living in the same house as my wife while she had an affair and I maintained our life style with our two boys.

A few days ago I got my Decree Absolute. I never though it would happen during the many dark days of the past four years. But it finally has. So this blog is a goodbye to my previous life with it's unhappy ending, and a very big HELLO to my new life.

I've seen a few of these blog entries in my time on Wiki, some wildy celebrating, some verging on suicidal, and now my time has finally come too. And it's feeling good, although in my case it's been four years so I've got over most of the emotion of the loss of my marraige and my family life.

My first thought on seeing the Absolute was sadness at the final loss of my dream of a happy marriage, and then a sense of freedom that I have new adventures in a life of my own making once again. It feels good knowing that what I thought was real and turned out not to be has finally gone and I can move on.  I don't have my kids with me enough for me  (alternate weekends and a couple of hours on one weekday evening - how's that for average) but they are close by and I am there for them if they need me. To have my two boys was a big part of why I got married and they will remain the biggest and best thing in my life until the end of my life, even if it is now in a much smaller part - that is simply because I am the father. I've eventually had to accept that, despite many arguments, and I saw on the news today that the law is not about to change to make it easier for Dads to be with their kids if they want to be - like me - that's a disgrace. All I want is to be the best father to my kids that I am capable of, and I'll do that in any way I can. 

I've met some fantastic people on Wiki and they know who they are, some of them in real life too. I could NOT have got through this and understood it so well to allow me to to put it behind me without Wiki, so I want to thank eveyone who runs it and contributes to it, and has helped me on my journey back to real life and happiness again. I was here in the relatively early days so I've seen it grow enormously as many many more people discover it's amazing ability to heal through both giving and receiving opinions, advice and from just sharing feelings from it's members. It's a service that should be recommended far and wide, and long may it continue.  Thank you.

I'll pop back from time to time, but my life is back on a course of my own making with a far greater knowledge of myself and what it takes to relate to another human being in a relationship - and a lot of that is from being on wiki and sharing it all with others. 

Personally I don't believe marriage is the right thing to do anymore but who knows, I may meet someone that changes my mind again. I doubt it though as marriage seems to be an institution that's completely past its sell-by date now to me.

Either way, I've have had my eyes opened and I'll go into new relationships with far more ability to make them work, or to realise if they are not going to work. And that's about real honesty with yourself and your partner, and a willingness to communicate, and not to be afraid of telling your partner the truth of your feelings. Perhaps in our heart of hearts nearly all of us knew our marriages weren't right but we afraid to do anything until it was too late - and one person left the relationship emotionally without telling the other straight out - so it comes as a shock when it finally happens. That's what happened to me, and I wish I had grown a pair big enough to make me say something earlier rather than persist with the fantasy of a happy marriage. Perhaps I did it for the kids, but that's not a good enough reason as it turned out. People do change and fall out of love - but from the inside of the dream of a happy married life, that's hard to take, hence it's a shock to the recipient of the bad news.

People say that being a parent is the hardest thing and it doesn't come with a manual. Divorce is like that too - on Wiki there are thousands of people who are discovering it all for the first time as many thousands have before. It's not new,  but until you get there for yourself you can't imagine it, and with divorce why would you if you were happily married? If there was one thing I would change about the law, I'd force everyone who was going to get married to go through what the divorce process is likely to be like for them from a legal and emotional point of view first so it is not such a shock when you get there, as more than half of people will find out. Isn't that a  shocking number? It kinda makes the marital contract not worth the paper it's written on does it? Committing to a lifetime with one person when you are a human being with human emotions in the 21st century world just isn't practical any more for me. 

One more thing, I did two lots of all-issues Mediation, and that was a real help in sorting out the practicalities at a time when all you can think about is the emotional breakup, and forced us to talk again when left to our own devices we probably wouldn't have. 

So anyway, I've said some of what I've learnt, and if one person out there reads it and finds it useful, I'll be happy. For me it's good to say thanks to Wiki and get a few things off my chest and let you know that there is a light at the end of every divorce tunnel even it it takes a long time to get the Absolute and accept it is over  emotionally. Without doubt life is far far better when you finally get there on both counts - promise!

Good luck, and here's to happy endings for everyone.

Cheers,

Supers 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

User comments

9 comments
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Comment
You have gone through so much you deserve the peace that you have now. Thank you for your blog xx
HF
Comment
Yes, thankyou so much.

I have been in this situation for 2 years at Christmas. So, not one of the new contributors but somewhere in the middle? I feel almost completely out the other side in terms of the dark tunnel you describe. However, you have gone to the next level!

You have kindly shared your reflections with us all.

Your blog was the so good to read, and so beautifully written. Sadbird2 and rasher also looked back, you have all been through so much together.

Thanks again for the hope you bring. May many good things come your way...and all our ways.

P
Comment
Hi, I have never had contact with you. But as the other Wiki's said I just wanted to say well done to you and thankyou for sharing. It gives me a great sense of hope to read peoples positive stories and as mentioned in the various time frames. ( I am nearly two years in and still waiting for the light).
It just gives lots of great hope.

Thankyou
Survive
x
S
Comment
Hi Supers, Ive known you a while Im so pleased to hear your update for many reasons but I also want to thank you for giving new people a positive story but also a realistic time frame. I am over the moon to hear where you are now you so deserve it because you managed your situ with such dignity and a total love of your children. Well done you - much love Rachel
R
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Hey Super!

you and I were active Wiki members at the same time. Its good to know that you're getting on with life. My life had moved on too, and I would also like to let all the newbies on here, that as bleak as it looks right now, things will and do get better.

With the help and support of all the lovely people I met through this website, who I am proud to still call my friends, I managed to get through a traumatic divorce. 3 years on, I have a different job, a wider social circle, a different house, car, everything has changed....it was a chance to make a fresh start - even though it was forced upon me. I am a different person, and I like my life. :)

I wish you every happiness

SB2 x
S
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A fabulous blog - thanks for sharing. :)
JJ
J
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Hi supersub , it's nice to hear that there is life at the end of the tunnel - sometimes the road ahead seems very dark , and almost without hope . . . so its good to hear otherwise.
i wish you a good journey into the future . . .

Benzonar
B
Comment
I too wanted to say thank you supersub for taking the time to come back and tell us relative newbies - that you have 'been there' and it will be ok. I think that is what I will try to hang on to today.

It does mean and enormous amount to here that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And like you, I cannot thank those who set up and manage wiki enough.

Take care and good luck going forward. sc
SF
Comment
Supersub, so nice to read your account of what you've come through in the last fours years.

An amazing blog. First of all it's great to hear that you're able to move on at last but I know your reflections are going to help so many people who are struggling to piece their lives back together at the moment to realise that they will move on eventually.

As you say, it's sad and infuriating that the gov have failed to take the initiative which turned out to be a step too far for them and several paces backwards for fathers. There just wasn't the will to face the reality of what's happening to thousands of families and our children will pay the price. Don't want to get political but so many Dads struggle to stay in the lives of their children, it was time for action; well done for being so determined. Sadly some may be overwhelmed and give up.

Your reflections on what wiki has meant to you are a mirror image of how it's helped me and thousands of others, so you're right to say it's a tribute to the founder and to the volunteers who put so much into keeping it here for people going through divorce with its many facets.

Be assured that your blog will help many to see their way through the disintegration of their lives as they knew them and give them hope that they too will emerge from the 'divorce tunnel' alive and well on the other side.

Have the best life you can; be a superdad and be happy.

Mitchum x



M