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Going mad with being left with the teenagers and no communication with stbx

S Updated
Very bad day today. Perhaps it's because it was a Sunday and I heard via daughter no 2 (18) that her Dad is on a walking holiday with his OW. His OW happens to be an old friend of mine which makes it worse so I can picture them together. He has so clearly replaced me and just wants to get shot of his financial responsibilities as this blog will reveal. The girls are going to visit him tomorrow in his new town for the first time. It will be five months since he moved away. He denies co-habitation as his OW lives in the area with her husband and three children - a very strange set-up. He is denying co-habitation so a third party's income is not brought into the divorce proceedings. I think what made it worse today is that no-one wanted to pay for the train tickets down to his new town. As the trust has broken down, the girls and I didn't want to buy the tickets as we suspect he won't give us the money back. He has repeatedly asked one of us to buy them and he will reimburse that person. We have been wondering why he couldn't transfer the money earlier this week. It led to a text rant by him about how I am bleeding him dry (he paid me £500 this month - one ninth of his monthly income). He ranted about the fact that I won't accept his reasonable offer of 50% of the house and no maintenance despite being married for 20 years and my earning one eighth of his salary. I am worried that he will poison my girls against me over the next two days or be the "well" one, full of happiness because he is in love with my old friend and living by the seaside. Will they return and see me as the embittered old hag, tossed aside and unable to find new love so I find revenge by haggling over the settlement. We are going to court actually as he has not disclosed any of his bank statements since moving away. My younger daughter keeps on telling me it's time I move on even though our marriage ended last December. If only I could..but how? It's so goddam hard to parent when all of this stuff is going on. (One hour later) Just had a good chat with my elder daughter (20) who has told me that she wants to shout and scream at her father tomorrow about his new relationship. You see it started three months after we had to separate because his drinking had got so out of control. It happened too soon I think. My daughter is terribly angry with him - I just hope that she will carry it through and get some of her feelings of her chest. As they have just been communicating mostly by text to date, it is kind of hard to express yourself properly. Anyway may blog again when they return.

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Thank you all for your comments. I reread them in particularly low moments and they help all over again.
S
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How I relate to the range of your your emotions Stemginger. I'm right there with you.

Had to laugh though when you said your daughter thought the picture quote was really cool. Of course she does, she's 18 years old !!! We are all entitled to a bit of idealism at that age. We don't know any better and being blissed out is cool. But your ex ? I don't know his biological age but he obviously either never grew up or has regressed to a teen. He is 'back in the day' but will get a reality check some time soon.

Nige



N
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Good morning stem ginger,

I hope you are ok although I can see from your blog that you are anything but.

I have just read your last entry and saw something which immediately made me think this. Your youngest daughter may be in someway blaming you for the breakup of her family. I know this sounds like an horrendous thing to suggest but she may well be harbouring thoughts that at her young age she can't deal with. We always hurt the ones we love.

She may have a view in her head that a mum does this and dad does that. If she has a stereotype image of who should do what and this is not happening she will aportion blame somewhere. Your older daughter is angry at her dad which of course makes absoulute sense to you because of what he has done but will it make sense to her dad who probably thinks that what he's done is somehow justified, re quote which shows very little remorse, care, or responsibility. I have two sons, one 20 and one 23. My 20 year old is a very young 20 year old and could not deal with some of the more mature stuff that his brother could when he was the same age.

I know it's hard to take it in when your kids are seemingly adding to your enormous wound of pain but your 18 year old is young with no knowlege of life only the life experiences that she has had to date. I could be wrong in what I am saying but without going on about my own stuff too much, I blamed my mum for everything when I was a kid and it stayed this way for like forever. It is only very recently through counselling that I have been able to re visit some of this stuff and now after all of these years I can now see things very differently.

May be when the time is right you could have a chat with her, although I appreciate that with emotions as raw as they are this might not be the success that you want it to be.

I am sorry that you are having a tough time of it and I hope my view does not make you feel worse. This is absolutely not my intention, it's just a thought and if there is some truth in it, it may just help you when she throws something else at you.

Take care, my thoughts are with you. You probably won't enjoy the peace whilst your daughters are away but it is a good ooportunity to have some "me time" which you so deserve.

LG xXx
L
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Do you know what (and others may not agree with this). You have a right to say I do not want to know that/see that/be told that. We can't teach our children compassion but we can remind them about manners. Having those quotes up and showing you the facebook page etc is out of order (IMO). Don't let your children walk across you like their Father has done. That is what my daughter did (and my counsellor at the time pointed out to me). It almost killed me. If you read back you may see my tale as a terrible warning rather than a good expample - so it comes with a health warning - but I still stand by it.

Good luck. You did not deserve this. I will never know what happens to these men. Your ex's quote is so selfish and heartless.

