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Feel so guilty

X Updated
Had a row with Stbx tonight , both of us had had some alcohol, same old topic , how I have never made him happy, how it's all my fault, how the love for his new gf is the first time he has felt like this ever, how it will last forever, but he still won't move out. I was going to go to bed, but something flipped and I ended up throwing something at him which hit him in the eye. He then took himself off to A and E , 5 hours later he has come back with a scratched cornea, I have not slept at all and I feel so guilty for losing it and causing an injury, I keep thinking how bad it could have been/ could be . I seriously think despite the wise wiki advice I will have to move out for my own peace of mind. Either that or stop drinking:) not sure which would be worse.

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Xargle,

UnFortunately he has two eyes.

Sorry that should have read fortunately

It happens try getting poked in the eye by an excited toddler flying toy aeroplane,it stings,smarts and is uncomfortable for a few days but no way as uncomfortable as your stbx is making the situation he's a p ick and has had one, don't feel guilty anymore,I'm a pacifist but they know how to push the buttons he pushed yours relentlessly.
Don't move out and don't stop having your occasional glass or two of wine.

(((S)))
E
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I'm glad you threw something at him. Congratulate yourself perhaps he'll get the message and move out.
P
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Xargle, I really feel for you. That is extreme provocation you are under. Don't move out now when you are feeling so emotional about what happened - you are likely to make a wrong decision. Let it all settle and then after a month or so, think about it again. In the meanwhile promise yourself this will never happen again. If he starts on about OW walk away. You are not going to hear from his mouth anything helpful or useful to your recovery.

At the moment you feel shame and like the underdog. He is probably thinking a scratched cornea is a small price to pay to give him an upper hand.

Don't get this all out of proportion.

Nige
N
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Xargle that was unnecessarily cruel and extreme provocation to tell you about his other relationship in such detail. Don't engage with him on any level other than purely business from here on. I did 18 months in the same house as my ex and you'd have to be a saint not to lose it at times. My ex said similar about OW being the love of his life - they're no longer together.

He may think twice before gloating in that way again. Stay safe. Walk away. xxx
M
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Xargle

I am a fine one to talk as I like a drink as much as anyone but have to agree with what others have said. I now only drink in moderation when she is about, I do have one to many when alone, to stop me driving to where I think she is, or with close trusted friends. Alcohol and emotive situations are not good friends, most of us have said or done things we regret when under the influence and the other person often has a different recollection of what happened.

You are deeply remorseful for what happened and I am glad there does not appear to be any long term damage. He should shoulder the blame equally, if not more for what happened, people know what buttons to press when we have had a drink and then we appear to be the guilty party. I have been in your situation many times with many people but now know not to drink when around these people, it p****s them off no end when you don't react. I must say that I never get physical but often say things I regret. One delightful character even used to put a double vodka in my beer as they knew it had a bad effect on me, I now don't drink or buy my own when in the vicinity of this person.

Please don't beat yourself up about what happened, it occurred, there is no lasting damage so time to move on. I don't think you need the intervention of AA or any group like that but if you are having counselling then it may be ideal to discuss the event with your counsellor, he or she may suggest coping strategies.

To stay or go is a personal decision, could it be he put you in this situation to force your hand, but the financial ramifications are dramatic. Could you cope if he moved another woman into your house as he could argue you have left. This could lead to more confrontation and it sounds like he is a classic manipulator so could play this card.

Stay safe my friend
DIAH
D
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Thanks for your concern I had not had a lot to drink, maybe half a bottle of wine , he had had considerably more. I don't drink every day or in much larger quantities but it is true that alcohol suppresses your inhibitions, which is why I have made reference to it.
This morning he is behaving as though nothing has happened, he seems fit and well, so I suppose I am grateful for that.
X
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Don't move out.
Don't stop drinking.
Stop talking to him. That's what wound you up.
Remember.......... I am always right.
All the best
HRH x

H
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The way you phrase this kinds as though you have an alcohol problem? Do you? If so seek help.

As for moving out - the standard advice is not to do so. I did. It was the only way I could preserve my health. Financially it has been an expensive choice. I pay a fortune in rent and when I retire will not have enough money to pay rent and eat. It means he has no incentive to sort out selling up. I am stuck in a small flat with o proper storage and feel that I am camping out. If I were settled I would be joining local organisations/clubs but it seems daft to do so when I could with any luck be moving on at any minute.

On the other hand I don't have to deal with the rat on a daily basis. like that tv ad says, priceless.
P
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Xargle, you sound full of remorse and shame and it is clearly all very painful.

Not sure what to advise re moving out (I hear all the advice on the subject, but I'm not sure I could stand living together, and i never had that choice myself).

But you know yourself that the drinking isn't helping. I am drinking more than I used to, and I recognise very well that feeling of wanting a drink or even another. If I manage to refrain I do always feel better for it. Less guilty, more clear headed. I would say, take it one day at a time. I have no experience of AA myself but I know people who have found it very helpful, not only with their drinking, but as a very supportive environment to air all kinds of issues. Also AlAnon, to deal with your partner's drinking and your feelings and reactions. My x is not an alcoholic, but in my search for answers to what has been going on with me and why, I have been deeply shocked to realise that I am what they call 'co-dependent' and I believe this is a major issue that AlAnon deals with.

See if you can avoid drinking just one evening when you would otherwise. Treat yourself to some other thing (I find bitter lemon a good substitute, or elderflower) and see how it goes. If you feel better, remind yourself the next time and try again. And maybe try to get support from others. It's worth a try, but just set yourself a small target so you don't set yourself up for failure. Even just alternating with non-alcoholic drinks.

Sorry if I sound preachy - I have been struggling with similar issues, so maybe I am really preaching to myself. Good luck!
E
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Hello Xargle
As we humans know alcohol not a great bedfellow in heated discussions.
But unfortunately, as we are human, we lash out when in pain or under attack. It sounds as though he got 'the knife in' too, with his cruel words, but ultimately no one is a winner.
For your own sanity and safety for all, (you probably don't need telling) you must do something, seriously, to help prevent this situation ever happening again,
Take care ((( )))
C