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Getting worse

N Updated
I have always had problems with my son, he has a terrible temper and i have tried everything to work out why, what am I doing wrong, get him help, and actually things had improved a lot. however the last couple of weeks his attitude has gone down hill again, probably since we moved house actually. we have moved into a new, smaller but nice home and I'm doing my best to settle us in and get unpacked but it takes time as I'm sure you all know. every night he comes home and starts ranting at me about something, usually todo with the house. I have been patient and tried to explain things, last night he deceided he wanted to bring his bike into the house! I told him no and explained why and told him I would get a cover for it until we clear the garage but he carried on shouting at me saying he was bringing it in. I made it clear that if he brought it in then I would take it away the next day and he wouldn't get it back until his attitude changed. he brought it in so I took it away today and have stored it in my mums garage. When he discovered it was gone he went mental, screaming abuse in my face, pushed me in a corner, swearing and smashing things up, demanding his bike back. I stayed calm, stood my ground and explained he would get it back when his behaviour changed, so now he has stormed off, saying he was leaving home and never coming back among other things. it's happened many times before (never run away though) as I said I have tried to get him help but there is just nothing out there. it must have something to do with the move and him feeling unsettled, but what do I do? I phoned his dad, but all he said was, "he'll come back and then started having a go at me about the divorce, what a surprise no help there My daughter was terrified, shaking and crying in the corner. I'm tempted to tell him he will have to stay with his dad, he can't continue to be so abusive to me. But I'm worried about the care he will get from him and OW, the shouting and bulling attitude comes from his dad (not the aggression ) it will also have financial implications on me (less tax credits and maintenance). Help???

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Glad to hear things calmed down and especially good that your ex backed you up, what a relief, the last thing you want is to be played against each other.
Moving house is super stressful for everyone and you are doing so well to be almost done after 2 weeks!
V
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Thankyou so much for all your help, son is home safe he went to his dads who actually backed me up and told him he wouldn't be able to have his bike in his either. I will get a cover today but I did feel I had to stand my ground on this one as his attitude since we have moved has been getting worse. acting as if he is in charge talking to both me and daughter really badly and very moody and demanding but won't do a single thing to help me. I made it very very clear to him that I did not want the bike in the house and I explained why and he just ignored me. I do get your point of picking my battles and actually I think I am very easy going on him, but there is a line. he is 14 and has always had anger problems, I have taken him to anger management, tried All kinds of ways of handling him and consistently, looked at his diet and tried alternative therapies, I find shouting and punishments don't work and even last night , being screamed at in my face and pushed around physically I still stayed very calm and told him his bike was safe and he would get it back when he stopped this nightly tirade of shouting. It is so hard, I can't move stuff from garage as I'm waiting for loft to be insulated at the end of the month, and I'm not going to start decorating until everything is unpacked, nearly there but it's been less than two weeks so feel I'm doing really well.
N
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You don't say how old your son is but whatever the cause, the display of anger was excessive. If it's a frequent occurrence and he's at school still perhaps you ought to have a word at school as they can access support you may be unable to. For everyone's sake these angry outbursts have to be dealt with or life is going to become intolerable. He's probably feeling just as confused as you are and has no idea where the anger is coming from. He's possibly angry with his Dad for not being there and you get it because you are.

My knowledge is sketchy, but there is such a thing as 'anger overload' and it's the kind of scene where the person is so caught up in their anger that nothing can distract them. It's more than the occasional flare up which is temporary and quickly forgotten. If you feel it's that serious, try to get help.

I hope your son is safe and calm has been restored for now. xx
M
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I think you had a right to say no bike in the house, especially if you were offering to buy a cover. The pushing and yelling and smashing things is totally unacceptable, you don't want to reinforce that's how he gets what he wants. But I really feel for you with how upset your kids are and how useless and uninterested your x is. Mine have been so disruptive and snappy with me, they are very active boys and we now live in a unit with a cranky old man beneath us who has made complaints about our noise and tells my boys off for playing handball in the car park. Its a tough thing adjusting to unwanted separations and moves, but you can't tolerate your don bring violent, you need those firm limits and maybe he should go live elsewhere for a while.
V
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And how was your STBX treating you? If he never shown you any respect, why would your son?
I personally wouldn't send him away. Whatever he is, i made him, i'll deal with him.You want your bike in the garage? I don't have time to clear the space now, but you're welcome to do it, then you'll have the space.
It's hard though, but stand your ground, respect him and his opinion.
J
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Hi there, hoe old is your son? I can sympathise honest 2 teenagers so been there got the t-shirt. 8)

My youngest has a terrible temper, (had - it's a bit better now), I'm talking holes in walls, broken doors & thrown items. It got worse with the divorce (luckily we did not have to move) but it was still terrible for at least 18 months whilst the divorce was going through. He had anger management & then we had family & parent counselling (XH completely unaware & son wanted to keep it that way). The relate young person counselling really helped my son - you could give them a ring (it was free).

In some respects Haway is right, you need to pick your arguments - you have an angry confused young man, not sure how old your son is but if it's the 13-15 age bracket there is all the hormones on top of that. In his eyes (& I know this is hard) from his point of view you've (for whatever reason) left his dad (I know that is not the case - OW/ X leaving etc etc but your son doesn't want nor need to know all the ins & outs) - & if like my son he will kick out where he feels safest & that's you so it doesn't matter what actually happened - you get the fall out, & to top all that you've moved him - this is all from the 'I'm the only one that matters in the world teenager point of view'.

So as Hway says, pick your arguments, I found grounding as a teenager doesn't work nor does the punishment line - I go for more the talking, compromise line. It doesn't always work & sometimes I want the 'because I said so line' :-) but it makes for a better life for all of us overall.

Stay strong JJx
F
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You won't like this advice.
You should've let him bring his bike in the house.
Not stood on the I said no .It's a point of principle.
That bike is his transport.He wanted to keep it safe. To him that bike is the most important thing. In his head you've made him move to a shxtty little house that he can't safely keep his bike in without it getting fecked up outdoors. Just because you say so. He don't agree with your logic. He gets frustrated and then he lashes out. it ain't rocket science. He don't care about that eventually he can keep it in the garage.He doesn't want his bike fecked up now. I wouldn't want to leave my bike outside.
Women always go for the confiscating punishment sxxt as well. That aggravates the teenagers as well.It never just gets left at that you've had a row and that's that. It gets carried on after with these punishments. It doesn't make them alter their personality it just adds to resentment.
All the best
HRH x
H
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Hi nicwin, my son is 28 and has always had an awful temper, i have always worried where I went wrong, but I guess its Just who they are, I really struggle with him still, tell him he needs anger management, every one is always wrong its never his fault etc, if I was you I would send him to live with the STBX, yes I know it will effect your benefits , but my god your life will be so much better with out having to cope with all this grief, and also will give your daughter some peace, it does not need to be for long, just enough time to give you some peace, your ex to know what your dealing with and your son to realise you are their for him and he needs to change his ways. take care.
Hx
H