So I'm really struggling at present only five days in of being told "I don't love you like that anymore". So thought I would document this for anyone else who unfortunately may hear those words themselves. We would have been married for 19yrs this year and have 2 beautiful children. I had my suspicions that my Hubby was not telling me the whole truth regarding his regular Saturday nights out, golfing days & holiday with the Boys abroad. So a couple of months back I asked him if he was seeing another woman, as he was acting out of character, glued to his phone in the supermarket, long periods spent of Facebook; etc etc, to which he denied, however he did said he was chatting to someone; who was a friend and she was in a relationship herself; so a i was a little jealous but thought ok I can deal with that! However on Monday when on Annual Leave from work with nothing to do but reassure myself that I was once again being stupid; if not just a little jelous.....I had a look a look on his FaceBook to find out that he has been obviously chatting frequently to this woman, who turned out to be the Sister of one of his Golfing Buddies (this was never mentioned previously), several posts on; I found out when he was late home on New Years Day after being out New Years Eve he had been with her as something had happened to her car, and that she had been to Portugal the same time as him; again which he had failed to mention when asking me if I minded if he went. So that night when he came home I asked the question again, as you can imagine I was really upset as felt I had been lied to. He continued to deny he was having an affair, so I went to bed in floods of tears. When he came to bed I told him we needed to talk and he uttered those devastating heart shattering words "I don't love you like that anymore, and things have not been right between us for 2 - 3 years". In that moment my whole world stopped revolving, I felt the last 2 years had been a lie. I will go onto say that we have had problems before, & I have suffered with Recurrent Depressive Disorder for years and have been admitted once, and since then have been on a cocktail of meds; so I have not always been the life and sole of the party and more of a home bird, where I thought I felt protected, safe and comfortable. The meds I take have also made me go from a size 10 up to a 20 and I always felt that I was not attractive, so preferred to stay in, thats why I was happy for him to have friends and go out and enjoy himself, I was happy and felt that was the right thing to do. So I got up on Tuesday and went to work, only to have a complete meltdown and have to come home, in floods of tears whilst having several panic attacks that day. He text to say he was on a night away (due to his job; which is the normal run of the mill). So I sent him a text to tell him I could not and would not tell the kids myself and that we needed to do it soon, because it was obvious from my behaviour that they could tell there was something seriously wrong. Had to go food shopping Wednesday morning after the bomb shell; as no food in the house and cried all the way round the supermarket didn't know if I should still buy for all of us or just me and the kids, everywhere I looked it was all about him, the food he likes the cakes he eats the clothes he wears. It was an absolute nightmare! Also had a complete breakdown at tea time and sat on the kitchen floor sobbing whilst having yet another panic attack because I broke a dish and the hoover was blocked, the youngest had to come and sort me and the hoover out. Funnily enough on Wednesday night he was home uncharacteristically early, we sat for a while, he talked I cried for most of it, and then he sat the kids down and told them that we were having problems and that he would not be coming on a holiday which we always took at this time of year. The eldest appeared to take it all in his stride, whilst the youngest was upset at the time, but tried to brush it off for me. I went to bed then, could not stand to be near him, and cried myself to sleep. He came to bed that night and left early the next morning. So still off from work on Thursday i sat with the comfort of my Mum in tears one minute wanting to kill him the next and wanting to plot revenge on her, then in denial thinking things would work out! No communication took place on Thursday night as went to bed the minute he walked through the door; again in floods of tears, with no food. So on Friday because all verbal communication had completely broken down I sent him an email and I asked him what he wanted did he want me to fight for him or let him go. Again I sat there bargaining with myself that it would be ok; and he would have thought about what he'd said and apologise. it took him ages to reply and when he did there it was in black and white, it wasn't me it was him, he was sorry he had been discussing us with another woman didn't mean to hurt me blah, blah. He also said that with that in mind he wanted a break for a month or two so he could sort him self out, however he did gracefully say if I could not live with that he would understand! So more tears. continually re reading the email over and over again, looking for solace on here, wanting to know I am not alone, and it seems most unfortunately I am not, which stinks.... Thankfully or by choice he did not come home last night which was probably just as well!, and when he rung I refused point blank to talk to him, don't know if thats childish or not, in some respects I feel its the only control i have at the moment. However at this moment it is now 14:57 and I have not cried once today, I have even been and told my youngest son's god father who is like a second father to me and the kids what has happened, and still no tears, in this moment I am proud of myself. Not sure what he is doing tonight, I am sure he will be going out drowning his sorrows and once again find the need to do a complete autopsy of it all with his new best friend (now that was childish!), which will leave the kids all day again on a Sunday without there Dad once again; just when they really need him! Saw GP yesterday, signed off from work for a fortnight. So I have now got to pull myself together, and when I come back from the holiday, which Mum & Dad are now coming on for support, life will and must carry on. I will try and keep this blog up because I feel that it may be important for my recovery. So for today I sign off and God Bless to you All and lets see if I can make 24hrs without crying (I doubt it, but you can live in hope)!
