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Finally the end has come

X Updated
So finally my ex has passed away early this morning , how do I feel? I'm not sure how to feel, in some ways I feel very sad, I also feel numb at times. I feel in a very strange place, feel like I've been widowed, but not so because we are no longer married. There are things I don't feel I should be part of, such as arranging his funeral, executing his will, but as my sons are doing this it's hard not to want to get involved, but trying to step back a bit. I went with our sons to see the body today, I'm glad I did, he looked old and tired, but at rest and I was pleased to be able to support the boys. Am I free from him, I suppose I never will be completely , and maybe I shouldn't want to be, he was part of my life for 40 years, but I have moved on. They say the worst things to happen are a breavement, divorce and moving house and I have now had all 3 within a year. Let's hope that I can now move forward.

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Carly, it's good to hear from someone in a similar position, luckily mine was not in a long term relationship so our sons will inherit his estate, I did suggest we didn't go through with the decree absolute, but he would have none of it, I don't think he thought he would ever die, so I have had a percentage of his pension , but no widows pension. On the other hand as its a police pension, I would have been preclud d from remarrying or cohabiting without losing the pension, so I think it was the right decision.
I found the funeral yesterday emotional, but a form of closure, I know it will take time to heal completely x
12 months ago I was in your position.
He told me Jan 2015 he had months to live, I'd seen him in town in Nov 14 and told him off for not keeping in touch with his children or grandson who I happened to have with me and asked about his health as he had lost so much weight. Sadly he died June 15, never got to see his grandson's first birthday nor his daughter's 24th. Was in hospital for his son's 21st.
OW banned me from seeing him several times - because it was "her time and they'd planned to retire together".
All that aside, I got some of his ashes and took them and scattered them at his favourite place in Australia.
I've bought a house and am using the trades men he asked to look after me. I also got his work's pension as he asked me to stop the divorce. OW got her share of our house sale from him, but £50000 went to my son & daughter from his share.
I told myself my currently rented house would be my healing home.....
I hope to move to my forever home in 3 weeks and I know he would have loved it - a bungalow with an amazing garden.
All I can say is, regardless of all the rubbish I put up with last year and the 3 years before, he still was looking out for me.
He passed away on 8th June 2015, I signed for the house 7th June 2016 and got they keys 10th June 2016. (Spooky).
You will get there, it takes time and belief in you.
Carly xxx
Sorry to hear this Xargle. The death of someone with whom you had a very mixed or unresolved relationship is said to be harder than if you had a very positive or negative relationship with them, so don't feel bad if this hits you harder than you expected. You're doing the right thing supporting your sons, they have lost their dad, but it will be a very sad time for you too. X
Very sorry to hear that you have all these mixed feelings. It's like losing someone twice ?
I don't know what to say, but glad you felt the need to support your sons, and that your X looked at peace.
When you have been with someone that long , I know , I had been with my stbx since I was 15 44 years in all
You can't just shake off all those years. I'm sure you will move forward, you did what you felt you could do.
Big hugs xxx