Big Big hugs
SF
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Thank you sun flower, fairylandtime, giveup, elizadolittle and Hollyxxx. I was greatly cheered by reading your comments and also moved by your stories. It's so tough isn't it, to unmake a family and recreate something new. I feel anachronistic - an old dinosaur repeating the same old patterns whilst the world around me has changed.
I know I should keep stumm about their Dad. I identify with all of you - my kids shout me down too fairylandtime. A look of fury comes over their faces when he is mentioned. The OW is called "She who cannot be named" like Voldemort in the Harry Potter stories. I wish I could stop talking about it, be strong and silent but elizadolittle I too cry so much.
It's true the girls can't really empathize - I fantasize about a new man and indeed pretended to his family on hearing the news that I too had a bf. I just didn't want their pity but my behaviour has regressed! My younger one (the tough 18 year old) said to me the other day that she thought her Dad hadn't loved me for a long time as he seemed to have become so happy with the OW and he has given up drinking. Unfortunately, he has left the bad behaviour behind with the family and recreated the story like your ex fairylandtime. She does say some very tough things and I just sigh and try not to get too wound up but sometimes...Last week she put up a picture on her fb of a picture quote from my stbx which said "Follow your bliss and the walls of your universe will come down". She thought that was a really cool quote. She read it to me on the bus and I was so furious that I just had to get off the bus. I was thinking "yeah right, let's add leave your responsibilities behind and pretend they don't exist" - I would like to be able to follow my bliss but have to settle for responsibility right now and joy from everyday things.
I did buy the train tickets in the end and the girls went off late this afternoon to see their Dad. They have prepared the ground though and don't want to me "she who cannot be named" and I have promised not to contact them whilst they are there as they might feel weird.
S
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Hi stem ginger.

Like you my husband left in December after 30 yrs, he left me completely shell shocked OW involved, my two children where disgusted at him , but because he had been a wonderful father before doing this, I did everything I could to get them to give him a chance, even though I have not seen him since the day he left I encouraged them to have contact with him, but I was delivered the same words you were this weekend by my 26 yr old daughter" mum you need to move on" I was given a lecture from her that these things happen, I need to stop getting upset as I'm getting wrinkles!!! , that I'm mad! The things I say and do, I'm still smarting from it today , I feel like screaming my head off. My children do not live with me which I'm very pleased about as I could not take being given advice like that on a daily basis as I know we would fall out, I feel very sorry for myself at the moment because although I did not choose this I'm being portrayed as needy, an emotional wreck and but after reading what others say I realise what I'm going through is normal. Soooo stem ginger I know exactly how you feel and want to send you a hug. X
H
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Hi Ginger - I sympathise.

I am another one whose husband walked out leaving me and three teenagers. Life is hard enough when you are 14 or whatever, without having this kind of stress. So I am never sure to what extent any moodiness or squabbling between the children is normal, and how much of it relates to his walking out, my being a total wreck in tears the whole time, and them facing the uncertainty of not knowing where they are going to live or go to school. Great timing, thanks X. Throw into the mix elderly parents and the menopause, then don't give any of the family any money AT ALL for a few months and stand back. Nice.

Things like the cr*p with train tickets only makes things worse, and it is so easy to get wound up about little details. Easier said than done, I know, but try not to sweat the small stuff, as they say. Chin up!
E
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Me too,I'm left with teenagers and it is incredibly difficult .I have had chronic ill health for many years and dad has found his soulmate (28yrs younger than me) and they are expecting a baby .Moving on is so very hard I really need to ,it sounds so easy but the pain is embedded so deep I fear it will never happen.

SFis right how can we expect our teenagers to have empathy and understand when life has hardly started and they have nil life experience.
G
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Hi stem ginger

Like you & sum flower I was left with teenagers ableit slightly younger ones. They don't understand - why should they? & yes it is being hard to 'get on with it' 'get over it' & 'get a life' lol all of which I have been told to do by sons.

The divorce took most of friends as well (mind you I've decided in a chameleon & just use to change to what my x wanted in terms of friends etc - so that doesn't help) but was sick of the he said she said - from friends etc etc. so left it all

I think that really for me life is on hold until kids grow up, probably not the right thing to do but with work, kids & an old house to contend with there's not much of a life left - no matter. I am fine with that.

It is hard with X, not sure re an ow (there was one at first but not sure if that has continued & as x only sees kids on his terms they don't mention it either), I find I cannot mention x to my kids without being shouted down, they see little of him, plus (hello!! - it was him who left etc etc) but even though I have been extremely (extremely) careful not to slate x to them they are very over protective (mid you I really don't know what x has told them as I know that he has convinced family & friends that I threw him out etc - if only I'd been that strong I should have done that a long long time ago).

Try not to tell the kids too much, they do make up their own mind re the parents - although they protect x they know which one of us they can depend on & tell me that - I don't comment on what they say (aside from a roll of eyes) ie lol x told eldest not to drink too much - from a functioning alcoholic that's rich lol.

Like I said it is hard, but don't berate X in front of kids even older kids - they do (as you have found) realise on their own, which again is hard as we always want to protect them but cannot.

Stay strong (with teenagers you need to) ;)

JJx
F
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I got left with teenagers too - (long story) - and it is damn hard work.

[quote] My younger daughter keeps on telling me it's time I move on even though our marriage ended last December[/quote]

This is so hard - they really don't and can't understand that it will take us years to be fully healed - how can they know? They have never had such a deep relationship, given birth, had a man's child, had a family, so how could they know what it is to lose all that?

I got (and get) angry with my own daughter's lack of empathy and her callousness 'these things happen'. I can stand back and see perhaps it is not fair on her - but close up I am not so clever about seeing the bigger picture and there is a danger in that.

At wiki, we understand.

Take care
SF