Hi Need a Friend, welcome to Wiki and sorry to hear your story. It's a familiar script - spouse is distant and secretive for a few months, history gets rewritten as "I've been unhappy for years", "I love you but I'm not in love with you"... this plot always involves someone else as you have discovered. Cry as much as you need, you're allowed to be devastated. It took me months before I had a tear-free day and I was lucky to be on leave when it happened as I wouldn;t have been able to work the first few weeks.
Your husband is behaving very badly, his focus will all be about his right to have fun and be happy, you can bet he isn't giving you or the kids much thought. You need to stop worrying how he's feeling and focus on you and your kids. Great to hear you have the support of your GP, family and friends. X
Hi Need a Friend, welcome to Wiki and sorry to hear your story which is so familiar to us. Cry as much as you need, it took me months before I had a tear-free day. Your husband is behaving very badly, his focus will all be about his right to have fun and be happy, you can bet he isn't giving you or the kids much thought. You need to stop worrying how he's feeling and focus on you and your kids. Great to hear you have the support of your GP, family and friends. X
Great blog Need a Friend - keep posting like this as it's a good release. Say whatever you want.
If you need to cry, do it, it doesn't matter where you are. I walked around crying continuously at first, at the supermarket, in the street. I didn't care who saw me. I was red faced most of the time, big puffy eyes, colour drain out of me, but I didn't care. Then one day, you think stuff it and begin to look after yourself. I found a motto on line that said "get up, get dressed, make-up on and show up" - this is how I got myself to work everyday. Many of us were signed off by our GP's in the early days, but I soon realised I needed to get back to work, and I think it saved me as I needed routine back. Don't get me wrong, I was still very fragile at this time, but my kids kept me going too.
I remember crying because I burnt the toast, it felt like the end of the world, I laugh at it now because my former self was a strong, independent and confident woman, and I am half way to finding her again, like you will.
I second Afon's recommendation of reading Runaway Husbands, it's a real eye opener. You may also want to search online at some point in the future for self help - there lots out there.
Please remember this is nothing to do with what you have and haven't done, though your ex may make you think it is. It's all about him and his feelings, our exs turn very selfish at this point. I remember mine being all Me, Me Me - in fact he still is.
I'm a little over 2 years into this process, it's taken many ups and downs and twists and turns to get here. You probably believe that you will never make it, please believe me you will and will be stronger because of it.
Take each day as it comes, if that's too much, do it hour by hour. It's great you have the support of your parents who no doubt will be invaluable to you.
Ya know, I'm a great believer of everything happens for a reason - you will I am sure find out your reason at some point.
Keep blogging, keep posting, it's therapy in itself - just say what you think and I am sure you will get massive support.
Take Care - hope the sun is shining for you today
Hey well done you,you have written your blog and with great detail.When I was at the same stage as yourself,I could not even write my own name,let alone anything as good as this....
Right your at the beginning,so feelings will come and go,they fluctuate so much,you feel your going insane,and that is perfectly normal.
It is good that you have support around you,and use it,because those special people need to know exactly how you are.
You will be given loads of advice from wiki's,people who have walked a similar path to yourself,some of it will be relevant for you,some of it won't,just take what you need.One thing I will say is get the book Runaway husbands by Vikki Stark (relevant for men also)
I had this book at the beginning of my journey,and read it,and it helped,but just over 4 years for me,and last week a few days off work,I reread it..Wow,what a revelation,this time I totally took it in this time,and found things out about Twonk and his personality that I never knew before....I promise you it will help...
You mention that you had a few problems with your health,hey girl don't go blaming yourself for anything.depression is horrendous,and a battle on its own.This is down to him,and his inability to behave decently,but thats another story...
so for now,just try to relax,lick your wounds and know it will get better...
Stay strong hun,we are all here for you,