Yesterday I was upset as I thought about Pete and his distress. I am glad in a way that he doesn't t want to see me again and I realise that I have to forget him completely so enable me to get on with my life. He seems to be steadfastly hanging onto his old more familiar comfort blanket of his never being in the wrong or accepting any responsibility for the break up of our marriage. As far as he is concerned, it is all my fault and I have f****d up his life. He now sits in a fug of cigarette smoke doing very little bemoaning the fact that the house won't sell. He is extremely clever at diy of all sorts so it would keep him occupied to do the place up a bit and make it look better......but this won't happen. He was always an very negative person, unable to see any potential or joy in any situation - even when he was with me - so now he is just going to go on a downward spiral. I can foresee that he will sell the house off at a very low price just to spite me and go and live in a hovel somewhere glorifying in the injustice he has been subjected too. He always suspected that women were evil and now this proves it. He conveniently forgets his tempers and swearing at me. One example, I remember the time (2 years ago) he accused me at my best friend's daughter's wedding of sneaking off with a young man to one of the hotel bedrooms for sex. In I had in reality gone to take my hat off! He had absolutely no evidence to think that I would do this. In all our years of marriage I have never so much as looked at another man. But no, he made these wild accusations in front of my friends making me look foolish and him even worse. Ok he had had a few drinks.... But next morning, guess what? He is still accusing me. No apology was ever forthcoming from that one. So yes, he is suffering now, but I have done none of this 'to get back at him' I had to get away from him. I have to now forget him. But this morning I got up early and saw the mist creeping across the fields fringed with the colours of Autumn at the back of my blissfully warm and cosy little house..... Life is good and can now only get better.
When you begin to notice nature going on around you, you're on the mend I always think. The first year or so I didn't really notice there was even a world out there. Then one day I saw the hazel catkins in the wood by me and it was as though without any help from me, nature was simply getting on with things whilst I'd been in emotional hibernation. There is a world out there waiting for you to catch up.
Contact with him is very destructive of your wellbeing making you re-live all over again life with him. You write:
'He sits in a fug of cigarette smoke doing very little'... 'He was always a negative person'...'He forgets his tempers and swearing at me'
He doesn't want to see you again? No one deserves to be abused in that way and believe me, you don't want to see him.
Fieldsofgreen, leave him in his fug, you are in a very different place now.
Wise words from Vastra and hkhd and lessons which have taken a couple of years and have been hard learnt for me as well. Any contact just sets me back and energy is wasted going through same old negative feelings which need to stay in the past. HKHD'S words about the ability to notice the intensity and beauty of the colour of the autumn leaves is so so true. I am sure I would not have had this ability had I not gone through such rubbish -as you are finding fieldsofgreen it really does help you to focus on what is good in life.
You are better off with no contact - believe me - and it took me months to accept this advice from wikis and other people. Vastra is right, you will feel better for it, it takes a long long time. You don't believe you will ever get there, but you will eventually.
See my icon - I'm concentrating on my own grass to notice if your's is greener - I totally believe this now. Please try and put all your energy into something positive, putting into your past is wasted energy because it's so draining.
I feel I have turned a massive corner recently and boy it's taken me nearly two years to get there.
If it helps, and it did for me, I made a list of positive and negatives things my ex brought to our marriage, and guess what the negative far far outweighed the positive. I also made a list of descriptive one worded phrases that described my ex eg negative, down-trodden, malicious against the same one worded list of how it made me feel - eg unattractive, worthless, etc. I took this list out when I had a blip and read it to myself and boy did it make me feel better. It was my own therapy. Why would anyone want such negativity in their life, why?
I too was accused of having affairs throughout my marriage with no evidence to back it up - because I wasn't having an affair. My ex too had a temper, always crashing about, swearing, blaming others for his short comings, and he still is now for the latter. I totally get where you're coming from on that score. Has he learnt anything from this - not one bean. But who cares, certainly not me anymore.
I wish you well in your little house. You wouldn't have seen those autumn colours as you had it you were still with him - hold on to that thought
He's doing you a favour even if he thinks he is hurting you with no contact. You will feel better for it, just don't be tempted to get in touch unless it's essential, and then do it in a businesslike email. You can rant and vent about it all here instead, that's what I did!