As I have though about this a lot, as I suppose a lot of you can see, I have thought about trying to save what is left a lot. Please read this and give me a honest opinion. It actually comes from a councellor. ....................................................... One of the greatest urban myths about marriage is that it "takes two" to make your marriage work. Don’t believe it for a second! That myth has destroyed far too many marriages. Don't let it kill yours! This logic applies to dancing, business deals, and other activities, but simply does not apply to marriage. Marriage is different. Marriage is not a give and take relationship, and was never designed to work like other relationships. When you understand marriage scientifically, you realize it only takes one determined spouse to make your marriage happy and healthy. This doesn't mean that one person becomes an abuser or abusee. It means you understand the principles of marriage and can use them effectively. All other relationships require constant cooperation, and an equal or fair level of effort from everyone involved. That’s what makes them work. They are based on what you have to give and what you get in return. But not marriage. Marriage is not a “give and take” relationship. Even though it may appear like other relationships in some respects, marriage is different. Marriage does not require both of you to be working at it equally. You just need do your own part, regardless of your mate’s efforts. Sometimes your part needs to be much greater than your partner’s. If that is the case, then do it. It’s just your turn. No time limits or expectations. Just do it. Your relationship is like two people building a bridge from opposite sides of a river. If only one person builds the bridge, it still gets built. Only one of you needs to adhere to the principles of marriage in order to improve your relationship. Have compassion for your spouse. Nobody is at their best all the time, nor at their worst all the time. Every person has ups and downs, and we cannot predict when someone is going to be spiritually, psychologically, or physically ill. We all get caught with our pants down sometimes. As a spouse, you have to accept this. You have to do your part to express unconditional love with whole-hearted effort! At least to the best of your ability. When one is doing all they can to save their marriage, even if the other is just hanging in, waiting to see what happens, the effort made by one will make all the difference. Even in relationships where one partner is “over it,” we have seen remarkable recoveries that turn into incredible marriages. You can do it, too! Don’t give up! Do your part to the best of your ability, without expectations of your spouse, and we will show you how to improve your marriage and your life.
I would say my marriage was very one sided. I would have done anything and did put up with an awful lot from my stbx, as many of us wiki`s have. At the end of the day he wanted something different. I forgave him many things but what good did it do me. He left when everything was sorted. Children left home, finances enabling him to afford to go. I was just one span across his river.
I genuinely think it does take two to make a marriage but both partners have different roles to play within the marriage.
At the end of the day when one person decides they dont want to be in that relationship any more, you can delay it but you cant change the outcome.
A postscript to my post above - please don't think I mean you should avoid all counselling. Talking to a professional one-to-one helped me most when I was struggling to come to terms with things. The important thing is to talk to a real person, not an internet resource. Mine was a recommendation by a friend and I can honestly say she was amazing. I didn't always immediately understand her advice and it would take maybe a day or so before I could see how it made sense. It really is about you having a dialogue in an ambient, peaceful setting with someone trained to listen and respond.
Your GP can recommend a counsellor, although there may be a waiting list. As you work away from home, the nearest Relate centre would be a good place to start. They can help to repair a relationship or help you to cope with letting go. You can attend alone, it doesn't have to be as a couple.
If you can find a centre for Divorce Recovery Workshops (DRW)you may find that suits you. I did the six week course and I found it helpful talking to others in the small group situation. It was run by volunteers who had done the course previously. There was a small charge towards room hire and refreshments.
Your employer may have provision for counselling, although you may prefer not to reveal your circumstances. Check their Health and Safety policy.
You still have wiki of course, and we're open all hours and free!
We care very much about other wikis getting through the dilemma life has thrown at them, so you can talk to us too, because we care.
How do you "understand marriage scientifically"? I agree with Mitchum, none of this makes sense. The fact that it comes from a counsellor gives it no more credibility... counsellors come from all sorts of backgrounds and may have no training or experience in marriage counselling. Sorry to be blunt but we like to keep it real here on wiki and not peddle in false hope.
You can't build a bridge if there is no person on the opposite side of the river, the river has dried up, the principles have evaporated and your left standing in the middle of a desert on the dark side of the moon!
I'm interested in the comment: "don't give up". I think after your spouse pulls the ejector seat following a long time of being on the receiving end of the strangest behaviours imaginable including multiple affairs, neglect of family, children, friends, health and tonnes of verbal abuse .. etc. etc.. a person is entitled to throw in the towel if they simply can't stand it any more. There are no rules, no comparisons that can be made about the "special" nature of marriage if a person goes gaga on you and makes it ALL about them ... My life has improved immeasurably now that its all over. ;D ;D ;D ;D
I thought marriage was all about sharing,good times and also the bad...being there for each other and supporting each other.
Also a biggie for me is respect,and respect comes in different forms,and most of us belong to wiki because someone lost respect for us..its as simple as that,so that's where we have to take the initiative and respect ourselves !!!